Hi IMs,
I have been with my partner for 7 years. After 2 years together he started showing some mental health difficulties. After many years of raising it with him, he will not commit to therapy or seeing a GP regularly and I’m not sure if he is taking the meds he was originally prescribed. We have 2-4 good weeks where he is a wonderful man and then in an instant this other persona enters that is nasty, immature, unengaging, and has memory difficulties. This can go on for 1-8 weeks. During this time I find myself shutting off from him and feeling very alone and then I’m sad and angry so reconnecting when he comes back to me is getting harder and harder.
I’m at a loss as to how I can keep living like this. I don’t want this relationship to end because the good times are great. I’m asking if any of you have experienced this and have any advice on how to accept this situation and protect my own mental health and not shut down so much.
7 Replies
You shouldn’t accept this situation at all. He is doing nothing to help himself. He should see and know what it’s doing to you. Give him the ultimatum, get help and stick with it or you will be gone. Just to make sure also, are you sure he isn’t using any drugs at all that you may not have thought of. Before anyone attacks me, I completely understand mental health. There is a time though when people don’t seek help, others can’t keep carrying it themselves and sinking.
No, I couldn’t. What about your mental health? You need to think of you here. He isn’t will to get help, then why should your mental health suffer.
No, I definitely couldn't live with this. Mental illness or not, this is an abusive situation that you're in. He's horrible to you for a good proportion of your time together, and then love bombs you when he's feeling better. Even if the good times are incredible, staying in a situation where the bad times are potentially 2/3 of the time (if his episodes last the full 8 weeks and good times are 4 weeks) for the possibility that you'll have some good soon isn't fair on you, so it's not surprising that you're shutting down and finding it harder to reconnect.
He's also being shown in your behaviour and reactions that it's okay to treat you badly during his down times. It inevitable when you're partnered that sometimes your partner will bear the brunt of a bad mood from time to time. I struggle with my mental health and have done for as long as I can remember. I have taken that out on my partner (and kid) some of that time and for a time I felt like I couldn't help that.
What I deal with, mentally, is pretty straightforward, responsive to the right treatment and I do what I can to manage myself so that I don't get to a point where I'm treating my family badly because I feel awful. Does it always work? No. I have really bad days but I'm aware that my feeling bad isn't my family's fault.
Some mental illness is severe and not as easily managed, or it takes time to find the right treatment(s). Medication and therapy in combination are often required and sometimes the treatments can be expensive or difficult to access. Lots of people (especially, but not always, men) avoid it or give up when it's not easily fixed.
All of that 👆 being true, managing his condition is HIS responsibility. He is still a grown adult in a relationship treating his partner like crap for up to 2 months at a time because he isn't managing it. You don't deserve to have to live like this. He's already demonstrated that he's not going to put in the work to protect you or make your lives better. You're going to have to change it to protect yourself.
He's bipolar. This is not your responsibility to take but his. If he doesn't get help to curb the episodes then you have 2 choices..accept this is your life, or decide that this isn't how you want to live and move on. Yes you might love him etc but nothing you can do will change or fix him, only he can choose to take the steps to help himself
It’s one thing to support a partner through their mental health journey when they are taking steps to stay on top of it. It’s another thing altogether when they won’t do anything about it. It is completely unfair to you and any children living with them. To protect your mental health and the mental health of any children, you need to leave him. It may just be the jolt he needs to get the support he needs. If he can prove long term that he is treating his mental health issues you can always give the relationship another go. If he doesn’t take the required steps, then you need to accept that it wasn’t the relationship for you.
No, I wouldn't stay for this. If he was actively seeking therapy and engaging with it and taking the meds, then absolutely I'd be right there with him.
But if he chooses not to address his mental health issues, and is so abusive to you in his bad patches, I would leave.
Similar to addiction, you can't force someone to help themselves. You've supported him all you can, but he still chooses not to help himself. And it IS a choice that he's making.
Many people with mental illness live good, successful and happy lives because they take the help that is available to them.
It's a sad situation, but there comes a point that you have to protect yourself and stop accepting the bad behaviour because "he's sick".
Would you stay if he didn't have a mental illness, but behaved this way just because it's his personality?
Same same. At some point, you need to properly understand and accept the fact that he is abusive to you, and the reasons don't matter.
Yes 😥 my husband has suffered from depression and anxiety for nearly 10 years, but the signs were there much earlier.
I really had to dig deep during one particularly long episode where he wasn’t getting any help, or taking meds. I made the decision within myself whether I was going to stay or not, then bought it to him that I wasn’t coming down the rabbit hole with him, he needed to take steps to sort himself out or I walking. I did have to book all the appointments and go with him but I can say things are much better now. He still has some rough days where the anxiety is crippling and it is hard work, some days he needs support and others to be told he’s being a bit of a dick. But he is a wonderful dad and a good man.
I know it sounds like I’m talking about a child but after seeing him at his absolute worst I do sympathise.
I know things are changing but there is still so much stigma around mens mental health, but he does have to take those steps to help himself. At the end of the day you also have to protect yourself and your own sanity, it’s a very lonely path being the partner of someone with mental health issues 😥❤️