I wrote in quite a while ago about my husband having online relationships. I made the decision to end my marriage. He lives downstairs because he’s got no job or money. He’s just started getting jobseeker. I wont kick him out because my love for my kids is too strong and I know putting him on the streets will upset them
For the past 6 years he’s hardly done anything with them and now or ended the marriage he’s stepped up as a parent with with 2 of his children, the 3rd doesn’t want anything to do with him. I’m happy he’s finally stepped up. My question is I’m struggling and need advice on how to handle the situation without making my kids feel they can’t see their dad. Every day they get up and literally spend most of the day down their with him. I’m now feeling so alone and like I’m losing my kids! I spoke to them tonight and explained I miss them a lot and I love they are enjoying time with dad and hopefully we can all share our times together ( I made it as non judgmental as I could and respected they love him). He keeps bribing them down there with lollies icecreams junk etc. I refuse to stoop to his level and chose to be honest about my feelings and that I love them and miss our time together. Am I doing it right or is their any suggestions to help guide me through this tricky transition and not come out the bad guy.
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19 Replies
This whole situation is a mess. You can’t continue to live with him and have this marriage ended in this way. A seperate in, means separation and until you find the courage to give him a time frame to leave and find his own place to have his kids, this won’t work. As much as you believe in this, it’s hardly a separation.
You need to sit down and speak with him and give him a time frame to move out and find his own place. Then you can move forward and have him out of your space and move on with your life separately.
No excuses he needs to move out. He can then step up more, find himself a job and take responsibility for himself.
Only you can do this the right way, be strong and give him 7-8 weeks or so to move out. Get his ass out looking for a place, a job etc. you are making this easy for him. Why would he ever leave this situation.
You can care from a distance because he is your childrens father but you can’t care enough now to worry about where he lives etc. he needs to care and take on this responsibility, it’s no longer up to you. I don’t mean this in an awful way, I mean that he needs to be the one to care for his life style and take control of it.
I think for as long as he's living there the kids should be able to come and go between the two of you as they please. When he has his shit sorted and moved out it will be difficult for them having both parents in separate homes so let them make the most of this set up while they can. I would also give your ex a time frame to get out so he doesn't get too cosy down there. There's no way he's getting his own place on job seeker he will need to get a job first. I would give him 6-12 months to get sorted given the current rental situation and the fact he needs to find a job.
6-12 months is a bit too generous. I think weeks else he will get to comfy and not find a job!
I agree 6-12 months is along time. I think more like 1-2 months tops.
Ok, so you think he's going to find a full time job, stick at it for the 3-6 months that real estates like to see and find a rental, all in one or two months? I'm not good at maths but that doesn't work out.
6-12 months actually flies very quickly. If this was the other way around and it was OP that had to leave, what would you be saying if he said you have a month to get out?
I doubt he will even get a job full stop!
Who would want to live with there ex for 12 month? I certainly wouldn’t 😳.
Nobody wants to live with their ex.
I think you're all getting a bit carried away with my comment. She hasn't said anywhere in her post about wanting him out, she specifically says she doesn't want him on the streets so she's obviously ok with him being there for a time and she surely has an idea it could be a while. I'm suggesting she kicks him out. You all seem to be stuck on the realistic time frame I suggested, which is not longer than the current setup which has no time frame at all. At the end of the day, if they own that house he has just as much right to it as she does and she might not get him to move until they sell it.
He is a grown man who has a choice to be on the streets or not. Has he made attempts to find a job? A house? Somewhere to stay. She can’t carry him for ever. There will be another excuse in 6 months. He is no longer her concern. It’s ended. No one wants anyone on the streets but if he is making no attempt to find work at least , then this path of being on the streets is his choice and she has to block him off.
Sorry but I disagree. Living with your ex, time certainly does not fly 😂 On a serious note, he can do a lot of damage to the relationship between her children and herself the longer he stays and nothing can put a price on that. He needs to go and stand on his own 2 feet. Give him a time frame so he stops , thinks and starts to get his ass into gear. He won’t start this process if he is given 6-12 months. Weeks, will get his moving quicker. If my ex told me to leave in 6-12 weeks, I’d leave tomorrow.
This is not actually her concern. Her concern is her kids and herself. He is one person who will find it easier to share a place or stay with a friend or family. The sooner the better, to end this for good.
I will say it again.
I have suggested she ask him to leave, instead of just letting him stay there indefinitely, put a REALISTIC time limit on it. But I'm just someone on the internet, obviously the OP can do whatever the hell she wants.
I admire the OP for putting her kids feelings first even though he sounds like a loser, he's still their Dad and she's put their needs above her own which shows what a great mother she is. The kids wouldn't know about Dads affairs (hopefully) so all they would see is that Mum and Dad have split up, Mum kicked Dad out and now he's homeless. That would be hard for them to understand.
‘She kicked dad out’. Kids don’t think like that. As long as both adults continue to say ‘that’s not possible’ then they’ll understand. It’s a bit shit she let him stay At all because obviously kids are naive and would love dad to live there, but again, both parties telling the kids ‘that’s not possible’ is all it takes.
Are you all going to make your own post with your own suggestions or are you just happy pulling my words to bits and making something out of nothing?
Honestly can't believe how many people these days don't know how to absorb what they read. Like you just read something and get stuck on something that has very little to do with the overall picture. Like arguing over the colour of Red Riding Hoods cape. Do they still teach comprehension at school? I went to primary school in the 80's it was pretty big back then maybe they should bring it back.
Just stop enabling him to do all of this. Move him out, let him be a functioning adult and take the children so you can arrange your calendar and get your life in order to move forwards.
I think he has it to easy and your enabling him to not have to get a job. I think telling him he has 1-2 months to find a job and move out is something that needs to happen. You can’t possibly live like you are long term surely? Have a good think about how you would want things to be in 12 months time. Goodluck xxx
You're living thru guilt as he lives off you. Time to stop enabling . He's an ex for a reason. You can still co- parent from afar. I think you underestimate your kids . They won't hate you.
She doesn’t like the time she’s losing now with the kids just down stairs, if he leaves he’ll still continue to bribe them and she’ll lose even more time as they go and spend more time at dads.
I think suck it up. They are just down stairs and you said 3rd kid doesn’t want the dad, so spend time with said child.