I'm a mature woman early 60s have divorced and met a lovely gentleman we are now in love and enjoying our lives together as much as we can as we do live a distance away from each other my problem is my children don't like the fact I have met someone they don't fancy him I understand it's hard for them to accept but they are in there late 20s and 30s I also have teenage grandchildren who aren't happy about it either I really thought when they saw me happy they would understand how important this is .It has been quite quick I must admit but we figured at our age we don't have time to muck around how do I get my family to accept him and see I'm finally happy after over 30 years of misery with there farther?
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I am one of those children who struggled. My father passed away and 11 months later my mother remarried. I was in my mid 20s and still grieving.
A couple of years passed and I got to know my stepfather and how happy he made my mother. 14 years later he passed away and I sat by his bedside telling him how grateful I was for him and how much he meant to our family. He truly became the Patriach of our family and was a guiding light for all of us.
My mother went to join him last year. I am so grateful that she chased happiness and did not listen to us.
Unless this man is in some way cruel, please do not sacrifice your happiness for your children. You have raised them, now it's your time 💕
How long has it been since you separated from their father? I find adult kids take break ups harder because they're more mature and can see the mental effects on each parent and parents are less likely to hide anything from them because they're adults. They get more involved and usually know all about court cases and who gets what which can show some very ugly sides to people. They will also find it harder to like a new relationship if the other parent is still struggling to get through the separation so it becomes more like "how could you do this to him so soon, you could have waited" instead of what you want to hear. Your kids don't see the last 30 years as miserable because that would have been their life, their childhood so it's unfair to expect them to see it how you see it. Have respect for everyone, respect that they have two parents and care for each of them. You don't need to break up with your partner but don't talk about him with your kids. Also be wary about your new relationship don't go so fast. Really get to know this guy before getting serious with him.
Can you please sit them down and speak to them openly and ask them to be straight out with you. Why they do not like him. Be prepared for their answers and take it on board. They may have some genuine reasons. If they Don’t, then tell them how happy he makes you and how much you enjoy his company etc. tell them you don’t want it coming between you and them and your future but you plan on keeping him around, so they will need to adjust to it. Just make sure you spare time for them alone still and don’t tell him everything that involves your kids etc because this part of between you and your kids. It’s your life and your happiness and they need to understand that. You also need to listen and not take offence to their reasons why they don’t like him. He may give off bad vibes or anything so just be prepared for their answers and take it on.
You haven't told us why they don't like him, how quickly you repartnered and what their concerns are.
I'm just warning you, since you haven't dated for many years, there are MANY men out there looking to take advantage of women (usually financially). Unlike back in the day, they are professionals, they have honed their skills because the internet has provided them with a smorgasbord full of potential victims.
If you've been in a toxic relationship for so many years, you would be extremely vulnerable to these types and their kind words and charming personalities.
When you've been in a toxic relationship for so long, you really need to be single for a while, unpack all that's happened and find yourself again, in my opinion. I understand their concerns.
I make no secrets about loathing (loathe isn't even a strong enough term) my mum's new partner.
I don't care that's she's dating, the fact my parents are separated is no biggie - they have been since I was 9. I don't even care that the relationship moved quickly...
The sole reason I can't stand him is quite simply because he's a using, abusive piece of shit and the whole relationship is awful for my mother's mental health. I didn't like him from the get go, I could just feel it in my bones that his intentions were not good and I have been proven right too many times.
If all your children and even your teenaged grandkids aren't supportive - there's a good chance they see something in this man or this relationship that you're too love struck to recognise.
What could they be seeing? All of them to not like him based on nothing but a feeling? I doubt it. This sounds way more like Mum moved on soon after breaking up and the kids can't handle that Mum is her own person and can have her own life.
They could be seeing any number of red flags she's not.
It could be that it's just too soon after separation. Who knows really, OP has been a bit vague with the details which actually makes me think her kids probably have elaborated but their opinions of this man don't fit her narrative.
