Hey sisterhood,
I said my husband could sleep with another woman, which is actually ok with me. I chose her and okayed it.
But, he forgot to take condoms (he said it was because he thought nothing would happen anyway). She had none. They had sex that night twice without protection using withdrawal. He said he thought I'd be okay with it. I'd been strong about the absolute use of protection for many years.
I feel like because I didn't consent to no protection, I didn't concent to the whole thing. My husband thinks that's unfair because the act is the same, minus an important detail. He had sex with me on the same night.
I feel sexually abused, dishonoured. It has a rapey vibe but know it's not. I'm having problems putting my feelings into words. The closest thing I feel is like I've been stealthed, but I haven't.
How do I find help for this trauma?
32 Replies
He had sex 3 times in one night? Impressive.
I think he's right, you did consent to the whole thing but you're stuck on this. Could it be you've tried to force yourself to be ok with this and you're trying to find something to be angry and cheated about without because you can't be angry that he slept with someone else because you allowed it? Ask him to get checked for STIs before having sex with you again.
Uh yeah, you have. He had unprotected sex and then came home and passed it all on to you. Gross. And you have somehow allowed him to do it and are ok with knowing all these details, and STILL he can’t have the courtesy to treat you right or to BE HONEST. So gross.
So you're annoyed he had sex even though you allowed it but it's rape because he didn't use a condom with the other person? What?
She feels violated witch she has every right to feel. It's common-sense to use protection during sex. It's got nothing to do with an open relationship, but the fact he has put her life as risk. I have lost 80% of my cervix due to my partners unprotected sex with another woman during our relationship. He gave me an infection/desease that causes cancer because he was too stupid to get his dick wet
What disease causes cancer of the cervix ?
Human papillomavirus (HPV). It's one of the most common sexually transmitted viruses.
Wtf
This is just messy. You allowed him to sleep with someone and he can’t be held responsible for doing so. The heavy lifting to process and handle that is yours. In saying that a relationship is so much about communication and boundaries. If this is nothing new and something that you are truly OK with then that’s cool but if he knows your limits/boundaries on using protection (and made the choice not to use it regardless then he has breached your trust). If it is a grey area and no discussion was had then he has a pass there. I would 100% be getting tested for any STI’s and refrain until cleared.
I wouldn't be OK with my husband being with someone else.... but if I was, I would feel the same as you. He has knowingly put your life long health and possibly life expectancy at risk being fully aware that you had a clear expectation that he protected you from his. If you can move past this, and I couldn't, you will now need to use barrier protection with him from now on until you can both get tested in 6 months time.
There is legal precedent for him to be charged with sexual assault in this situation. That's why you feel violated. If he's exposed you to something like AIDS, there is also legal precedent for him to be charged with involuntary manslaughter or GBH. Your consent in this scenario was moot by him violating the agreement in place and intentionally deceiving you. He does not respect or care for you.
If this isn’t a bs post then you have bigger issues then unprotected sex.
I agree. I'm hoping this is a troll post.
He should understand, that not just pregnancy is a possibility, but also STI'S. When u sleep with some one, your sleeping with every one they've slept with.
My partner had an affair years ago. I got HPV, witch doesn't sound like much, but the strains I have, can lead to cancer, and iv lost 80% of my cervix because of it. His lack of protection is irresponsible, and you are totally in the right feeling violated. Iv never directly told my partner his affair caused this for me, I didn't have it before his affair.
I’m sorry this was your experience. How horrible that his choices caused you so much of an impact.
Ewwww what a complete and selfish prick! You allowed him to do this with all your trust and he has put you at risk! You have every right to feel this way. Learn your lesson from this and no longer let him be with other women. It’s filthy and totally betrayal to come back to you and put you at such a risk!
You help this trauma by getting rid of him yuk
Sorry, but I'm just curious, what do you mean by you chose her?
How did you even know she was interested in your husband?
Did he just rock up to her place with the intent of sleeping with her?
Sorry, I just find it a bit yukky that you and your husband decided/discussed beforehand that he would have sex with this woman, without her knowledge. It's like you both used her unknowingly for your sick little sex game. The fact you two had sex afterwards confirms this.
I'm sorry the sex didn't go as you "pre-planned" with your husband, but the only innocent party I see here is the woman unknowingly used as a pawn for you and your husband's sexual fantasies.
Reminds me of some Paul Bernado/Karla Homolka type shit
I think the use of the word trauma here is a little rich.
While I understand your feelings of disappointment. He either didn’t respect your boundaries or it was clear how firm you were on those boundaries.
