Drowning in the everyday.
I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I can't find my footing. I honestly feel like I'm drowning with a smile on my face.
My husband recently became a paraplegic due a drunk driver hitting him on his way home from work.
Please please understand that I know how fortunate we are to not have lost him or for him to not have far worse injuries. But I also feel like the rug had been pulled out from under me. We have 3 under 3 and my husband was main earner but also a very supportive and active husband and father. While I know he is still here, I also in the same breath feel like I've lost my partner in parenting and just daily life.
I know this sounds incredibly selfish given what my husband is experiencing, i can even begin to comprehend how difficult this is for him, please don't think I am trying to take away from that at all. I am struggling to just wrap my head around all this and keep up with everyday life that just continues like my world hasn't changed. The everyday is killing me. Washing, dishes, bathing, cleaning, feeding, cooking, etc etc. We have not yet had funding approved for a cleaner yet so this still all need to be done around working myself. I'm on a casual contract so I have no annual or sick leave to use to give myself a break.
I realised I'm not really asking anything I'm just having a giant sook.
15 Replies
Please take this time to grieve for yourself! And to seek care for yourself!
You can sympathise and recognise your partners injuries but also be sad for the change and impact it has on you and your little family.
Your world has changed and it is ok to be sad and be selfish at times. Your workload has just grown astronomically almost over night through no fault of yours and your partners and that is a hard pill to swallow!
I hope in time that you are able to utilise support etc. but don’t hold back on getting some for yourself also!!
Take care - your cup needs to be full too
Yes your husband is going through something but so are you. One does not diminish the other. Your feelings of grief are valid. Please access any supports you are able to.
Only one criticism here, you are being too hard on yourself x
Oh you poor mum this is so sad. Not only for you and your husband but your poor babies who now have to adjust to dad being in this situation. This is heartbreaking and you would be grieving the life that you were meant to have together. What a selfish driver, who has taken all this away from you & your family. I am so sorry. You can sook all you like, you have every right too. It’s bloody terrible that you are all going through this because of a selfish low life who chose to drive drunk 🥹 your lives are forever changed because of this. I hope you all get the support and help that you need. I hope the driver rotts in a prison cell.
I would be a complete mess everyday. Sending love and strength at this time 🙏🏼❤️
Please don't beat yourself up about feeling this way - this is a hard thing that's come your way and it's scary, and painful, and frustrating and sad and you're allowed to feel all these feelings.
These events don't just impact the person they happen to, they impact the people around them. Yes, he's likely going through some very painful and difficult things. And you're not just making it about you. I promise. Your world has been turned completely upside down and it's understandable that you'd be struggling with that. It IS a loss you're grieving, even though he's still here - it's grieving the life you had and expected to have. It's not his fault, it's not your fault, it's a shit thing to have to deal with and you will both be going through a roller-coaster of emotions trying to get through this.
Obviously this will take quite a while to get sorted. Accept any and all help offered while it does.
My heart goes out to you. What a massive life changing event for your family. It’s totally normal and valid to have complicated emotions around what has happened and it’s totally normal to be having difficulty coping with the extra workload etc that comes with that.
Not the same situation, I went though a transition myself when my adult son developed a rare disorder. This meant a huge adjustment for me, as I became his full time carer while supports etc were put in place. It was a long adjustment period and my emotions were big, complicated and often contradictory.
It can be hard to make time for yourself in all of that to process. But when you can it will be important for you to find a professional to talk to. Sometimes the carers get lost in the looking after the patient.
I found my local carers association very helpful while waiting for the NDIS to kick into gear.
It’s allowed to be about you! You feel guilty making it about you, but what’s happened to him is one thing. What’s happened to you and is happening now with the ongoing nature of the disability, that is something huge that has happened to you and it’s ok for you to find someone (not him or his family) to talk to. Probably a professional. You need it, don’t feel bad about it.
Totally ok to need to vent get to your gp set up counselling for yourself and then ndis for your husband you can get more then a cleaner best of luck for the future
This is awful, I'm so sorry ☹.
It's absolutely ok to feel this way, and be careful of carer's burnout. Definitely get yourself counselling to get through it.
And all those people around you who said "let me know if I can do anything" - accept their help!!!!! Let them know you're struggling!!! Ask a couple if they could make some big freezer batches for dinners.
Ask them to help with cleaning. And laundry.
And your partner can still help (depending on his current rehab levels amd mental state). He can fold laundry. He can make & pack school lunches on the coffee table. It'll make him feel more useful too.
It's a terrible situation. People will help if you let them.
While I have no doubt that your husband is having a hard time adjusting, surely no one would expect that you aren't. Yes your husband is still with you, but your life as you know it has been turned on it's head. The dreams you had for the future are gone. You've gone from having a full partner to doing it almost alone. These are not insignificant things. Don't feel guilty for having feelings about it. Life is different now and not what you wanted. You are certainly allowed to grieve what you had. No doubt in time you will adjust. But give yourself time to be ok with it.❤️
That's not selfish. That is grief and just real when there is a life changing event. You maybe would benefit from loss and grief counselling honestly. Sending hugs
That's not selfish. That is grief and just real when there is a life changing event. You maybe would benefit from loss and grief counselling honestly. Sending hugs
Please realize that this is and definitely should also be about you. My husband had a back injury and had to have surgery, it has limited his mobility a lot. I became the main person for a lot of things and during all of it was not able to sit and weep as they say. I dropped off my son with a friend for a few hours and cried by myself in the beach. I lost my a person, not physically per say but physically and nobody else understands that. Allow yourself time to get things done and after this settles a bit (which it will) find a support group. I had one before moving out of state but I actually enjoyed it because it allowed me to grieve the partner I had. Several things changed and I lost a huge part of myself as well after his accident. It’s ok to feel what you feel. YOU matter, your feelings matter. HUGE hug to you. Sending lots of love & positive vibes your way.
I just wanted to touch base and make sure you are speaking with a solicitor for ctp payout. Don’t settle for the piss poor money they will try and throw at you.Take it all the way to get a decent pay out for your family. You are so strong!
Oh my goodness, I read this and just wanted to give you a massive hug, you are NOT selfish at all, I have no doubt you love your husband but it's OK to grieve for the person he used to be, yes he's still that person deep down but he has changed and it's OK to be upset, angry and miss the old him, please please be kind to yourself, reach out to someone, even your GP, your little ones maternal health nurse
I know everyone else jas said it but be kind to yourself love ❤️
O Mumma, your feelings are valid and you’re allowed to grieve the life you planned with your husband and now your whole world looks different. Go to a GP, ask for a mental health plan and a psych that specifically specialises in grief and trauma. You could also be experiencing PTSD from his accident.
Please know you and your feelings are valid. Life is so unfair and it sucks that someone changed your life so dramatically because they decided they needed to drink drive.
I honestly think we need WAY harsher penalties for those that drink drive. This was done with intent and should be treated as such. I believe this should be right up there as assault with a deadly weapon (car). They knew what the risks were when they got into that car.