You need to speak to him about it and encourage him to do the right thing by her by being open, honest with her and leave. She will find out one day. Teach him to do the right thing. She doesn’t deserve this and you need to make it known to your son, that it’s not on and it’s not how you raised him. Do they have kids.? He needs to cut her free. It’s the worst feeling being cheated on. The last thing you want, is her finding out that you all knew about this and she didn’t. Don’t go easy on your son with this. Be firm and let him know, that you aren’t happy about it and if he was a decent and honest man, like you have raised then, he will do the right thing, come clean or end it asap.
Stay out of it. Pretend you don’t know anything at all. Unless it’s an affair, in which case get on his case that you are not impressed and to sort himself out. Then go back to not knowing anything, you’ll only end up being the one that cops it. You won’t be able to have any relationship with her afterwards if you knew and had convos with him about it without telling her. My ex told me his sister used to chase him around (trying to convince me they don’t condone it) it actually made me feel sicker anyway that that had all happened and still they left me in the dark.
Tell him if he doesn’t do the right thing and tell her or leave her then you will tell her. She deserves better. I know this is your son but this comes down and morals and respect.
I wonder how that son found out. Did his brother confide out of wanting to tell someone or did he have the balls to do it when he was there. That one needs to be very careful because he’ll be tarred with the same brush. And I think the cheater really needs a harsh word that he’s fucking around with other peoples lives and putting you all in really shitty positions.
Of course it’s her business. Her son is deceitful to his wife. She raised him and she knows about it. If she doesn’t speak up then she is being deceitful to his wife too. Honesty always!
Ok and then first son never comes to her with private info again. Second son resents her. His wife leaves and cuts her off permanently.
I am not saying to support him, I am saying to be hugely disgusted in him, but as the mum in this she does need to tread carefully. It’s her sons relationship, not hers.
Bad people and evil actions succeed because good people do nothing. If a mother can't tell her son to grow a pair and own his mistakes, he's weak and likely to cut her off over anything he doesn't like. Sorry.... but this is something a mother should be able to say to her son.
Completely agree. But forcing his hand with threats, or telling her is going further that than.
He’s also a grownup and I very much doubt this is his first ‘mistake’ or will be his last, and there’s nothing others can say to him now that will change that.
100 percent this. As a young woman my ex was cheating and a whole lot of people had the stinking attitude of 'not my business' so kept it from me and covered for him. I then had children to the pig and discovered it afterwards. I could have gotten out sooner! He stole years of my life and it was one thing to be betrayed by him but I keep thinking of those disgusting people who hid it and allowed me to suffer at the hands of a narcissist. Even an anon message or note would have been better than the years of hearing 'it's all in your head'.
I think the first thing you need to do is assess the legitimacy of what your son has told you about his brother. Eg:
Did he witness it happen?
Did his brother explicitly and unmistakably tell him about the cheating incident/s?
Or does he have some other kind of incontrovertible proof that it happened?
If there is no doubt that this is true, I think you and your first son should sit down together and speak with your other son about his actions. Encourage him to tell his partner what has happened.
If theres not really any evidence this happened, it's little more than gossip. That's hard to do anything with because it could quite possibly still be true but it could just as easily be a malicious lie or a misunderstanding.
In that scenario, I think I'd just hang onto this information and keep quiet until I knew more.
I would turn a blind eye. Yes she should know if this is true but in no way should you be involved in her finding out, leave it. Look at how this could turn out. You could damage the relationship with either son or even both. You could also run the risk of this completely turning around on you, being made out to be a trouble making MIL and shut out of their lives and subsequently any grandkids lives. As a parent there are some things you just can't get involved in when it comes to adult kids and this is one of them. Your other son should not have told you.
I would first go to the son who told you and suggest talking to your son who cheated. The issue you have is he has trusted you with this information, so you need to ensure you are both on the same page so he does not get hurt for disclosing. If he agrees then I would sit your son who has cheated down and have a discussion with him. Give him the opportunity to tell you first and ask him if he is happy in the relationship. I would then suggest that the cheating is a sign he is not and ask him to think about how he would feel if she cheated and hid this information. Explain that the guilt will eat away at their relationship even if she does not know. He already damaged the relationship the moment he decided to cheat and the continual lying is going to make it harder for her to forgive him. Encourage him to do the right thing so she can choose to either forgive him or move on.
I would let him know that I know, that I love him and I will be there to help guide him through what he needs to do. Parenting just doesn’t stop at adulthood. I would also be letting him know that he needs to tell his partner and that after 10 years I respect them too much for my son to be deceitful. Once I had the conversation I would keep checking in, offer a shoulder and stay out of it. How they choose to move forward would be up to them, but my son would know explicitly that while I don’t agree with his actions I will be there to love and guide him through what could be a very painful next chapter in his life.
