Are you the invitee or the invited?
I'm always the invitee and yes I love organising little catch ups but it's always one sided.
Just because I usually invite certain people to a catch up (ie catch up before Christmas)
I feel like these people always rely on me to be the organiser and in some cases the $$$ they never just invite me out or simply do anything nice but always expect an invitation from me. (I know my love language is giving and not everyone's is but I've taken the stance if I haven't heard from you or you haven't made the effort to include me in something - no invite)
I've finally bit the bullet and excluded a few from the catch up - yes I feel bad but I also feel used by them too. There's others that have things to do with these people too so I know they are going to hear about it......token invite isn't an option because they would turn up and expect to be waited on, drinks paid for etc
I don't like drama but I don't like to be used either.
4 Replies
I understand where you are coming from. I am one of those guilty parties who does not organise things. I guess life is so busy and I also do not cope with things so well that I do rely on my more extroverted and organised friends. I am absolutely guilty. I also 100 percent know I could not do what they do. I hope they never get tired of me. I always offer to bring something and I never intentionally use anyone, just hopeless at organising these things.
If you still want their company you could start asking everyone to bring a dish or pay for catering?? I would still come even if I had to help with effort. Although your feelings and actions are completely justified <3
I'm the one who never hosts because I hate it. I gave up organising catch ups because everyone either is busy or cancels last minute. We're also tight money wise and can't afford to feed everyone or do frequent cafe visits.
However, I pay my share if accepting an invite, always turn up & offer to bring food & help set up & clean up without being asked. One friend refuses because we do a lot to help them out. Another I go if asked, but have given up organising because she cancels last minute every time, or turns up early & has finished before I get there at the arranged time, or is chronically late. Another is single with lots of free time, lives two hours away & expects me to contact her & travel to her when I've two kids and just can't!
People are difficult and I've mostly given up.
Good on you. I have started wiping the friends who I wouldn't be friends with if it weren't for me doing the friending. The exception being people who have kind of cut themselves off from everyone because that can mean they're going through a hard time mentally but if they're still socialising with everyone else through the year and don't bother with you then you did the right thing.
When I was growing up, my mother drummed it into me that asking to hang out with someone was rude/desperate/annoying and that you always wait to be invited because then you actually know that person wants you around.
Now that I'm an adult I realise how utterly absurd that mindset is but it's been something I've found extremely hard to let go of.
I mean, if you invite me somewhere I'll be there with bells on! I'll pay my way or offer to bring a plate etc and ill thoroughly enjoy myself but I struggle to put myself out there and organise a catch up of my own. It's just that lingering, irrational fear that I'm being a pest or that people would only come because they were to polite to say no, there's probably an element of fearing complete rejection as well.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have boundaries or that you shouldn't pull back from disingenuous friendships, I'm just offering a bit of insight.
Sometimes people don't mean to be unreciprocative!