《TRIGGER WARNING》
We have always talked about things to do in the bedroom, and bandage was something we leaned towards for a decade, with small steps taken over time.
Last week, things got frisky, and bondage come into it.... it felt strange, but it was new, so I went with it. I had a belt around my neck (I could breath quite fine) and my arms pinned behind my back. I honestly didn't like it, although I fully concented, and did have moments of arousel, it felt wrong, it's just not my thing.
Last night, DP's new year gift was on the bed, a collar, with attached wrist restraints. I figured, that I can't just brush off this sexual exploration after just one try, so we giggled, at the fact I couldn't move and fell flat on my face, but suddenly, things turned. It no longer felt fun, well not for me. He got ruff, really ruff. He was grabbing me so hard it hurt. I was twisted in ways that made the collar dig in, and it felt like my shoulders was popping from the socket. I never said no, but I did make it clear I was in pain. I cried, while he looked me in the eye, he could see I was crying. I had it jammed in my throat, while his fingers smashed my cervix, my face slapped, not painfully, but it stung if I tried to get into a more bearable position. He never once kissed me. 45 minutes of pain, and I was finally untied and I retreated to the shower. I feel violated. I feel he got a little too much enjoyment out of my pain. I cried for 20 minutes in the shower. I went to bed fully clothed witch I never do, I sleep nude. I kept to my side of the bed, on the edge. He tapped me on the belly, and said good night.
In over a decade, he's never done this, ever... I don't feel raped, if I had of said stop, he would have, I just didn't want to mess up his fantasy.
I don't know how to bring this up to him. Like a safe word, bindage with padding do it doesn't dig in. I want to please him, but meet somewhere in the middle
17 Replies
I'm so sad this hapoened to you . I'm a sex worker and I never ever do these types of bondage/ submissive bookings because in my 25 year industry experience, the ONLY reason men want these types of sexual dominant sessions is because they crave an unrealistic, unhealthy vision of control. It doesn't matter if it's work related ( in my professional view) or relationship related, the result is the same - especially when men have no real idea how to do these things properly. They think it's exactly like porn where these types of scenarios show the man is the one in charge therefore crossing boundaries into vulgarity, pain , control, and delusions. In my view, the only reason men want this is because they are fulfilling a deep rooted fantasy of depravity.
I know you said you were interested too, but this has come from a place of slow grooming so by the time it was put into practice, it wasn't actually what you wanted or agreed to at all.
He was so involved in the moment that your wellbeing was no longer his concern.
Atrocious.
This 🔝 he totally slowly groomed her without her realising.
Is there something wrong with me because I like this sort of sex sometimes? 😥
If you genuinely enjoy it, you're safe and it's 100 percent consensual, that is perfectly okay. The biggest thing with BDSM is relationships is trust, pre planning, knowing and respecting each other thresholds.
That has not happened in OPs case. The lines of consent have very much been blurred.
I want it but it won't happen for me. Nothing wrong with you, it's about mutual enjoyment and for many posting it's not for them. We all have our so kinks/ preferences. I
I’d say he is watching too many movies and it’s not reality, then goes and treats you this way. Don’t do anything again just to please him. Speak up! He should have stopped. Throw them out. He also should have seen you cry and how much he hurt you and stopped. No
Respect for you. This was all
About himself and what he sees in unrealistic pornos.
I'm not going to lie, beautiful IM, I found this post deeply distressing.
The person who is supposed to be your biggest protector, knowingly hurt you, physically and then emotionally afterward, by ignoring your distress.
He not only ignored it, but got off on it.
It's all a big shock, I'm sure, but I think you need to really start looking at this relationship with fresh eyes.
Also, please promise if he hurts you again, you scream/yell, tell him to stop.
The fact you took the pain to not ruin "his experience" tells me you put him first, wayyyyy too much, please stop that lovely lady.
Atrocious - agree with the lady above.
This is horrible and he is a pig 😳 I’m so sorry this happened to you 😢. I agree that he groomed you over time. Please don’t let him do that to you ever again. Xx
I found what happened to you, very disturbing.
I think this would be relationship ending for me. The trust would be gone. I hope you have somewhere safe to go, like family, because I don’t think you are safe staying with your husband.
I think you are going to need some support to process what happened and move forward.
You have had a non consensual sexual experience. You feel violated because you were violated!