Time to get STI’s checked and maybe move on.
This can't be serious, surely O.O
🤔
This is not abuse or rapey. If you're both having sex with other people then you should be wearing condoms when having sex together. That should be a given. If you've welcomed that lifestyle then take responsibility don't assume the other parties have done the right thing. I also don't think it's up to you to stipulate rules when it comes to how he sleeps with other women, that comes off as very controlling. Just my opinion, nobody should be controlling how another person has sex whether open relationship or not. If you don't like it then don't have an open relationship.
I feel like you're probably going to cop a lot of slack purely because of the circumstances and because of the language you've used.
If I look past all of that and if I look past my own opinions on the whole situation, while I don't think you're a completely unwitting victim in all of this, because i think there is a level of personal responsibility you need to take - I can see when it really comes down to it that you do have the right to be upset.
Ultimately, he has entirely disregarded your sexual health by disregarding his own! Whether that was a conscious choice on his part or maybe just a moment where his common sense vacated the premises I don't know. If he did come home with the intention of having unprotected sex with you after everything that had just transpired - that does add another problematic layer to this.
To be quite honest with you, I think you guys are probably going to need the help of a relationship counsellor in order to move forward (whatever that may look like) because this obviously isn't a black and white monogamous relationship but lines have been blurred.
Wow you chose a woman for him to sleep with, he had sex with her then you had sex woth him, now you decide toj aren't as comfortable with it as you thought so are looking to blame him. No condom is the least of your issues in the relationship. It's nothing to do woth rape, it's poor choices by everyone, but that's the thing about choices, you make them and you live with them.
He violated your trust and boundaries in your relationship but all sex was consensual. Please do not call this SA as a victim this is extremely offensive and upsetting.
So many people who don't understand the situation and its sad. Boundaries and rules are paramount in relationships of any kind. And these boundaries around an open relationship are more so. He violated those boundaries and rules. He knew them, he agreed to them and he didn't care. You did not consent to the situation. You consented to them having protected sex. That was the agreement and that didn't happen. What sort of moron doesn't take condoms with him, same goes for her. Why not just duck down the local service station for some. This sounds deliberate to me.
I'm not in an open or poly relationship and I can see why you feel the way you do and agree with you that this is a violation.
Go to your GP and get tested. Also counselling for yourself and as a couple. Also no more extra activities for either of you until this is sorted out. Fingers crossed for you.
Please go and get STD/STI test done and get him to do the same. I wouldn't be sleeping with him again he gets the all clear.
I would be really worried about a baby.
That was incredibly careless of him and her. I would feel the same way you do, sexually abused and scared you may have caught something. You gave him the terms and he abused them.
The trust would be gone for me
Your husband has clearly disrespected you and your boundaries.
You were absolute in him using protection and so if he didn’t have any condoms he should not have had sex with her. He should have had control over himself and he could have also drove to a service station or supermarket to go buy some. His excuse is invalid, childish and disrespectful.
You did not consent to him having unprotected sex with anyone else so 100% you are right in you did not consent to him sleeping with her under those conditions.
I would feel disgusted if my partner had unprotected sex with someone then came home and had unprotected sex with me.
I’d suggest having an open conversation with him about disrespecting your boundary and he has to be absolute in understanding your view and what he has done wrong.
Ask him how he’d feel if the situation was reversed. If you can’t move past it by talking with him you need to seek a councillor to work through this and see if you can move past his disrespect and over stepping your boundaries.
Extremely disrespectful of him to do this to you!
I am in the same position ATM with my partner engaging with a new couple. Protection is 100% clear boundary for me mainly for STD's cause I don't know who else they have slept with... is it the STD part or pregnancy part that bothers you most? if it's the STD part does he go down on her without protection?
This new couple wants no protection and I'm like, nope!
You approved of your husband having sex with another woman
WTF
And to make matters even more bat shit crazy
He forgot a franga
Oh dude what have I missed
You need more help than this site
Trust your instincts. What you’re feeling is valid. It’s really disappointing considering you’ve made an agreement together too. He’s an adult, he knows better. Sorry for all the judgemental comments. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your husband did and he knows it. Hope it’s all okay!
Trust your instincts. What you’re feeling is valid. It’s really disappointing considering you’ve made an agreement together too. He’s an adult, he knows better. Sorry for all the judgemental comments. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your husband did and he knows it. Hope it’s all okay!
Trust your instincts. What you’re feeling is valid. It’s really disappointing considering you’ve made an agreement together too. He’s an adult, he knows better. Sorry for all the judgemental comments. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your husband did and he knows it. Hope it’s all okay!