Background - My relationship with my partner isn't great. He says he loves me but I'm not sure I feel the same, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to break up our family. The below comments weren't recent, but said in the last 12 months, however they pop into mind occasionally still.
Convo 1 was me saying no to sex, and he was nagging trying to get me to 'give it up'. He then said 'you're not a virgin so you should just give it to me. It's not a big deal'
Convo 2 was again me saying no to sex. He said I should be glad he still finds me attractive. He has said this more than once. Its almost sounds like he's doing me a favour. I have put on weight since we first got together 15 years ago and have had 2 kids.
Am I overthinking these comments?
9 Replies
They sound bad, but I can see how these comments might not have had the intent to be and might be out of context? You've been together 15 years. You should know whether you love him or not
Your partner is a dick! He’s not entitled to sex just because you’re in a relationship.
Definitely a dick!!
If your not sure if you love him, then you don’t because people don’t question it when they do love someone. And I’m not sure of the context these statements were said in, and everyone changes things to suit their own perspective. But it does sound like your not in love with him
Personally I think you are overthinking these comments, I’m sure I could write a book on the questionable or hurtful things my partners said to me over the years and vice versa. We are all human and we can all be insensitive jerks but it does sound like you aren’t in love with your partner
I've found that men who consistently make comments like this don't actually see women as people with their own feelings and autonomy, they see women as nothing more than an empty vessel to stick their dicks at their leisure.
I'd have a hard time loving someone who saw me that way, too.
You don't love him.
Yes, what he's said can be read as being insensitive but you have to look at from both sides.
You don't love him so I'm assuming there's a lot more no's than yes's. That level of rejection wears people down too, after long enough they DO become selfish in that regard because their needs are just being ignored.
So, we can't really answer this. We don't have all the information.
What I can suggest is that you stop looking at it as "breaking up your family". Your family is already broken. You don't love him. No amount of pretending will hide it. He deserves someone that does love him and desires him. You are being incredibly selfish in thinking you can take that opportunity from him to cater to your wants.
His pressure is not at all okay first and foremost let me emphasise that. There are other ways to have discussions around intimacy. For alot of men they show affection through physical touch so perhaps the question is around whether there is physical intimacy still in your relationship at all or whether there are bigger issues.
If this is something that has recently changed it could even be hormonal. So possibly check up with doctor or even couples therapy to discuss how this is affecting your marriage. Again not condoning his method but feel it's important to mention in case there are other things going on. If there are no other issues then yes, he's being a jerk.
10 years ago ex husband said "I'm surprised I'm still attracted to you.... I don't like fat chicks". I was 7 months pregnant with our child. He's the most wonderful human though and although I will never forget it, I realised that he just isn't that bright, not a sandwich short.... but just kind of dumb! Maybe your husband is just kind of dumb too?