Hi I posted this the other week ⬇️⬇️⬇️ I got some advice from everyone which was great. I went to him and said I need to stop doing so much of the travelling. I’m getting exhausted. He said he didn’t make me do all the travelling that was my choice (which is true I guess it was my choice but we would barely see each other if I don’t soo 🤷🏻♀️) so I asked if on his days off if he could every so often come and visit me instead. He has his kid on his days off I asked if maybe he could stay with his mum for one night every now and then so he could visit me. He straight up said no that’s not happening. He’ll come up when he’s off on his weekend (every 5 ish weeks) with his son. That’s pretty much it. So again I’m left to do the travelling. Which isn’t really fair. I said I’ll just have to see and come on the weekends I don’t have my kids (every second weekend) and then maybe the two nights during the following week after I finish work (which is what I was doing) when I’m feeling up to it. I don’t know what I’m asking. Just feeling down and need some opinions. Thanks heaps.
Here’s previous post.
Long distant relationship advice. Help!
Hi. It may be a long one.
So I’ve been seeing someone for over two years now. We live in different towns (3hrs drive one way) I always go to his 2-3 nights a week. We both have kids. I go to his when my kids are with their dad. He is a shift worker so I just go when I can and see him when he's home. He has his son on his days off. So he never comes to mine (very rarely anyway) our kids are young 7-9yo's. We've had some problems with him being 'over strict' with my kids and them not wanting to see him but have worked on that. I have no intentions of moving for at least 3-4 years and I know he will never move here and leave his son. So it will be another few years of me doing this drive weekly.
I'm also having issues with his son who is 9. Only child and thinks he's an adult and better than everyone. He manipulates his dad constantly and I honestly don't trust or believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I'm trying to be kind but I really struggle even talking to him.
I'm also starting to feel like I'm not getting any time for me to do the things I want. Like getting back into sports I loved pre children as I just don't have time cos I'm either with my kids doing mum stuff (which I love) or I'm at his place and just slipping into his life there.
Our sex life is great. I know he loves me and cares for me and wants us to be forever. And I love them and if I think of him not being in my life it makes me sad. But I also have wants and thoughts about my life with just me and the kids. I really don't know what to do.
He can be bossy and I guess tries to get me to do things his way. And I do get nervous/stressed when we are going to do 'family' stuff with the kids as I worry he will be too harsh again and upset my kids.
I don't even know what I'm asking just needed to get it out.
18 Replies
Most of the comments on the original said end it and I think that's the most common sense advice in this situation. It hasn't got any better, he's just confirmed even more that his life is more important than yours. End it now!
You are feeling sad about this relationship because he has made it really clear he does not care for you the same way you care for him. He is not willing to put in the effort or even consider your feelings. Any man who expects a woman to go running after him the way this man does, is really not worth it. You deserve so much better and I think deep down you know it.
Ask yourself what it would be like to have someone who wanted to see you and would do whatever it took to make it happen? The longer you drag this out, the longer you are allowing him to treat you like an afterthought AND the longer it is going to take to find a decent man who will treat you with respect x
Exactly!!! While you’re putting your energy in to this - and leaving your home town, you are closing yourself off to new opportunities.
So he said ‘I’m not making you come to me’ then he said ‘no I have lots of excuses (priorities) and going to see you is not one of them and that’s not happening’ and you took from that, that you have to keep doing the travel???
Love, STOP doing the travel. Find someone closer, who values you. You are wasting your time on this joke, literally this will go nowhere it’s a slow heartbreak coming, and when he does it he’ll say ‘I never asked you to do xyz’ with no regrets at all. He’s telling you now to make better choices, he’s not it.
Why are you wasting your time and energy?
You break up with him.
He’s only with you, because you do all the work.
He has zero intentions of zero intentions of compromise and expects you to give up everything.
Break up, go live your best life. This guy isn’t worth it, and he doesn’t care about you.
Come on, when you're up for it?
He has now made it blatantly clear he's not putting in equal effort. In sorry mate but you need to hear this. You're a travelling piece of ass that he doesn't need to work for.
DON'T be that woman that let's a man devalue her to the point she doesn't value herself.
Fuck him off. Wish him well, hope he finds someone nearby so it's not all too hard for the big baby, brush yourself off and get on with your life.
OP here
So you don’t think I’m asking too much for him to not have his son one night here and there?
He said no. Regardless of whether we think its too much of you to ask, he doesn't want to do it. He values his time with his son and thats perfectly fine.
What are you even holding on to the relationship for? It sounds exhausting.
It doesn't sound enjoyable when you spend time all together, as hes upsetting your kids and you're nervous.
You don't enjoy being around his kid. He has no interest in travelling or visiting you neither have plans or an interest in moving. What a waste of yours and his time.
I don’t even believe he has his kid the full time, every time he’s not working. I bet he takes time for himself. He’s choosing not to use that time going to you. He’s said no.
It’s not unreasonable to ask him what time you can each find to make it work. But you’ve heard his answer now, he’s not willing to give any. You have to start focusing more on what is unreasonable for YOU to give in this situation. Start matching his energy.
Having his son stay somewhere is not your problem, he doesn't want to make the effort and your kids don't like him, what more reason do you need to walk away.
You are doing too much for someone not willing to return the favour. He is displaying his level of interest and commitment to you. You have voiced yourself and he is not willing to consider you. Stop factoring him in and move on. You deserve to feel like you’re not a chore or a bother or like you’re too much effort 😔 The right person will make it happen…
I think you know deep down he isn’t invested in this as much as you are. I would end it. He knows you are running to him. Tell him you can’t do it and let him miss you. If he doesn’t try then you know he wasn’t worth it.
Please do your children and his a favour and move on. He’s clearly using you for convenience and that’s why he can’t be bothered to make an effort for you. I’d honestly wonder if he would even make a fuss if u suggested it isn’t working for you. He will probably figure you’ve worked him out and just move on
The line about him being too strict on your kids is all I needed to read! I’d be outta there!
I took from this you enjoy the sex so you go back. Sex is not love. Love is respect compromise, value reassurance and all those other fluffy positives that make a relationship wholesome and fulfilling. Your putting to much work in to someone who is not returning all that love. Just great sex. Go do you take up your sport and other interests spend quality time with your kids. You will meet a person that may tick all the boxes in areas that your interested in.
Op here again.
So he’s got three days off coming up. Has his kid. But can’t come up to me because he’s got his work Xmas lunch on one of the days (which he won’t take his child to). Just my proof of how he feels and where I stand.
I don't see a future. He is using you.