My partner has a long history of online cheating on just about every partner he has had. I caught him out, and we decided to try and work through things. Individual counseling, couples counseling, long discussions. He sometimes receives messages on his phone, which clearly triggers me, but he also admits it triggers him and he dreads receiving any text messages. This week he disconnected his phone and got a new number so no one from the past can contact him. Does this sound like someone who really wants to change? To me it does, but how do I really know. Can people change for the right one?
8 Replies
People can change but it’s not a success only journey, it’s hard work and takes a very long time to build on, and a lot of people find it too hard to sustain the behaviour change and give up.
He may be trying for now, but the chances of him being 100% successful and not back sliding at some point are slim.
The chances of you ever being able to relax enough and trust him are also extremely slim. This will always be a situation of waiting for the bomb to drop.
It's no way to live, you know deep down he's going to do it again.
He's shown you already that you are no different to the others, that you are not "the one", believe him.
My husband cheated 14 years ago again 8 years ago and just agin right now. I am closing this traumatic chapter if I had my time again I would of left the first time… I don’t think they change they just hide things better
No, making promised is much easier and the biggest problem for you is that he is deceptive - so you’re pretty much buggered knowing whether to believe him or whether he’s bullshitting and actually had just made a mess too big and needed to ditch the phone before he was sprung. I wouldn’t be the Guinea pig that’s for sure. Once is heartbreaking enough and enough of your time and investment.
My husband is not a cheater or a drug addict, but he does have some very bad habits/ addictions that he is trying to improve for me and our relationship. He falls off the wagon constantly. Overall he has improved over the past 10 years. But it does effect our relationship and I am constantly questioning what value he adds. He is disabled and we are in business together, so both of these things influence remaining together. So, yes people can change for the right one, but it is not "change done, issue removed" It is practice, practice... like starting a new sport or hobby, you are sh.. at first and with practice improve until you achieve excellence. The difference with personal relationships is you are living it. It is frustrating enough working, or playing sport, with someone who is learning, but living with them too can just be a step too far. Best of luck on your journey.
On a surface level, changing his phone number seems like "Oh he definitely must be changing" but it really is nothing more than a grand gesture or a promise.
Understand this - grand gestures and promises ARE NOT CHANGED BEHAVIOUR.
I can understand changing his number for a fresh start but if he's changing it to avoid being 'triggered' or to avoid temptation, he hasn't actually addressed the fundamental issue here. It has literally never been easier to reconnect with people from our pasts as well, so a new number doesn't actually guarantee that he won't/can't get back in touch with these women.
So, if you are triggered by every text message tone he gets, you have a long way to go in working on yourself. Concentrate on that.
To me, getting a new phone number is weird and a red flag. How many people was he talking to, that could randomly send him a message that would cause a fight with you????
Why can't he just show you the message and say "it's my brother" or "it's John from work"?
Having to change his number because you caught him makes me think there was a lot going on that you DIDN'T catch him at.
Also, getting a new number doesn't stop him from finding someone new online, or even going back to old flings. It seems to me like some big grand gesture that doesn't actually mean or prove anything.
So, he has a long history of it in past relationships..... now he has a history of it in your relationship.
IMO, if you were "the one", he wouldn't have done it at all.
"Working on things" after being caught doesn't mean shit. He's been caught before by other partners and didn't learn his lesson then, why would he learn it now?
It's like everyone who goes to jail "finds religion so now I'm a great person" when they're up for parole.
If he's such a super amazing person in every other way (which I'm sure you'd tell me....) then by all means work on it. But, once a cheater, always a cheater.
And now he knows that he can do it and you'll stick by him.
In the end, it all comes down to you, what you believe, whether you can trust him, and whether you choose to stay even though you'll always have that little niggle in your brain....
For god's sake, don't get pregnant.
My partner & I started as an online affair. He was "separated in the same house" and as far as he was concerned, his marriage was over.
We met up a few times but I refused to "date" him while he still lived with his wife. So he left. And she begged & pleaded for him to come back, promising the world; he wanted to give it one last chance, and was seriously worried for her mental health and their children. So he went back. I cut contact completely.
A year later he messaged me and said his marriage was definitely over, he had moved out, and could we meet up.
I gave him absolute hell for about 6 months, but he took it all & kept trying, so we started dating.
It's been 6 years & we're engaged with a child.
I trust him completely - BUT it will always play on my mind that we met online. He knows that.
We have a totally open phone policy - he purposely hands me his phone and walks away, so I can go through it if I want to (I did, for the first few years).
If one of us gets a message, whoever is closest to the phone will pick it up & read it out - that's a convenience thing - if one of us is busy or cooking or feeding baby etc, the other will just read out the message & type whatever response.
I think in your situation, suggest an open phone policy & see what he says.
Just randomly hand him your phone and ask for his. If he freaks out about you looking at his messages or internet activity, there's your answer.