My Christmas has been a nightmare.
Almost overnight my world just turned upside down and I feel so numb, so angry and so all over the place I don't know what to do.
I was in a serious relationship. I was apart of a family, I knew all his friends...
Yet I am the LAST FUCKING PERSON to know he has a partner (on/off/on) who has just had a Christmas baby. The first inkling something didn't seem right was my future mother in law unfriended and blocked me. Fair enough. We haven't had any issues that I knew of. I spoke to my partner who said he just had an argument with her over some trivial matter and she was just lashing out. I thought ok, that's on her and when he speaks to her, I hope they sort out whatever issue it is out.
I guess that's one way of being told that you have a new grandchild and you're on team baby plus their little family I knew nothing about.
So everyone knows but me. I feel so foolish and what hurts most is NONE OF THEM had the guts to pull me aside and say something. While he was saying I LOVE YOU, it was all for show and THEY KNEW and said NOTHING. The whole family. Our friends.
I've not spoken a word to new mom. I've told my ex fiancee that I wish him all the best, enjoy Christmas and that his new baby is beautiful. I quietly packed my things, my child's belongings and left. She can move in or he can. Thankfully we haven't bought our house yet, otherwise could you imagine that? My child is not biologically his.
I trusted them ALL. Yet, here I am, angry at work and wanting to scream yet struggling to comprehend why on earth did this happen and just feeling so drain I have no fight in me what so ever.
I mean, he had able opportunities. Long hours, travel, weekends away hunting. I'd work insane hours and of course the parenting fell on me most of the time. He has shared step parenting for over a decade, we have disagreed lately over discipline and he believes "my son" who he use to refer to as "our son," shouldn't be allowed to socialise with his friends without supervision. "My son" will be 18 in April. I thought that was bizarre. It was like he was trying to pick a fight, which I didn't engage and he later came back saying he was sorry for being too hard on me.
Now this.
Thank God "my son" is seeing his paternal family. He spoke to me Christmas day and went he asked to speak to "his dad," I said that he was away (which he was) and my son said he'd text him later.
I am not sure about what I am trying to ask or say but I've lost faith in a lot of things and tried so very hard to be a better person when now all I feel like doing is screaming and breaking things. I'm just relieved "our son" isn't home because my baby, who is about to join the Air Force would probably be none to happy about this.
I mostly just need a hug. Thanks for listening.
Edit to add. I know this may not be clear but to clarify, my partner has been involved with my son since he was a toddler. I've known the family since I was 18, I'm now 42. We've been together since my son was 4.
He had an affair with this lady 2 years ago. I found out on accident and the affair had been going on for months. (On/off/on) We talked through it, formally separated for a few months then we "got over it." I made it clear we need to be more transparent and trust each other. He agreed. And i said if he ever did this gain, that would be it. I do think that me not being able to have more babies may have something to do with it as we tried for several years. I couldn't carry to term. I have PCOS with Endometrosis that developed into Adenomyosis.
13 Replies
I'm really sorry, what an absolute asshole 😔
I'd hug you if I could, what a bunch of cowards.
It hurts now and the anger is justified. One day all you'll feel is pity for the pathetic way they have, and will continue to, lead their cowardly little lives.
Wish your young fellow well. Do tell him so he can support you from afar though.
Sorry to hear, take care of yourself lovely x
Tell your son. He’s not a kid, don’t shelter him he’ll feel as stupid as you sending nice messages to the dickhead while he’s doing this to his mum.
OP here. He knew something was up and found out on Facebook. He phoned me back after we spoke saying he knows.
So you've been together less than 9 months and he was calling your almost adult child with someone else his? Or he had an affair?
She says he was step parent to her child for 10 years. And he had an affair. Obviously OP was upset when she wrote it but it is easy to get the whole story when you read all of it. Regardless how long they've been together he was living a double life and as always she was last to know, that's a gutter move no matter which way you look at it.
Ahh. I thought he had shared care with another ex and the on/off/on relationshipwas with the baby mumma. It doesn't read as though he has an affair though?
I'm wondering when he found out the baby was coming? If he was with another woman who didn't know she was pregnant until after he was back with the OP, he might not have been told for some time? Is ample opportunities for him to tell the OP considering the time he might have needed to process his own feelings on the matter?
Also, does he still want to be with the OP? If he got another woman pregnant when they were not a couple, it isn't any different than her having children with someone else when they weren't a couple in reality. If that's the case, there are 2 things to consider:
1) Are you able to step up and be a step parent to his child, like he has been to yours?
2) was the delay in telling you because he was processing a curve ball and terrified that you wouldn't support him?
I think this is a really emotional situation and if you love him, you need to look at it from a lot of angles so you don't make a decision you regret later (either way).
Ps... his mum might have disagreed with him as he said and blocked you to stop herself telling you when it was his role to do so and she knew he needed time to process and didn't trust herself to stay out of it.
Whether it was 9months or 10 years, he hid a pregnancy and birth of his baby. While his mum met the Bub and shared an announcement. While his whole family knew about it. That’s not something you can ever forgive or get over.
Yes I imagine his mum did feel caught in the middle refusing to lie for him and refusing to hide a new baby or treat it differently because I bet that’s what this selfish prick would have done for years to come if he could have everyone playing his game. I have no doubt they told him to tell you and told him his times coming up because they won’t lie for him. I also know that that doesn’t mean much to OP because they left her in the dark and no one told her. It’s cruel.
It’s also a reason you’ll never get back with him. He’s turned you and his whole family against each other.
It is disgusting that he has done this to you, it’s one of those betrayals that will stay with you forever. But there is no way back from this. Just forward for you. So the good thing is that you found out now rather than even later still. You could have had a nice Christmas in ignorant bliss, but is that what you really want? In hindsight was any of the last 6 - 12 months with him a lovely time that you’d do again, knowing what you know now?
I’m so sorry how awful for you. The best thing you can do is cut everyone off from this family, everyone who knew about it and didn’t tell you. Put them all behind you now and move forward and focus on being happy and creating a new life. Your partner is a selfish cheating pig. You deserve to live a happy life free of it. You are good for wishing him well. I would have wished his ass karma! What an awful thing for you to go through.
Also you don’t know what he has told others about you, for his mum to block you. She probably wanted to tell you. She probably argued with him over it. Forget about them all now and put them behind you, no contact at all with anyone of them and focus on you.
On your edit - its natural to look at your own faults and try to work out why her and not you, but it’s very unfair on yourself to do that and I don’t actually think that is what he’s done at all. I think this is a very accidental baby. Just remember he always had the opportunity to leave you if he wasn’t happy, or to tell you the truth at any point. He chose to deceive you and he chose to do this to you. Every step along the way he made his promises, he knew your expectations and he made his choices. This is what you get with him. That’s a reflection on him and only him, it’s not you.
OMG I can't even believe what I'm reading, I'm so sorry this absolute shitbag did this to you!!!!
Please don't blame yourself or your fertility issues in ANY WAY.
If he desperately wanted a child, he should have been upfront with you, and discussed options, or just said he wants out.
I can't believe his family played along with this. What disgusting people (he is at the top of the list).
It sounds like you have your shit together at least, so you know you can take care of yourself. You'll get through this & come out stronger.
Just remember, this is ALL HIM. None of this is your fault.
What a sack of gutless c****- and I’m being polite when I say that
Get angry, smash shit and wipe the lot of them
I’d be so fucking embarrassed being his mother and knowing exactly what he did to you and the sly way he did it