I won't beat around the bush - My almost 12 year old is a dobber.
It's causing a lot of friction with her siblings and with her school mates because it is always done with the intent to get someone in trouble. It's not that she means we'll, it's done done out of genuine concern. It's very clear she does it with an air of vindictiveness.
And let me be clear - these aren't serious issues that an adult absolutely must be told about, it's always minor things or things that have nothing to do with her. For example, she'll go tell duty teachers her friends aren't wearing hats if something in their game isnt going her way. She'll come tell me her teenaged brother has wet towels and dirty socks in his room despite having knowing full well she has 6 mouldy sandwiches stuffed in her wardrobe. I have seen her intentionally look for things her siblings and friends have done wrong so she can gleefully run off and tell on then.
"I'm gonna go tell mum" is like an annoying song stuck on repeat in my house, it's becoming really tiresome. It's been mentioned once or twice by some of her teachers as well.
I suspect this ties in with her complete inability to take accountability for her own actions or choices, if she gets told off for doing something or even calmly asked something like "did you spit toothpaste all over the bathroom sink", she'll cry, get defensive, throw a tantrum etc. She almost never admits to anything she's done wrong.
If she does, it's alongside excuses or how it was actually someone else's fault.
We have been working on this.
I have had so many kind and gentle chats with her about this.
I've explained the difference between dobbing and telling an adult about big problems.
I've given her examples of things she could probably just let go and things she needs to tell an adult.
I don't ever want her to feel like she can't talk to me or that I will dismiss her if she tells me things but I also want to teach her that the dobbing needs to stop, especially when it comes from this malicious place.
Any advice?
5 Replies
Make a sign? A visual checklist send her to check it first or send her back to check it. Am I telling because: - someone is in danger? Someone needs an adults help? - there is a fire or blood? - I want to get them in trouble - I don’t like something they’ve done
Can I: be a friend by reminding them of the rule. - help them follow a rule - talk about the real issue that got to me - worry about my own life first
My friend is a prep teacher and there's a big poster on the classroom wall about "telling a teacher" and it's something like "is someone hurt?" "is it dangerous?" "is it my business?"
Maybe have a google, I'm sure you'll find it or something similar.
I'd be responding to the dobbing with statements like "is that your business? How does it affect you?"
And I'd be trying to hook her up with some counselling re her own behavioural issues. There might be something else going on there.
Tell her straight that you don't want to know. Tell her to mind her own business.
I’m a teacher, has any of her educators ever mentioned ADHD or ASD? It presents very different in girls, often surfaces with anxiety, OCD and the need to please. Not saying this is the case but she may not know the social cues and could have learnt how to mask and copy others.
Have a google of ADHD and ASD in girls and see if she ticks any of the boxes. If she does then it may be worth a trip to a GP.
I have a co worker like this. Some people just like dobbing. She was apparently the same in school.