Hi everyone
I’m really needing advice.
My husband is such a people pleaser so the point where it annoys me. We have totally different opinions on social events and it bothers me so much. He always wants to be doing what “ everyone else” is doing to keep them happy and not “ loose friends” quite frankly I couldn’t care less about what they are doing, I care about us and our family. We have had several conversations about it and it just ends up in a huge argument.
I love him so much but I also feel like as time goes on his personality annoys me more and more. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to loose him but some times the huge difference in our personalities drives me crazy. Please don’t think I’m a cow, or a horrible person. But I’m at a loss.
Husband…
Husband…
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
9 Replies
I used to think those kinds of people were just too nice or too weak, but actually it’s not giving them enough credit. They are making a choice. They are doing what they want to do. If that impacts you negatively, and he’s putting others ahead of your families needs over and over, then you have a right to be annoyed. You can’t force him to make the choice you want, but if you’ve told him clearly how it directly impacts you and he argues or ignores then he’s made his choice on how things with him will be, leaving you to make yours.
I have always been a people pleaser. I love doing things to help people and to suit them and I always make myself available no matter what for people. Sadly people take the piss out of it and I’ve started to distance myself from most of them now and focus more on my family and doing our own thing.
I had a friend who would always put me down about being a people pleaser. Eventually I came to a few realisations.
1. I am a bit of a people pleaser but not begrudgingly.
2. I am actually okay with that.
3. My "friend" was a selfish asshole who couldn't understand who I was as a person because she dictated every relationship/friendship she had had she possessed zero concept of compromise or give and take.
So maybe you need to reflect here. Is this really a him issue or is it a you issue?
You're annoyed about your husband being kind and compassionate? How has it actually impacted on your family? Is he helping a friend do something small instead of going to something really important to the kids/yourself? Is he helping everyone and therefore never home and you get no help from him? Unless it's skewed so that you and the kids are being neglected, it sounds like you are trying to control him.
From what I read it’s specifically at social events where he follows the crowd, instead of making his own choices based on his family’s needs.
I didn't see any examples of him being against his family. He just sounds nice
So if he wants to go and you don't, send him solo, send him with the kids if it's a family do. Nothing in the contract says you have to enjoy the same things all the time.
You need to accept him for who he is, if you can't, you don't try to change him, you move on.
If you really love him, this will not be a difficult choice.
Pretty sure I wrote this!! Hubby is the same and does it to avoid confrontation and doesn't want the risk someone not liking him....
Drives me crazy there is zero loyalty from his "friends " but yet they are best friends and he will often choose them over me...
🤦♀️