Hey sisters,
So I've been with my partner for over 8 years, when we got to know each other we discussed all our issues etc one of them being porn, now I get everyone has different views on, but I was very honest from day 1 and made it clear porn is a deal breaker for me, as growing up as a child being forced to watch it.
His views on it was that he only watched it as he wasn't getting anything from his ex wife at the time even up to a year so I understand where he came from.
But when we had our 1st child he had purchased a new phone and while waiting for everything to be transferred you could see everything mainly all porn.
So I confronted him about it he said I have a problem.
Then a year later I asked to borrow his phone and I thought I hit the chrome button but nope it was all this porn again. After we discussed it he had made a promise to not do it again.
Well as of last week I felt something wasn't right, as he was acting off, so I asked him if I could use his phone he slid it to me on the table and I checked his history and yep as I thought full of porn. But today as I went through his old phone it turns out when he promised to stop he never did. He has now lied several times about.
We go to bed at different hours as he is up early and I attend to the kids organising then and for school the next day, then housework all the mum duties, he is in bed just after 8pm, I have asked him to help me so I can at least come to bed earlier to have that time with him then I can get back up to finish what I need to do.
I get absolutely no help with anything and I've tried to explain to him that if he helps me some nights so I can get to bed earlier so I can also enjoy some time with him.
I'm feeling like I have absolutely no trust in him anymore and that it's become more of an addiction, I love him soo much but I just don't think I can handle the constant lying.
Is there other ways I should approach this or is he so set in his way he is happy to do continue it?
His issue with me is that I don't dress up or where make up, I'm at home with kids 24/7 I never go out and never get a break, he doesn't help me with anything as I'm the mum and it's my job and responsibility. He comes home from work eats, sits on his phone and then bed, it at times just makes me feel like I'm not attracted to him.
I'm feeling so sick to my stomach I just don't know I feel about this anymore :(
I've tried to get him to help so he can make time for me to, but I'm feeling like he isn't attracted to me because he is heavily reliant on his porn and he is happy with that.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated 🥰
19 Replies
With all due respect, you don’t have a right to tell him what he can and can’t watch
Correct, but knowing she has childhood trauma from it he should respect her enough to not do it. He then lied to her their whole relationship
Well be honest and day I enjoy porn and I won't/can't stop..Dont hide it and then blame her for not being made up enough to visually apples to him like some actress without dead weight attached to her like he is.
Other commenter is correct. You can’t tell him what he can and can’t watch.
What you can control is yourself. If you can’t get past his wanting to watch porn, then you need to leave.
He is a grown man who can watch porn if he wants to.
If you are feeling disrespected and he wont change, then you have 2 options: leave or become ok with it.
I’m not a fan of my partner watching porn, but i always make time to have sex and i dress up in the bedroom from time to time. I take a sneaky sexy picture every now and then and surprise him.
You do what you need to do to be ok.
Hmmm I dunno where to start… firstly you did state it was a dealbreaker but is it? As you didn’t leave the first , second or consecutive times 😅
I watch porn and it has nothing to do with my partner 😅 but he’s not always available and a girls got needs! 😂
When I was young I felt similiar to you but life changes and it might be because I’ve been cheated on in the past too so nowadays I just think, well they could be cheating ….
Plus no one likes a hypocrite 😂
I think you were honest with him upfront and he should have been honest with you if he felt he could not commit to no porn. That at least would have given you the choice to leave pre kids. It's obvious he cannot keep his end of the bargain.
So that leaves you with either acceptance as long as that includes more honesty from him OR if it's something you cannot get past, then possible separation.
The other issue is the lack of time to be intimate together. Sometimes porn is easier as it requires minimal effort. I would suggest getting a sitter and making time for each other.
He's lied to her because she's forced him to do what she wants and to keep her happy and life peaceful its easier to lie. She needs to back off
Hmmm I disagree, he’s lied to her because he’s a liar, he could have just been honest from the get go , like yeah nah, I’m not giving up porn…. Bam done, he put a boundary up instead of just lying
Absolutely. He lied when he knew that was a dealbreaker for her. We all have choices and if he knew she felt so strongly about it he should not have lied. I do not personally have a problem with porn even though I know it is not considered 'healthy' but I do have a problem with liars.
What exactly has she forced him to do? He's still addicted to porn and chooses it over her, despite telling her he wouldn't when they got together
You can’t control what he does in his alone time. He’s just going to lie if you do, and so would I.
