My mother has stage 4 cancer.
Today I was made to feel guilty. A sibling stating I don't do enough, said in what I felt was a very condescending way.... I know I don't do as much as them, or our brother. They are a home care nurse, so treats mum more like a resident, as that's how they are coping... this annoys mum a bit. My brother does alot, he lives with mum, but will complain at times. I help out as much as I can. I have 4 kids, I do things for her when she asks because when I ask her she snaps at me, so I make a note not to bother her about it. Mum said if she wanted my help, she would ask, wich she does. For all the people around mum, I'm the only one who isn't getting all emotional around her, I hold that in for later. I just treat her like i always have. This is all she wants from me.
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11 Replies
Maybe this is less about what your mum wants but more about your sibling asking for help to take the pressure off them. Perhaps ask your sibling how you can help them
The thing is, mum keeps telling them to back off, and stop fussing over her. She doesn't want to be treated like she's dying. Most days she's fully capable of doing things, and she wants to do it on her own, it's a matter of dignity for her. She had a go at both siblings yesterday and today, to back off and let her do what she's able too. But they keep it up and she's at breaking point. In mums eyes, she told them, that im doing enough, and she wants them all to do less
If your mum has told you there’s nothing more she wants from you then that’s all you need. You don’t need validation from your siblings or strangers on the internet
Trust me, if you were there all the time helping she would be whinging about the kids being there making noise and mess because your Mum doesn't need that when she's sick. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. My sister does the same thing to me with our brother who also has stage 4 cancer. But she also lives right around the corner and doesn't work hadn't for years not just to look after our brother. She's always trying to guilt trip me when I live 600kms away and work 6 days a week, me going up there even for just a few days costs an arm and a leg because of fuel, booking in, food while there cause we can't cook anything in a motel room. My brother is also still physically fine as in he can look after himself and that's how he likes it. He doesn't like being fussed over or seen as needing help but I think she likes the attention it brings her. We just do the big things when we are there like yard work, whatever needs doing around the house. When he can't get out of bed I will be there in a heartbeat. Well a 7 hour heartbeat lol.
That's it, mum doesn't want people treating her like a dying person. Yes help with the dishes, wash a load of washing. Maybe cook dinner once in a while and run into town for something. Every one is treating her like she's in palliative care, and it upsets her. She knows she's dying, but every one is just reminding her of it. When I just treat her like I always have, witch is all she wants from me.... right now we are in the ED, as she can't keep anything down.... we are just sitting her, having a laugh between her dryreach. My sibling is messaging every 5 minutes and it's really annoying mum. Mum had a go at them thismorning, because she's over it.
Your mum may say one thing, but I agree with the first commenter, I think you should ask your sibling what they need help with. If it's things your mum doesn't want, then you can just not to do them. However, I think now is the time to be supportive of your siblings, hear them out, find out what they're struggling with.
Maybe instead of doing things for her, offer to take her out for a drive and lunch. If she’s upto it. Ring and say mum I’m taking you out for a nice drive. Get her out and you get some time with her. This is if she is comfortable with it. It’s hard because eveyone is feeling it and know what is to come and just want to help. Maybe go and see your brother and sister and have a meeting with just those 2 and explain it. Tell them you would do anything in a flash for your mum. Maybe you could all band together and do things without your mum realising and make her feel like this. Can you get someone to stay with your kids and you have a sleep over at your mums once a week? Maybe swap with your brother? Tell your mum you want to stay there and spend time with her and enjoy her company and have a break from the kids.
Also when I say our for lunch. I mean just stop somewhere in the car and get her something she may like, even if it’s just a drink or something. I’m not sure if she can tolerate any of it but just making some suggestions.
You're the only one listening to your mum and treating her the way she wants to be treated - like your mum, and like she's a human being capable of making decisions for herself. The problem with the care of the elderly and the sick/dying is that people treat them like they're fragile, or have no agency or decision-making capacity. The medical system already treats people like they're "cases" and not humans, they don't need this from their families too.
The only thing you *should* be doing for your mum is exactly what you're doing. Soaking up her company and the laughs while she's her. Help with meals or house keeping when asked. From what you've said, she sounds like someone who is realistic but likes to find the bright side where possible. I'm very certain that she's got her wits about her. Obviously make sure she doesn't overdo and hurt herself, but she'll let you know what she needs and when.
Sometimes people become more controlling in these situations because that's the only way they know how to cope with not being able to control the outcome. Your sisters complaining is a sign of her struggling, approach it with compassion and help mum to understand too.
Some of us are more emotionally resilient than others and are able to hold it together until after they pass. It's great that your mum has you to be the light hearted one and you can see that's what she needs right now.
When she does pass remember it's okay to grieve and you do not have to stay being the strong one. I am the one that always steps up at the end emotionally and physically but it seems to take me longer to process my grief due to this.
Take care x
I’ve been reading what all the other replies are & agree with them all. Don’t forget too though that you have 4 children to take care of too. That’s full on anyway. Being there when you can, like she said, is enough. Further down the track I have no doubt you will be at her side more often.