I'll keep this as short as I can.
I've been with my husband for 5ish years, we started out as just friends with benefits and the love grew from there. When we changed the rules to be exlusive there were of instances of him being unfaithful. Two physical and two via texting. We worked through these and were very happy. Fast forward from the last instance and we have been married for just under a year. Still very happy and no more cheating... until I had to use his phone for flybys... he had been sexting another women...
Im at a loss. Nothing has ever hurt like this before. He's apologised but im starting to belive he enjoys the "rush" you get from being unfaithful.. what do I do? I've looked into couples counselling but apart from this our relationship seemed so healthy.. where do start? Please help
9 Replies
I think you can come back from cheating - if the person who cheated makes a commitment to change and is open and honest and you work on healing the relationship. While him cheating is not your fault, if there's unmet needs in a relationship, it can be a factor in cheating.
In your case, you have to think hard about your options. You have forgiven 3 instances and he's violated the boundaries again at least once that you know of. Can you truly move forward as a couple, or will you always be wondering "When's he going to do it again?" If couples counselling isn't for you (and if you can, I recommend giving it a go) then do some therapy on your own. If you let it go, he's going to keep crossing this line.
It’s a No from me
I think you can come back from cheating, but this isn’t a one off, he’s a serial cheater, I wouldn’t waste my time giving him another chance.
Sounds like he's never intended on giving up the freedom of the original fwb arrangement.
Some people are like that, they want the best of both worlds.
It was only healthy because you didn't know what was going on behind your back.
I bet you've only scratched the surface.
You deserve so much better lovely lady x
Maybe if he had done it once I'd give it a go but he's done it several times now. If you stay you're just basically telling him you'll put up with it and he'll keep doing it. Don't put yourself through that.
Cheating at all is a hard no from me. I know that there are people who have chosen to stay & recovered from it, but I personally would never be able to trust them again.
Especially since in your case, it's repeated.
He did it a few times, got caught, you sorted through it; and now he's done it again. And this is only the time you know about.
I agree he's probably addicted to the rush; so how can you ever know he won't do it again???
It's entirely your choice as to what happens next, of course; just understand that he is proving to you that cheating is a part of who he is.
If you're willing to put up with that in your marriage, your choice, and no judgement.
But that IS a choice you need to make.
He won't stop. So by staying, you're giving implied permission for it to continue.
In my own personal experience no.
I forgave 7 years ago now. You know what, we are still together but I have so little respect and trust it makes our relationship hard on my end. He's a sweep things under the rug kind person and I'm a let's fight it out until it's resolved. He actually has no idea how I feel now. Because we don't bring up anything from the past - it was 7 years ago. We have young kids so I just focus on them and give him attention when he requests it but on the inside I'm dying. Despite me feeling how I feel, we do get along famously. Enjoy the same things. But if I had my time again, I would have ended it immediately and gave myself all the love and respect I deserve. I love this man but he funked up. More than once. I should have ended it. I've left it too late to bring up now though. When my kids get a bit older, I'll be focusing on myself so much more.
Do with this instance it makes 4 times he has been unfaithful. He is displaying a pattern of behaviour that shows you who he really is. Time for you to beleive him and make a decision on if you are ok with being continually disrespected or if you want more out of life.
You need counselling for your self to work our why you are staying and letting yourself be treated like crap. Couples counselling with a serial cheater is a waste of time. He will just apologise and make promises he doesn't intend to keep. Just like he did last time. I dont think there is any coming back from this.
I cheated once, at the 3yr mark. we moved on and had 15yrs together, 2 kids...... and then he decided he'd go fk someone else for 6m and leave me hanging whilst on a "break". I didn't even think of straying after my fuck up. I like to think you can change if it's only once. but he sounds like a serial cheat so hard pass from me