This is really hard to write because I know the issue is with me and my past relationship.
My ex cheated on me for around 6 years (yes, I stayed because I was told it was all in my head and I ‘never had proof’) when I finally had the chance to look through his messages, I found so much and I left.
Fast forward to today, I’m in a relationship with someone who is amazing - nearly two years into the relationship. I was single for 3 years prior to starting this relationship.
My issue is, when my partner does anything without me which involves alcohol or any other females attending, I start literally shaking from I guess anxiety? Or fear, I don’t know.
I’m in therapy and seeing a psych to help me react and deal better in these situations but, is there anything else I should be doing?
For example, he is going away for a friends birthday, his friends sister will be there who I get bad vibes from (she will hang off every male she can, I guess that’s her, but it makes me uncomfortable which my partner has assured me won’t happen - I trust him, I don’t trust her. It happened one of the first times I met her, and the excuse was that she has known my partner since she was 6 and they’re like siblings - she’s 27 now, I think it’s old enough to stop hanging off men you aren’t in a relationship with. My partner took charge and made sure it wouldn’t happen again) but I get so worked up that I push my insecurities onto him. I feel broken and really don’t want to lose my relationship over this. The reason this is a trigger for me is my ex would tell me I didn’t need to worry about certain females and then I read messages where he would tell other females he’s breaking up with me or sleep with them in our car, invite them over when I’m out of the state. I’m just rambling now. But, basically is there anything ‘stronger’ than a psychologist that can help me?
7 Replies
I had similar trust issues when I got together with my partner (nothing like the hell you went through)
Is your partner aware of how bad your anxieties around this are? One suggestion I do have, is ONLY if he is comfortable, perhaps he could give you tracking on his phone for the weekend he's away? Just to help calm your fears?
I honestly don't know how you build trust in a situation like this other than with time, and with him proving himself to you over & over again.
It's fantastic that you realise it's your problem, not his, and you're getting help for it.
As to the sister - well, she's not going to be hanging off your partner (unless it's SUUUPER weird....) so it doesn't matter how she behaves with other men. She's not going to influence him into behaving that way with women.
Distract yourself. Hang out with friends. Have a massive soppy movie marathon. Eat all the junk food. Do your breathing exercises. Have a big cry. And TRUST HIM. Until proven otherwise.
It’s his friends sister, I just clarified it in the post too. Sorry for the confusion.
I appreciate your advice. I don’t mind the not tracking him because he is always honest, I hand on heart don’t think he will cheat, it’s some sort of fear in me that something ‘might’ happen.
Oh right, I get it about the friend's sister. If you look at it logically (that's hard!!!!) then it doesn't matter if you trust her or not, as long as you trust him. Some women (and men) are simply major flirts like this. It sounds like he knows her well enough to just laugh & push her off him.
And yep, I understand the "but what if" fear totally. It's like a completely different brain whispering bullshit to you. Grit your teeth & smile lady, you are stronger than your anxiety.
I have anxiety (GAD) and I take valium as / when needed - I tried the herbal things first like St John's Wort, but they just made me ANGRY!!!!!
I would never push meds unless a Dr suggested you could benefit - but just maybe it wouldn't hurt occasionally 🤷♀️
So why is she going and you not? Why can’t you go with them? I agree with you though, it’s not ok for her to hang off you your man. You could try some medication, it might help with your anxiety. I was cheated on and I think if it happens again, his loss and I am much stronger from it. Our minds are so powerful and really trick us into thinking the worst. I think you should go with them on the trip.
Thank you - I’m not going because I have two little kids (5 and 7) they see their dad (my cheating ex) every second weekend however this is on my weekend with them, I don’t feel right sending them to be baby sat when I can just spend time with them myself.
You’re absolutely right! Our brains are so powerful and that’s why I think mine is broken and not responding to therapy - which I’m not going to quit. I’ve read that I can listen to affirmations whilst I sleep, will give that a good go tonight xx
One thing that helped me overcome those thoughts was the fact that I got through it last time. If my husband cheated on me like my ex husband did, I know I would be okay, like I would survive it. I would be sad of course, but I know that I can survive it. Having that thought in my head has definitely helped me to understand that the thoughts in our heads are powerful. Self talk can help a lot. Ask your counsellor to work with you on challenging your thoughts... Use the 3 C's... Catch the thought (I'm scared he's going to cheat) Challenge the thought (he's nothing like my ex and I do actually trust him) and Change the thought (I'm worried about other people around him but I know he loves me and I'll survive either way). I hope this helps!
You don’t have to trust her, you have to trust him. And you have to know that if he proves that your trust was misplaced, then you’ll be fine without him. You’ve done it before, and you can do it again. I would do it much quicker if ever in the situation again, I bet you feel the same! So let him know that. You won’t be sitting at home stressing because you trust him and because you like your relationship and it’s strong and you assume he does too, if not you don’t want it anyway.