Hi,
I'm struggling with my MIL... like so many!
She's always been waaaay to involved for my liking, but I've always just grinned and bared it because I thought she was just trying to help and her intentions were OK. But, over the years, I've realised she is just manipulator and gaslights.
It probably really started to get under my skin when we were planning our wedding. My husband and I hadn't decided where we wanted to get married and she thought we were taking to long so went and put a deposit down on a place, so we didn't "miss out". I tried to cancel, but she would lose her money... so I caved.
Then, it was the guest list. She waited till my husband was at work, and came around crying because she NEEDED to invite all these people who were so important in hubby's life... I caved and didn't invite our friends.
Then came kids. I constantly feel judged. If I say no, she overides me. So, I gave up parenting while she was around... literally said to the kids "just ask her". So, she said to the kids one day, "Im all grandma'd out, its time for mum to do some parenting"
If I complained the kids were wearing me down, she wouls say the kids were wonderful. Then would pester to have them, then call and say she'd had enough...
She makes snide comments, about how her children never did that, or she did it this way... I just smile and wear it.. go home and cry.
She expects weekly dinners with everyone. Of course, she makes out they are not expected.... but when my BIL couldn't make a few due to sporting commitments, she turned up at my house bitching they don't make the effort, so expected. It was getting to the point, I was there THREE nights a week 🙈🙈
Then, my job is a constant joke to her. Although it is a very essential job, she likes to poke fun at the holidays I get, that I 'finish' at a certain time. Implies that I wouldn't know what hard work is. Just really makes me feel like shit basically.
After years of this treatment, I've chucked the shits and refuse to see her. While my husband is supportive, and had told her why (as have I), I know that I am eventually going to have to see her.
How do people move on and just accept they will never get an apology for how they have been treated?
4 Replies
You don’t need an apology from her. You see what she is and that is exactly why she won’t apologise, reflect or change so don’t expect it. Change your boundaries. I suggest you take up ‘extra study’ for your work this year. Run by work, through work, online, free and totally fab so you’re really interested but it will mean you’ll have to put social life on hold ! pull out a textbook and say each chapter is a module, work through it through the year, ready made excuse for every single event then.
I had a MIL like this, with an agressively abusive twist. You'll never get an apology. She's never wrong. She enjoys the power you give her by running after her & letting her upset you and wanting her approval. She'll never change, either. Just get worse.
I took a more 'me' approach to the problem. I asked myself what my MIL had done to earn my respect. Nothing. So why do I care what she does or thinks about me if I don't respect her? Why do I try so hard to accomodate & please her? So I reclaimed my power and control and stopped caring what she did or said & lived by MY rules and boundaries. She quickly became small & pathetic to me & her comments bounced off. I went minimal contact & my husband would take the kids to see IL's when I had other things on. Of course it was noticed & there were comments, but no reaction from me meant she had zero power and started to behave (of sorts).
It's not a perfect solution, but by removing any of MIL's influence over my life & not obligating myself to spend time with someone nasty and controlling, and not lowering myself to lying or sneaky tactics, well, it felt damn good. Still does!
You talking about my mil¿
These days I don't even acknowledge her. I'll speak to her if she speaks to me first and I reply with 1 - 2 words . I never speak to her first, nor ask her any questions. I don't want a conversation with her. Idgaf what she thinks of me anymore. It's been 18yrs and I enjoy every moment of the 'me' that I am in her presence. She doesn't like it, but too fucken bad ..
I would have let her lose her deposit what a rude controlling bitch. No way you should have put up with this. Don’t see her again, you don’t have to. I wouldn’t go if she was present. I had a mother in law like this. I stood up to her and she hated me for it. I lost all respect for her.