I'm really struggling to put things behind me and let go.
We stopped talking to my SIL for many years, after a very rough time for my husband and I, and her meddling in our relationship and attempts to break up our family then.
Now we have recently begun contact again, and she has met a man with kids (she has none of her own and due to her age, I don't think it likely she ever will). The youngest is only 2, still a baby, and SIL tells me with great pleasure about how she is working on getting even more custody of these kids. I know I am triggered because of my own experiences but I am finding it so hard to let go of our past and move forward when she is still showing so much relish at the prospect of taking another woman's children away from their mother.
I'm ok at dealing with contact with her in person, but I'm struggling so much with the anxiety of her back in our lives and spend too much of my time worrying about it all later on.
I actually want to let go and move on, especially for my husband's sake. He always puts me and kids first and chose to cut contact without hesitation for our mental and emotional wellbeing. But he missed her and it means a lot to him to have her back in our lives after all these years. I love him so much and I want to deal with this better for him.
Would appreciate any advice for me to let go of my own fears and anxiety and separate the present situation from our past.
3 Replies
I totally get it. When someone puts you through hell and you finally become free of them, the last thing you want to do is let them back in to do it all again. It's especially hard knowing they are probably doing the same thing to someone else and there's not much you can do about it. I would remind her that the kids are better off if they all get along and how hard it can be for the kids if they don't. It's also up to him if he wants more time not her. If he didn't fight for that before he got with her then he probably didn't want it.
Boundaries. Forgive but don’t forget. She sounds nasty, keep her at arms length. Then you know she can’t affect you and what she does won’t affect you.
Also since she’s your hubbies sister it’s fine for him to have the relationship and for you not to be anything at all but civil when you’re there, but mostly don’t even be there.
I understand. I've a sister in law and parents in law like this.
I keep contact minimum, polite and non personal. I've taken back my power by realising I don't HAVE to be nice to people who have treated me poorly. I won't offer to help with anything and refuse to give in to SIL's demands (like FIL living with us - hell no!). I don't care what they think of me anymore as I don't respect them. They are now just mild irritants in the background I have to deal with occasionally.
Tell your husband you will support his relationship with her but can't be involved past polite, occasional conversation as the past still makes you anxious.