I don’t know how to express this properly. My partner is going away this weekend with 20 other male friends of his. I feel sick and my heart is pounding. I trust him with everything I have but I don’t know what I’m worried about exactly?
I want him to have fun but in the same breathe, I’m like Sunday night is so far away and he’s gone for such a long time - but it’s literally a weekend away.
I’ve made a pact with myself to write and journal my worries during this time to allow him to enjoy his weekend because he isn’t the issue, I am.
I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.
24 Replies
I think it's normal to feel like this. To not feel even the slightest bit of anxiety would mean you lacked feelings for them. So it shows you do love him and you have all these scenarios going through your head, which is OK. It's what we do with those feelings that matter and you're on the right track, maybe you could have some family or friends over for dinner to keep your mind occupied?
Really? I love my husband without exception, but I have no anxiety when he goes away unless my mental health is unstable. The rest of the time I'm excited for him to have time with the boys because it doesn't happen often. Whilst some anxiety is fine, I don't think a lack of anxiety is anything bad at all.
Yes!
That whole mindset of anxiety equals love/absence of anxiety equals a lack of care is a deeply unhealthy and inaccurate way of looking at anxiety!
Would you like me to call it worry then? We worry about people we love, we worry about losing people we love, we worry about losing people the same way we've lost other people. If I didn't care for someone, I wouldn't care where they were going or what they were doing. That's the whole thing with loving someone, you care about them. A lot of people say they don't care what their partner does and that to me shows there's a lack of love as you naturally should care about people close to you, it doesn't mean you act on it.
It's not the word. I don't worry about my husband being away for a few days either. Not unless he's doing something risky, or him leaving meant I or the kids were at risk. Do you worry when your hubby drives to the shops in case it's robbed or he's in a car crash? Probably not.... but you don't stop loving him
To not feel any anxiety = complete and total trust in your partner = healthy, secure, loving relationship.
I feel sorry for you if you think this is normal, even a little bit.
How old is he? Is he irresponsible? are his friends trustworthy. I can see how you would worry it’s a group of 20 guys going. They are easily led and eg each other on as in any group scenario. Why don’t you go with a friend and go away for the weekend? If he has given you no signs to worry about and you know deep down that you trust him then there is absolutely nothing to worry about and you should enjoy this time apart. It’s normal to have anxiety but you also need to learn to live your life and do separate things from each other. Do you think he will cheat or go to strip shows? You say you trust him but there is always that doubt on a boys trip. Speak to him about your anxiety and let him know how you feel and explain any fears.
I think a small niggly worry about "what if something bad happens" is probably normal, but full on anxiety isn't.
Is it the first time he's gone away without you?
Do you have trust issues?
Are his friends (or him) a bit of a dick when they're drunk, possibly getting into fights?
Do you have anxiety normally - maybe you're projecting a bit because you'll be home alone?
My partner & I go away without each other fairly regularly (a few times a year), we don't have a problem with it (other than the usual safety concerns) but we're also both shiftworkers, so we're used barely seeing each other some weeks because our shifts don't line up.
Some of my friends though, launch into huge anxiety attacks, and I genuinely think it's because they're just not comfortable with their usual routine being disrupted - OR they actually don't trust their partner. They say they 100% do - but not when it comes to the crunch. And that's just their own insecurities, they've never had reason not to trust them.
Whatever it is, bite your tongue, give him a kiss goodbye & tell him to have a great time.
Then freak out to your friends & don't tell him 🙂
It's jealousy
How?
Either it's your gut coming to the forefront, which you usually ignore but deep down know he's a cheater i.e. cognitive dissonance OR
You have a mental health problem such as anxiety, borderline personality disorder (fear of abandonment), low self-esteem, low self-worth, depression etc.
This is not normal in a safe, secure, loving relationship.
If he were going skiing down mountains and you were worried about his physical wellbeing, that would be normal.
I hope you figure it out lovely x
I wish people would stop saying it's not normal and you must have mental health issues if you feel this way about your guy going away with 20 male friends. It's normal. The change is how we deal with those feelings. If OP came on here saying she is not letting him go blah blah blah, then that would be wrong of her. She's not saying that, she's saying what she feels but she's not acting on it. I don't know if you've ever seen a large group of males together but I do nearly every weekend at work and they're crazy lol. Testosterone, excitement, alcohol and peer pressure are a bad mix. Not saying they all run off and do the wrong thing but if there's ever a time then that's it.
But it's not normal. Not if your husband is a good person and you are not co dependent.
Whatever someone does drunk is only a magnified verion of what they want to do sober.
A trustworthy guy in a loving/healthy relationship with someone he loves, isn't going to suddenly cheat because he's amongst a group of men.
Again, if you actually really do trust your partner, you won't have anxiety.
My husband went to visit a group of friends interstate and the thought never even entered my head that he would cheat. Not for a second.
It's. not. normal.
Gosh, that's no way to live. If there's no trust, you don't have a relationship.
So read OPs post again ... She has not said why she's feeling like this only that she does. She's not saying she doesn't trust him. She's not said he's going to cheat. It's completely ok for her to have feelings, stop trying to write her off as the crazed jealous gf.
Different commenter here.
Of course she can have feelings and no one should be assuming it's about cheating when it isnt specified that's the concern but OPs feelings are pretty intense, I mean, it's starting to affect her physically. As an anxiety sufferer myself, it pains me to see people pass this sort of extreme worry off as normal because it's not. It can actually be really debilitating and when people are told that this level of anxiety is normal, it can prevent them from seeking help!
OP- my advice. If you can't quite pinpoint a reasonable cause for your worry, do consider speaking to someone in a professional capacity. Anxiety can manifest in funny ways and there's absolutely no shame in getting some help to process difficult emotions.
I wrote the comment and I don't see the op as a crazed, jealous gf at all.
Agreed. We don't think she's nuts. We just recognise that the anxiety isn't warranted (by her own reflection) and that she there needs some help. Until I managed my anxiety, I didn't cope with this scenario either. In seeking treatment, scenarios like this stopped causing anxiety. My marriage was happier for it.
Yep, my husband goes away on week long driving/fishing holidays with his mates and I am not worried. I worry that he's safe on the road, but I have no anxiety about him going. I do feel that the normalising of co-dependence on this post from others is concerning.
It's not normal to feel sick and have your heart pounding at the thought of your partner going away for the weekend! At all!
Separation anxiety, it will get better the more he does this. But you have stated a reason either. Only you know what he’s like. Your gut may also be telling you something , listen to it.
There is something seriously wrong with you. You need to speak with a professional because this isn't normal.
He's allowed to have a life outside of the relationship! He's allowed to go away!
Seriously wrong with her? Where has she said she's not letting him go?
My husband doesn’t go away with friends but is often away for work.
I focus on the fun things I will do while he is away that I don’t normally do.
Like order uber eats and let the kids have breakfast for dinner 🤣
If he is going is os I also like to research things he can bring us back.