Hi sisters! I’ve been struggling with my teen boy, he is 18 in a few weeks. I have just got back from a 6 night holiday with my girlfriends. I spoke to my teen before I left and said, 1. No mates over, later agreed to one here and there but no sleepovers, 2. He asked for my car keys to move my car in and out of the garage so he could use the space, strange request, he only has his L’s, I said no, I’m not leaving you my car keys.
I got back yesterday and from then to now I’ve found out, he took the security cameras down (I have an abusive x; his father, who we are all afraid of, him especially! Those cameras are there for our security!), had a bunch of mates over, they slept in my daughters bed and on the very expensive new couch, both which are a big no nos, which he clearly knows, he found my spare key and drove my car out & he broke my money box and took all the money and spent it on party food, I have no idea how much was in there but it was a gift someone had gotten me!
I’m so very disappointed in him. He says my rules are stupid and make no sense. My home is my safe place and I don’t let many people come here at all! Not even many of my friends.
He has gone out and done the exact things I asked him not to. He is not remorseful whatsoever! Has not said sorry. Just keeps saying nothing bad happened so it’s all good. I’ve had ongoing issues with him for 3 years and I just don’t know if I can live with someone so disrespectful and stealing! Well that’s a new level! He is in counseling but no improvements as yet.
My question is - what consequences can I give to him? He is almost an adult! How do I continue to live with someone I cannot trust at all?! I just don’t know what he is going to do next! He is absolutely breaking my heart and he doesn’t think twice about doing it, over and over again.
16 Replies
I wouldn’t be leaving him home alone anymore. I’d be having grandma come and stay with him. If he can’t be trusted he gets a baby sitter.
He’s got a choice when he is 18 to move out if doesn’t like the rules
Your house your rules. Otherwise he can feel free to work and support himself in his own house. This isn’t a matter of rules. This is breaking the law. You can’t protect him if he thieves from someone else. That will be between him and police. He needs a serious wake up call. If he wants to do as he pleases I’d be telling him to move out. He won’t change because he simply doesn’t see the need to and thinks what he is doing is OK.
I honestly wouldn't even be mad at most of this. I have a 20, 18 and 17 year old at home and left them plenty of times and I think your rules are a bit ott. No sleeping on the lounge? What is going to happen to it? I leave money if they don't have their own (which they do now). The cameras he obviously turned off because he knew you would freak out, honestly if you weren't home you don't really need them on since they're for your safety? The car I would be annoyed with because he doesn't have his license but my kids are allowed to drive my car as they are licensed and I know they drive safely. My kids also ask me before they do anything so they would have asked me if it was ok to have friends, is it ok if I take money for takeaway, is it ok if I/my friend drives your car? These should be easy to ask from a 17 nearly 18 year old and because he didn't ask and try and hide it from you says that he knows you don't trust him, you treat him like a child. The fact is our kids are stuck at home longer now thanks to housing crisis and if we can't let them act as the young adults they are then when can they have friends over and have a bit of fun? If your house was respected as in not wrecked or trashed then I think you can trust your boy to have a bit of freedom.
I think you are on to something. Maybe your rules are strict because of the abuse/ anxiety, but it’s controlling and he’s 28 so to him that’s ‘stupid rules’
I think overall Doing whatever the f he wants is irritating, but it’s a cry for freedom. So the more you come down on him it’s the opposite of what he needs. As Op says, say yes and he would ask and not be naughty or in trouble in any way. I don’t think anything he did was super bad, did he drive the car or move it? I would ask him if he had a full driver with him and then ask him if he knows the consequences of that and how you won’t support him if he loses it in such a stupid way, he can public transport. I would tell him that he should have been able to ask you for things like a sleepover, or money for takeaway, and in hindsight you could have said yes and you see that you were a bit tight. But you are really upset about him smashing your money box.
I think if you give a bit you might see a more mature person come out and fix what he’s done. I hope anyway.
Yeah sorry he isn’t entitled to her money. Why isn’t he making his own? Gravy train as they say… it’s time to work stuff out for himself… he is stealing. That’s a law not some petty rule. He shouldn’t think that is ok and that he is entitled to her earned money 🤷♀️
No he shouldn't have stolen money BUT OP left a 17 year old home alone for 6 days, she should have transferred a bit of cash anyway. What if he needed to see a Dr? Emergency at home? Pet needed to go to the vet? He doesn't have a license so if any of these things happened he would need a taxi or Uber. If OP is not ready to treat him like an adult then she should have made sure he was set up at home. She's still financially responsible for him. He missed out on the holiday that everyone else went on I'm sure she could have spared him some cash to stay at home with. Not all 17 year olds can work if they are still going to school and have no licence or car and nobody to drive them, they also don't make a lot of money anyway unless they leave school and can work full time.
He does work but spends all his pay on takeaway and Uber eats in two days. I did load the freezer and did a big shop before I left and I also transferred him extra when he asked for it while I’m as away.