17 Replies
You need to speak to him about it and encourage him to do the right thing by her by being open, honest with her and leave. She will find out one day. Teach him to do the right thing. She doesn’t deserve this and you need to make it known to your son, that it’s not on and it’s not how you raised him. Do they have kids.? He needs to cut her free. It’s the worst feeling being cheated on. The last thing you want, is her finding out that you all knew about this and she didn’t. Don’t go easy on your son with this. Be firm and let him know, that you aren’t happy about it and if he was a decent and honest man, like you have raised then, he will do the right thing, come clean or end it asap.
Stay out of it. Pretend you don’t know anything at all. Unless it’s an affair, in which case get on his case that you are not impressed and to sort himself out. Then go back to not knowing anything, you’ll only end up being the one that cops it. You won’t be able to have any relationship with her afterwards if you knew and had convos with him about it without telling her. My ex told me his sister used to chase him around (trying to convince me they don’t condone it) it actually made me feel sicker anyway that that had all happened and still they left me in the dark.
I don’t agree with this at all.
Tell him if he doesn’t do the right thing and tell her or leave her then you will tell her. She deserves better. I know this is your son but this comes down and morals and respect.
You were told because your son wants you to do the right thing. Tell your other son to be honest or you will.
I wonder how that son found out. Did his brother confide out of wanting to tell someone or did he have the balls to do it when he was there. That one needs to be very careful because he’ll be tarred with the same brush. And I think the cheater really needs a harsh word that he’s fucking around with other peoples lives and putting you all in really shitty positions.
Not your business
Of course it’s her business. Her son is deceitful to his wife. She raised him and she knows about it. If she doesn’t speak up then she is being deceitful to his wife too. Honesty always!
Ok and then first son never comes to her with private info again. Second son resents her. His wife leaves and cuts her off permanently.
I am not saying to support him, I am saying to be hugely disgusted in him, but as the mum in this she does need to tread carefully. It’s her sons relationship, not hers.
Bad people and evil actions succeed because good people do nothing. If a mother can't tell her son to grow a pair and own his mistakes, he's weak and likely to cut her off over anything he doesn't like. Sorry.... but this is something a mother should be able to say to her son.
Completely agree. But forcing his hand with threats, or telling her is going further that than.
He’s also a grownup and I very much doubt this is his first ‘mistake’ or will be his last, and there’s nothing others can say to him now that will change that.
Why steal another 5, 10 or 20 years of her life though? She deserves to know
100 percent this. As a young woman my ex was cheating and a whole lot of people had the stinking attitude of 'not my business' so kept it from me and covered for him. I then had children to the pig and discovered it afterwards. I could have gotten out sooner! He stole years of my life and it was one thing to be betrayed by him but I keep thinking of those disgusting people who hid it and allowed me to suffer at the hands of a narcissist. Even an anon message or note would have been better than the years of hearing 'it's all in your head'.
I think the first thing you need to do is assess the legitimacy of what your son has told you about his brother. Eg:
Did he witness it happen?
Did his brother explicitly and unmistakably tell him about the cheating incident/s?
Or does he have some other kind of incontrovertible proof that it happened?
If there is no doubt that this is true, I think you and your first son should sit down together and speak with your other son about his actions. Encourage him to tell his partner what has happened.
If theres not really any evidence this happened, it's little more than gossip. That's hard to do anything with because it could quite possibly still be true but it could just as easily be a malicious lie or a misunderstanding.
In that scenario, I think I'd just hang onto this information and keep quiet until I knew more.
I would turn a blind eye. Yes she should know if this is true but in no way should you be involved in her finding out, leave it. Look at how this could turn out. You could damage the relationship with either son or even both. You could also run the risk of this completely turning around on you, being made out to be a trouble making MIL and shut out of their lives and subsequently any grandkids lives. As a parent there are some things you just can't get involved in when it comes to adult kids and this is one of them. Your other son should not have told you.
I would first go to the son who told you and suggest talking to your son who cheated. The issue you have is he has trusted you with this information, so you need to ensure you are both on the same page so he does not get hurt for disclosing. If he agrees then I would sit your son who has cheated down and have a discussion with him. Give him the opportunity to tell you first and ask him if he is happy in the relationship. I would then suggest that the cheating is a sign he is not and ask him to think about how he would feel if she cheated and hid this information. Explain that the guilt will eat away at their relationship even if she does not know. He already damaged the relationship the moment he decided to cheat and the continual lying is going to make it harder for her to forgive him. Encourage him to do the right thing so she can choose to either forgive him or move on.
I would let him know that I know, that I love him and I will be there to help guide him through what he needs to do. Parenting just doesn’t stop at adulthood. I would also be letting him know that he needs to tell his partner and that after 10 years I respect them too much for my son to be deceitful. Once I had the conversation I would keep checking in, offer a shoulder and stay out of it. How they choose to move forward would be up to them, but my son would know explicitly that while I don’t agree with his actions I will be there to love and guide him through what could be a very painful next chapter in his life.