The last part is the problem in my opinion it’s weird you added it last. You seem to think he’s like that because of the porn but I disagree. I think his attitude and actions are his and can be approached completely independently of the porn watching.
The porn issue, as distressing as it is for you, is yours. It's not his . He's lied to you because you've told him he can't watch porn even in his own time. Why can't he? It's not in your face unless you're touching his phone, so get some counselling and leave him be or you're going to push him away if you haven't already .
His issue is not that you don’t dress up or wear make up. What a cop out and a piss weak excuse. His issue is that he has a porn addiction. You are the mother of His children. Where the hell does he think you will find time to dress up and wear make up. He is covering his ass and blaming you to cover his addiction.
Has he cheated? I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and trying to raise your family. How awful. I couldnt stay around, if I was getting no help and he was more invested in porn that his wife and kids.
Maybe he needs to use his incognito tab. Your rules are OTT.
I don't like porn either. I can't get past the fact that too many women in the industry are exploited and degraded.
I also feel like it sets so many unrealistic standards and it's addictive, I know too many men who have no idea what non porn star women enjoy and I know too many women who's partners have quite literally rejected sex altogether because they can no longer have any sexual satisfaction without porn.
However, I do understand that my partner has the right to make his own choices in that regard. I don't know if he watches porn, if he does he's discrete about it and it doesn't bleed into our relationship, so non issue really...
Your partners use of porn does sound a bit excessive, to the point it might actually be a an issue. He also sounds like a massive man child who expects you to raise the kids, run all the errands, maintain the household and expect you to still look sexy at the end of the day.
That is where the biggest problems lie.
As others have said, you don't get to tell him what he can & can't do or watch.
He may have a porn addiction, but like any addiction, you can't fix that. It won't stop unless he wants to stop, and seeks help for it.
Now, deal breaker means deal breaker. You've now proved numerous times that it is actually NOT a deal breaker for you, because you've stayed after catching him out numerous times.
You've also stayed after catching him lying about it numerous times.
So basically you've given him permission to keep watching porn and keep lying about it, because although you've said "it's a deal breaker" - you've not left him.
You can't set boundaries for other people. Boundaries are something you set for yourself - eg. "If I find out he's watching porn and or lying to me, I will leave because I refuse to be disrespected in that way."
Also, you say "his issue with me is I don't dress up or wear make-up and won't help with the kids or house because that's my job "
So he wants you to be the perfect little 1950s housewife. Is that what YOU want?
Do you really want to be with a man that consistently does the one thing you asked him NOT to do; lies about it constantly; talks negatively about your appearance; puts you down; gives you no help and treats you like an unpaid nanny & maid? Can you trust him about anything anymore?
It sounds like you've expressed yourself pretty clearly. So he basically just refuses to respect you and what you ask of him. He's making a very clear choice here, to continue all these behaviours.
So now you need to choose whether you stay and accept all of these things, because he's blatantly shown you he is not willing to change.
I'm sorry that porn is a trigger for you, that must be really traumatic, I hope you are getting help or have gotten help for that trauma because I think that in it self must be really debilitating. I'm not really sure how to put this in a PC way, so I'll just share my experience...I was assaulted at a party as a young teen, this has caused me to have some triggers in the bedroom...my husband and I have worked through that together, he worked on gaining my trust so those little things were no longer a trigger anymore, we were always honest and open and we worked through it. I genuinely think working through those triggers with him has been hands down the most healing and freeing experiencss of my life. I'm not downplaying how your husband has acted, being deceitful on any level is wrong and can cause more issues, but I would suggest taking a different approach.
As far as him not helping you around the house and with kids ect he needs to realise there is consequences for that! If it were me I would tell him very directly that the more help he gives you the more energy you would have in the bedroom!
Porn is unhealthy fullstop. Everyone knows it sets unrealistic expectations and can damage relationships. Having said this, lots of people still watch it.
Your feelings towards it are absolutely valid, he has lied repeatedly. Just because a heap of people watch it does not suddenly make it healthy. Then there's the exploitation of sex workers... need I say more.
So his personal choice is to continue watching lots of porn. You say this is a dealbreaker. It seems to me the choice is yours to make because he will not change and he has proven it multiple times.
You both hold different values and that's not going to shift easily.
I feel it disgusting that so many adults are putting their sexual pleasure justification above a child abuse victim asking for help.
The fact you can sit there are put her down for wanting him to stop because you like your porn fix.
I feel if it's a deal breaker though you need to leave. Show him you at serious as all he is seeing is he can do as he wants and you're okay with it.