So wouldn’t be leaving him home alone again then. Overall I don’t think what he did was anything really wild or terrible. I would be mad about the disrespect of personal things like money box and car though. At 18 you can’t really discipline. You just let him know it’s hurt and disappointed you. Remember when you were kids and disappointing someone was so much worse than being in trouble? Take that tack.
I think you need to stop being mum for a minute and get on his level. Be open with him but cut back a bit and let him have a bit of a life so he doesn’t need to hide things. He was prob just trying to fit in with mates and have a bit of freedom. No excuses for being a thief though but sometimes we have to cut some slack and get on their level to understand them. It’s stressful this parenting gig!
Oh mumma. My heart goes out to you.
The lack of respect isn’t good and things you’ve worked hard for.
This was your break to come home refreshed :(
Sounds like there’s peer group pressure here. Is there any drugs involved?
Have you brutally told him what could have happened if he’d hurt someone, whilst driving?
I think an ‘adult to adult’ conversation is needed and instead of ‘telling him’, get him to put himself in your shoes.
Work out some compromise with it all.
Set some new boundaries, as he is older.
If he’s not prepared to change, then you need to say that he may need to move.
You’ve got to be ‘cruel to be kind’ sometimes.
I had a similar conversation with my young adult kids on the weekend and it worked wonders.
It’s pretty crappy that you feel your safe space has been invaded.
He probably felt pretty crappy that you left him home with so many restrictions while he felt you’d buggered off with your mates to have fun (which you are entirely entitled to do), and he was alone. If he’s afraid of his father, then he most likely wanted to have others around him, I’d hate to be left alone like that at his age.
There was a hell of a lot of no no no there which is a challenge to any teen. Treat him like an adult and try and see it from his point of view and have a discussion about It.
For the next 3 weeks, dont leave him alone. And after that he's 18, he either respects your rules or he moves out - his choice.
You left your 17 year old home alone for 6 days - what did you expect ?!?! Other than stealing which of course isn't great, all the rest is pretty normal teen behaviour. I think you should maybe rethink your own behaviour before you worry about consequences.
Nearly 18 and no friends over no parties no sleep overs, maybe he won’t break your rules if you didn’t set silly rules and treat him like an adult. Give him trust let him show you. Why do you get to go have a great week with friends and he has to sit at home alone or a friend here and there. If You are that worried about the ex and his safety wouldn’t you rather people with him and sleep over? I know I would. I’d make sure my kids had friends come stay if I was going away.
I would sit him down and let him know he has broken your trust and he needs to earn it back. For starters he needs to pay you back that money. If he is working then $20 a week until it’s paid back. Secondly from now on he is not allowed to be home alone. So if you’re going away he has to be babysat or go to a friends house. He needs to earn your trust back.
Remember teenagers make mistakes so make sure you’re not inflicting your trauma onto him. While he has made a mistake he is right in that no one was hurt. Let him know you understand how he is thinking but someone could have been hurt, he was irresponsible and broke your trust.
I nearly could have written this post myself. My son is 18 and has done all of the above in the past, including zero respect for my boundaries and taking the same laxidasical attitude towards breaking the boundaries. He's opened our money tin with a can opener and stolen our money with little care as well. We are currently away on a 4 week trip and have left him at home to look after the house and animals. He wasn't able to take time off work to join us, otherwise we'd have loved to have him tag along. We are 6 days in to our trip and he has taken down the internal camera because he "doesn't like being watched" which I can understand. He's had some mates over when I said just one. I deliberately didn't leave my car there, it's at my in laws, however he has his own so not a big issue. My in laws are checking in from time to time and he alternates each night staying at his girlfriend's or her at ours so he's never alone. We told him we'd send him $100 at the end of each week if he managed to keep the house in good order and animals alive (ha!), he is money driven so this seems to help. He's doing well so far, but I have immense Mummy guilt because I know he is really struggling without us. He told me he had a big meltdown after we left and he is sad, but coping OK now. I guess I'm telling you all this because I know exactly where you are coming from. It really really hurts when they go against our wishes, and it feels like we're losing control over them. We'll, we are. They are cutting their apron strings and striving for independence. I've found that the best way, for us, to deal with it is to sit back and watch from a distance. Set boundaries yes, as you would with anyone, but there has to be an adjustment in those boundaries as they get older too. My son needs to see that we are giving him some trust and independence, but he also knows we've got his back when he falls on his face. But they have to make those mistakes to learn natural consequences. One this I hate is when people respond with "he's 18, kick him out". He's still you're child and just because he's 18ndoesnt mean he's ready to move out. But it might mean he's ready for a shift in your relationship which you can't force, let him contribute to setting new boundaries so that you meet in the middle. He wants a sense of control too, not to be controlled. But it's bloody hard as a mum to do this when you're not ready. Good luck.