Rough sex, bondage, kinks and fantasies ALWAYS need to be discussed first so boundaries can be implemented.
He took advantage of the fact that you were bound and kept going through your obvious pain and distress. That is inexcusable.
I can't tell you where to go from here but please don't allow your feelings and this awful experience to be minimised.
I do feel that this was sexual assault. Consent can be withdrawn at any time and I believe you did. You may not have said no, but your body language, tears, and genuine pain would have given anyone including most reasonable strangers some discomfort and to check in with you before anything.
Please talk to someone who is a professional and keep yourself safe. Your partner should also be informed of your feelings and if he is mature enough to be responsible for his decision making process, he will respect your boundaries and never do this ever again.
I think he will do this again. This is not healthy.
Yes, definitely sexual assault. I think OP should seek counselling for the sexual assault so she can process the emotions around this. Going to bed fully clothed afterwards should have given the husband some indication that she was not okay...if the crying during sex didn't alert him already.. I think that part makes me the angriest. He made eye contact with her when she was crying and he continued. This isn't a part of bondage. From everything I've read, it depends on trust, openness and communication. Which he ignored.
To the OP: I think it's worthwhile talking to him when you're outside of the bedroom and letting him know how the experience made you feel. If his response is blaming, shaming or dismissive, I think you have some decisions to make. But take care of yourself first x
Fuck all of that shit off and if you are too vanilla for him get rid of him too.
He enjoyed it you didn't
Theirs the answer
Both parties need to be on the same page
If this continues it will only get worse
If he cares for you
He will understand & be considerate of your feelings
I am going to say something a little different. You need to tell him! His reaction will help you decide what to do next. If he is dismissive, or tries to tell you it's all your fault then he is an arse! If he is genuinely concerned and horrified that you did not enjoy it at all and vows never to do that again, then there's room for discussion.
If you do not confront him at all then you just do not know. I'm sorry but some men are idiots and pretty slow when it comes to these things. He's probably watched too much porn and thinks these reactions are expected/okay. Spell it out for him. If he's a narc pig then you need to get the heck away from him.
Please be kind to yourself and I know you were being a sub but there's always boundaries that should not be crossed 💗
You need safe words and boundaries. I want this, my husband doesn't. We don't do it because he doesn't enjoy it.
You have to feel good and want it, if not it's not okay and you should say no and he respect it. He may of thought it was part of it.
As a retired professional Dominatrix I need to answer this! Many on the forum have mentioned safe words, etc., and there’s lots of good advice and comments.
But let me explain what “bondage” is. It’s beautiful. I’ve spent many hours learning how to create a bondage “scene” for clients and friends, and have also had the pleasure of having a very experienced Dom putting me into intricate bondage. It’s an art from. If done correctly, it puts the sub into the most amazing “space”, ….it frees you in a way. There are so many books on this subject alone, that he Dom/me has no excuse for not researching. It is not necessarily sexual. I never once had sex with any of my clients. But the recipient allows his/her vulnerability and trust to come together in a feeling of mutual love and respect. When creating bondage, be it Japanese rope bondage, rubber bondage, scarf bondage, I watched my submissives /clients body language all the time, and never ever left him or her alone.
The safe words I insisted on, whatever the “scene” were “more” (not exactly a safe word but it indicated the client was able to take more or wanted more of whatever I was doing), “ mercy” (meaning don’t stop but ease up a bit) and “stop”…..actually “stop stop stop”, which meant stop whatever you’re doing immediately.
During a mild bondage session, I might blindfold the person, and touch them in light sensual ways, with a feather, the point of a knife, a pizza cutter, even a knitting needle, ice, but never sexually although obviously during a session with a lover this gentle stimulation would be extremely erotic. Not brutal stuff like the author has written about.
What this couple needs to do is research….find the book “Screw the roses, give me the thorns “ still available, and still very relevant. And NOT experiment in this way until they are both more knowledgeable and agree to the rules….but IMO the trust needs to be worked on too.
There are many ways a couple can really enjoy elements of BDSM in their love life….take it from a nearly 75 yo woman who still has the occasional play with friends and even occasionally sees old (in age as well as length of time) clients.
I could write a book on the different “scenes” I’ve created over the years….there’s no end to our imagination. Going into sub space is a delight, created by the Dom/me in love and respect for the sub. I found that I couldn’t “connect” with a client unless I felt that connection, and respected them and of course judgementalalism was never an issue.