How do you get over the fact that your husband probably never loved you. I have once again discovered yet another affair and left this time, I believe he is a very very toxic person with so many red flags, gaslighting, manipulative, self absorbed.
But I feel he has never truly loved me otherwise he wouldn’t have done this, we were together for many many years. All I feel is that I was used for his own needs at times he wanted..
And the feeling of never actually being loved by him is upsetting. I really am concerned about never finding love and being loved..
Yes I will see counsellor…
9 Replies
I think what you need to ask is: why am I taking on the blame and guilt for his shitty behaviour? Why am I making myself feel like it's my fault that he treated me badly?
He didn't do it because there's something wrong with you. He did it because there's something wrong with him.
Oh wow this hit me, thank you for your input.. I keep blaming myself for everything but realistically what you are saying is so true, I didn’t create this mess I am just left to deal with it.. but I do feel that he never loved me in the 20 years we were together
Different commenter: It's a very hard pill to swallow, but it gets easier with time.
But it takes a really long time.
One day, you will be indifferent to him and his feelings.
Original commenter: look, it's possible he didn't love you - but I doubt that.
I think he probably loved you as much as HE WAS ABLE TO.
And what he is ABLE TO might be very, very different to how you and I see & feel "love". There very honestly might just be a part of him missing.
If he has now said that he never loved you, I call bullshit on that - that's just him lashing out, being a dick and trying to fuck with your brain. And it's worked.
And I'll keep saying it until it sinks in: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. IT IS ABOUT HIM.
It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You are not unloveable. You are not damaged.
You hooked your wagon to an idiot who ended up treating you like shit, and you were probably too young to know.
Literally the only mistake you made was hanging too long to a shitty man who didn't deserve you. God knows 99% of us have done that.
And when it comes right down to it, for argument's sake: if he never did love you, does it even matter now?
How does that knowledge interfere with your current / future life?
Isn't it just a life lesson that you've now learned the hard way? Now you'll just know better if you choose enter a relationship in the future.
Thank you so much for your insight, it’s been very helpful and great way to explain it to me. Thank you
Please remember that this is nothing about you and everything about him. He will do it to the next person too. Well done for realising your worth and leaving. It happened to me too. It wasn’t me, it was him and went on to do it again and again and ended up with kids to each one. I went on to meet my now amazing husband and have 3 beautiful kids. Had he not of done what he did, I wouldn’t be the person I am today and have the amazing family that I now have. It’s hard to realise at the time but he did me a favour. He is now miserable paying child support to 3 different mothers and here’s me loving life. That’s his karma!
Moving on and being happy is the best thing you can do. You did nothing wrong and nothing could have prevented it. These pigs just can’t keep it in their pants and have no respect for their wives and kids. You will meet someone amazing one day too but don’t rush, it will happen in time. Just enjoy your new life and finding yourself again.
You stop thinking that he never loved you. It’s easy to think that when losers who say they love you do terrible things like this. It’s nothing to do with you and you aren’t to blame, even though he may tell you so but we all know he is a lying dipshit and they like to place the blame elsewhere, so the heat is off them. Focus on your new start to life now and don’t think back or believe in the things you tell yourself while you are down. It’s not true. There is only one person to blame in this and that is him. You will be loved again, the right way and how you should be loved. Early days. Take it one day at a time. Let the loser regret doing what he did by seeing how happy you are and enjoying your life without him. He’s a jerk.
You go through the stages of grief. You will grieve the relationship as you thought it was.
Let yourself get angry, cry, scream. Whatever you need to do to let the emotions out.
One day you will get past it. And you will look back, realise how pathetic he is and be glad you got out.
It's a long process because you are grieving the relationship you thought you had, all while realising the truth.
I've found online support groups to be useful. Always good to have others around who understand what you are going through.
Let’s go with the sad,depressed , everything’s my fault part of your brain… so say he never loved you- that doesn’t mean you’re unlovable , it simply means you literally chose someone with serious mental health issues that could mimick love and manipulate you into doing what he wanted for however long he wanted. So u found a narcissist… you’ve probably been ignored, neglected and breadcrumbed for many years too… it’s got nothing to do with you. He’s sick because decent people firstly don’t betray you, decent people don’t go around cheating and using you. Take your power back! Leave him in the dust! Cut contact and move on! He’s actually pathetic and when u finally see that , you’ll be disgusted in yourself for ever even seeing the good in him. Cause love it ain’t there