When to introduce new significant other into my kids’ lives?
Separated from kids’ dad 12mths ago after years of emotional, financial abuse and narcissistic personality. Legal proceedings a long way off being finalised.
Have been dating a beautiful human which I was friends with prior to separation. This human treats me well, is considerate, attentive, amazing. Have not gone too public with relationship to protect my children- mutual decision. Close friends know. Selective outings in public.
He himself is a wonderful single parent. Because we’ve known eachother prior to our relationship becoming romantic, our children are already friends- not to hang out but chat, sports etc due to similar ages.
When is the right time to tell my children? How do I?
We are serious, but respect each other’s boundaries, the time we have our children, separate houses, etc. Have been dating 6mths.
I am fearful that my kids will find out before I get to tell them.
Suggestions? Advice??
7 Replies
It’s a good time now. Tell them, but reassure them your priority is them and you will not be doing anything they are uncomfortable with.
Your kids have been through trauma so just because you are ready, doesn’t mean they are, so respect there reactions and if they express they need more time before they are ready for steps forward then respect that.
It sounds like you are already on the right path with handling this situation and as long as you keep on that path everything should work out.
When ever you feel the time is right. Maybe invite him out with you all together one day then slowly spend more time with each other and the kids together and tell them that way. Do some fun things all together. They will appreciate that mum has a good man to look after her and respects you and them. Just go with it when ever you feel it’s right. I’d say spend the day with everyone first , so they warm to the idea and aren’t shocked and you can pick up their vibes and how they react to him.
6 months
I would tell the kids now that you're dating someone, that is the kind of thing that you don't want them finding out from someone else. In saying that, I feel that it's really important that you don't rush into the introduction stage. There is no harm in waiting or at least keeping meetings very casual until you know this relationship is going somewhere!
When I was a child my dad would introduce us to his new girlfriends of 5 minutes, we'd get attached, they'd inevitably break up and us kids would never see these women again. I remember being particularly heartbroken after one instance because that women was more of a mother to us than our bio mum.
I'm also not about to say this is definitely the case with you, but so many women straight out of abusive relationships move forward too quickly with the first guy who shows them a modicum of respect. Red flags tend to get overlooked in these cases. Again, not at all suggesting this applies to you, I just think it's something to keep in the back of your mind.
Best of luck with it all and I hope the future brings you guys happiness 😊
This! My kids have had multiple women in and out of their lives at their father’s house, and all but one has had kids of her own. Neither my ex nor any of the women had any hesitation in introducing all the kids and having ‘sleep overs’ shortly after the introduction. Plus the women would start parenting my kids from the start instead of leaving it to their father. The best of the bunch was the one woman who didn’t have kids of her own.
6 months out of an abusive relationship and you've started a new one.
From experience op, being single is so important, its where you get to know yourself and build up your strength.
It's the time when you really gain your independence and show your kids you don't need a man and that you've got their back.
Also, remember, kids are affected by abusive relationships too, I would give them a breather, I wouldn't introduce him for a long while. I would let them know you have a casual friend you've started seeing, in case they hear anything from anyone else.
I can't express in words how valuable it is to your personal growth to be single and heal after a dv relationship.
Anyway, good luck with it all.
If you know about NPD, you know how amazing they can appear at the beginning, don't get sucked in, be cautious.
If other people know, I would be planning on telling the kids soon.
Tell them before your ex finds out and tells them first. It is always best coming from you