Maybe I'm way off base and OPs kids are all just brats that are conspiring together.
It's just my opinion, based on personal experience, that if several people specifically don't like the person you're dating, not the fact that you're dating in general but specifically dislike the person - there is probably a valid reason.
I think the children could still possibly be grieving the breakup of parents. There is absolutely nothing in this post to suggest there is anything wrong with this mother or the man she is interested in.
We often sacrifice our happiness for our kids throughout their childhood. There has to be a point in life where you prioritise your own happiness or else you spend the entirety of it pleasing everyone else.
I would just keep him separate from them. You're entitled to your life, but they may just not be ready to accept a new man in that role. Don't force them to interact with him, just say "I'm happy" and leave it at that.
You tell them you're lonely and need this. They need to find a way to support you because you won't choose him over them, but you're not keen on feeling depressed either
Go and be happy!! Put boundaries in place with those adults!
It’s absolutely none of their business. They don’t have to approve and you don’t have to care about their opinions.
It is their business we don’t know the circumstances. She’s lucky she has kids who care enough to look out for her.
Agreed. The whole "it's none of their business" attitude is a tad short sighted.
My mother has bipolar disorder, when she's manic she invites the worst kind of men into her life.
Us kids have had to take her to hospital in a completely catatonic state after encounters with such men have gone sour. Sure as hell ends up being our business then...
OP should at least be open to hearing her kids out.
I have a bipolar mum as well, but thankfully married.
It's tough isn't it.
Not unless she has issues such as mentioned by other posters. If she’s fine, her love life is her own affair.
Ask them outright and be gentle with them. Protect your assets also and keep everything with them separate. Remember they love you and care about you. They may see things that you don’t. While you are happy, you may be missing the red flags that they are not. I’m saying that. It could very well just because you are their mum and they want to protect you and feel they have lost part of you to him.
Generally speaking, our loved ones have our best interests at heart.
If none of your kids are particularly keen on the man you're seeing, it's probably worth having a chat with them and asking them to be honest with you and explain why exactly they feel this way. You'll need to be willing to listen to what they have to say open mindedly though
Just from an outside perspective, I can see some things that may concern your kids.
1. The speed in which your relationship has developed may worry them.
2. They might worry that this man will take advantage of you.
3. Perhaps they're worried that this man will end up making you miserable like their father did.
4. They might even be noticing some negative or unlikeable traits in this man - we all tend to have the rose coloured glasses on at the start of a new relationship but those who are closest to us don't, sometimes they're just a bit hyper vigilant or over protective.
If your kids can't really give you a solid reasoning here, I think you need to just let them process it and they'll likely come around to it in their own time.
If they come straight out with some very sound reasoning about why they don't really like him, take it on board!
At least tell your children that you appreciate their concern, tell them that you hear them and promise them that you'll proceed cautiously.
You don't need to pander to your adult children, just don't completely dismiss them either.
They’re scared to share you . As adults tho they need to mind their own business and trust in your newfound judgment
The quite quick would have me worried for my mum, friend, sister, who ever.
It’s a good idea to do a relationship health check.
For me, the things that sent alarm bells off with people relationships (and I was usually spot on).
1. Went super fast
2. Everything became about the relationship, you could never see the person without the new partner, the persons personality totally changed, hobbies changed etc
3. The partner was dropping abuse red flags everywhere but because the person was in the excited phase they could not see it.
You are only in your early 60s, you have plenty of time. You’ve spent a lot of your life in an unhappy situation, slowing things down won’t ruin your relationship, but will do a couple of things.
1. Give you a chance to make sure this is right
2. Give your kids a chance to adjust (if he is genuinely a good guy)
I met my 2nd husband 10 years after his marriage broke up. 2 of his children (late 30s & early 40s) refuse to accept me or meet me. I offered to leave him over it, but he said he wasn't sacrificing his happiness. He still seems them, albeit not often. And I find something else to do. We're very happy.