Hi Sisters,
My husband had a serious meth addiction for 15 years. His comedowns were moody , rude, nasty, bitter , condescending and full of contemptuous behaviours towards me . There are no kids involved.
Fast forward 5 yrs he's been clean after rehab and councilling. He went to Uni and got two jobs, and and got away from the old crowd of meth mates he had. He's a new man. Except...
But lately he's been drinking, not in excess, but enough for me to worry. It's like he's swapped one drug for another. I was extremely traumatised for the 15 yrs of hell he put me through, he got clean because I said I was leaving . It literally scared him straight. The alcohol makes him aggressive, rude, moody , nasty condescending and contemptuous too . He denies he's doing it. It is extremely triggering for me and reminds me of his comedowns. I'm going to leave him if it keeps happening my heart cannot bare anymore of this behaviour.
He's achieved so much since being clean, I almost feel like I'm being ungrateful but I'm just too damaged from his past drug use . I can't heal if I'm always reminded of his meth days.
Please don't suggest he might be using again. He isn't. He's moved to alcohol instead and is a shitcu*t to be around when be drinks. What would you do? Please offer me some ideas? I've asked him to drink less and he has but it makes no difference. Just two alcoholic drinks can do the same thing to him as much as a whole bottle would .
I haven't even fully healed from his meth days so each drink he has is gut wrenching for me. What do I do here? I have supported and stood by him for so long . Now this.
4 Replies
Alcohol does make a lot of people flat out assholes. Especially people with no tolerance, like your hubby being clean of everything for 5 years.
The only way through this is communication - when he's sober.
Surely he must understand that he has an addictive personality and he's just swapping one for the other??
I'd draw a hard line. If you're drinking, don't come home. End of story.
Any chance you can record the asshole things he says when he's pissed & play them back when he's sober?
Is he a prick to everyone, or just you? Because if he pulls that shit at a pub with strangers, eventually someone's going to snot him one. That might wake him up.
Remember, there's no excuse for abusive behaviour (even verbal). Maybe have a look at Al-Anon for some advice.
Sometimes depends on how much damage it has done to yourself. I know that sometimes you can't move past certain things, i still sometimes get like a trigger moment when my partner says something slightly jealous as he use to be very jealous and made my life very difficult, it kind of sticks with you and there was a time in my life where I thought I can't stop disliking him for that but we went to the counsellor in Cairns and they helped keeping a calm communication between us and making us both see from different perspectives. Commination is key especially using the word - I - not - you -
I think your hubby probably gets in defence mode too, he doesn't see that drugs just ain't for him yet he needs to vent somehow. He needs to find a way to do it in a different way, maybe go to the beach or such. I don't know I would just suggest communicating and counselling
He has not dealt with the underlying issues that led him towards addiction to begin with. It also sounds like his original reasons for quitting were for you and not recognising he has these internal things he needs to deal with?? Has he engaged in long term counselling? If it were me I would change the narrative and without mentioning concerns re addiction suggest getting healthy together instead. Maybe trying to encourage healthy lifestyle choices e.g. going to the gym together or a walk and make sure it cuts into his normal drinking time. If he is really resistant to any change then it may be time to put yourself first and remind him you are not his mother. You deserve a partner, not someone you have to constantly worry about.
He is still an addict, he's just changed the drug of choice, this will be a lifelong challenge and you deserve to heal too. Pack your bags and go heal and have the life you deserve.