I'm in a little bit of a pickle with my 11 year old daughter.
She's starting high school next year and her father who I have been separated from for along time now wants to discuss high school. He wants to send her to school near him and having her live with him, I want her to stay with me and go to high school with the same group of friends she's been to primary school with. I said I'd be open to discussing which high school to send her to but at the end of the day it be up to all 3 of us and what our daughter would feel comfortable with when it comes time to talk about it.
Now I feel like he has jumped at the opportunity to have her with him, he has prematurely involved her in an adult conversation ahead of time and has put thoughts in her head that I'm not comfortable with! I feel extremely alienated right now because I'm fighting a battle that shouldn't have even been started! I brushed the conversation off when my daughter brought it up with me because I'm really not ready to face this myself, I told her it isn't something we need to decide right now and I'm not comfortable with making that decision yet as she still have a while to go before enrolment. Now I'm getting the cold shoulder from her, I get attitude I've never had before and feel like I have been pushed out of her life and I think its because she's gone straight to he dad about it! I brought her a phone because she walks home from school and so she can talk to her dads side of the family but now it's consistant phones calls, text message and reminders/comments like "when you live here in high school you can do this... that...". Her dad hasn't been the easiest to get along with and when she brought up what I had said to her I got text messages saying "you wouldn't want to go back on your word now would you, confusing her and showing her she never has a choice with you" or the latest one "Once again I would really encourage you to step back and stop forcing what you want on her because if you force her to do something that she does not want she will only resent you".
Court orders are in place and were made when she was 3 years old. They are that she lives with me and see him every second weekend, ever second school holidays for the 2 week and half of the Christmas school holidays alternating years so we each get Christmas and Easter with her.
I really don't know what to do! I feel like I'm being bullied into something I don't want to do and I feel like he is manipulating her or saying nasty things about me to her to sway her into moving in with him. I don't want to loose my daughter and don't feel like an 11 year old can deside on her future right now but the minute I say "no, you're staying with me" I will cop attitude and resentment from her for a very long time and alot abuse from her father! I know now by the actions that have unfolded since this conversation the minute she goes to her dads will be the moment he pushes me out completely, there will be no orders protecting me, there will be constant excuses as to why she can't come to mine or why I can't have her and I will have no relationship with my daughter.
How can I say no easily or even tip toe around this subject so it's completely dropped and never mentioned again!! I wish I had never said "we can discuss this"
Edit: I should have mentioned dad moved 2 hours away to the country about 8 months ago, I live in the inner suburbs of Melbourne and have lived in the same area my entire life, its also10 minutes away from my family and my work. Moving to send her to school where her dad is just because he has moved would mean up rooting everything and being away from my family, it's not really an option.
9 Replies
What are his reasons? I think you need to clear what everyone wants and all the little messages etc and look at both high schools. Which one offers the bigger range of subjects, what kind of programs do they offer for seniors? The high school you send her too can make a massive difference to her future. She will make friends no matter where she is. A bigger school will help with the social side of things too as teenagers need to find a tribe and they have a better chance of that with more friends to gel with. I've had 4 kids through a smaller high school with limited subjects and options and I really regret not moving them to a bigger high school.
Sit her down and speak to her and maybe get her fiends to talk to her. I wouldn’t be letting my daughter go. Go and enrol her in the school. Shouldn’t have got her a phone either, very bad move.
Tell him the answer is a definite no, no discussion. As per court orders. End of story.
Just because you said ‘we can discuss this’ does not bind you to anything that’s happened and it’s your right to just say no.
Why just no? I don't understand. It's about the child and what's in her best interests not what court orders say from when she was 3. He can go and have them changed if she starts waving them around now it's really not a good idea. Both parents need to stop thinking about themselves and put their daughter first.
The child custody is set and the daughter lives with mum. He can’t just offer the child to move with him and change that. That is not how it works. I’m sure there are high schools available to the child, her best interest is fine. Dad pulling this is not about the child’s best interests at all.
An alternative way to nix this is to explain to her that you will move for her to go to a prestigious school if that’s what she chooses. Let her know it will take time, thought, and planning to sort out. But you’re not giving up parenting and if she wants to be close to her dad the arrangement would still be the same or possibly up to sharing care if that’s what dad steps up to. That should stop the connection between ‘choose this school and go to live with dad with all his promises’.
Your daughter came to you to discuss this and you brushed her off. Yes she is a child, but she doesn't think she is 🙄🙄
And Dad is offering her options and discussing it with her like an adult, and you're not. He shouldn't be, but he is.
So you have alienated her by not taking her seriously when she wanted to have the conversation.
And remember, this is actually HER life you're talking about here. So yes, she should have the right to say. At 12, she gets to choose before the court who she lives with - so if you think she shouldn't have input / doesn't have a legitimate right to decide, think again.
You need to have the conversation with her, provide her with the options and talk it through. You've effectively closed off your channel of communication with her at a very impressionable age, and that's why you're copping attitude now.
I changed schools at 11 because of severe bullying - that my parents didn't even know about until I had a full on screaming breakdown.
You need to work on repairing that communication and relationship with her before it's too late.
She is a child, but she's not 4. She's about to hit puberty, and about to hit the legal age to advocate for herself. Treat her as such.
I’m really sorry for what you are going through, and there is no easy solution for you. Basically at this point you will be the bad guy, whatever happens. Her father suddenly decides he wants her, and will manipulate the situation, including the text messages he is already sending you, to get his way. I’m guessing he has moved closer to his family? if so, they will ultimately be the ones looking after your daughter when he gets bored of it all. IMO a decent parent always wants what’s best for their child, right from the start. No one can say a parent can be absent one minute then totally engaged the next. There’s more I could write, but I just want to wish you well, stay strong mumma. Try not to take it personally from your daughter, she does and will always love you, she is also very confused at the moment.
So you did the hard yards with a small child nor he wants to take over. -typical! Would be a straight out no from me!