Hi all! I am after some advice on my teen.
Thanku š
1. What time do you expect your teen around 15 yrs old to have lights out?
2. What are your expectations around devices at night eg I ask for phone at about 8-8:30 to be in my bedroom.
3. Do you check your teens device/s or do you think that is an invasion of privacy?
4. How have you handled inappropriate content found being viewed?
First teen here (have also a near 12 yr old and little 3.5 yr old) and it's really not all fun at present š Trying to manage all needs but feeling not receiving the respect I deserve or our rules being followed (without nagging/being upset) Teen is not a bad kid, does very well in school but isn't mixing with us as a family unless made to or for food (of course!) Just hangs in room. Have tried to offer an ear, say here for whatever you need but told it's not anything I can help with. It's a worry š Why can't this parenting gig be easier š Thanks again!
7 Replies
Youāve described pretty typical teen behaviour. They donāt tend to do a lot of family stuff at this age. Pick your battles about what you expect to do. Meals together great, awesome. But they are unlikely to want to hang out with a 12 and 3 year old.
Bed time, depends on how good they are about getting themselves up to school etc themselves. If they are in there room, being quiet and can get themselves up in the morning I wouldnāt make a thing of bedtime. If they arenāt getting up and constantly tired then Iād insist for 10:30 latest.
Phones, what sort of inappropriate content? Porn? Sharing nudes? I need more detail on that one.
As far as checking phones, if they have proven to be safe with the phone then I checked it less and less often. First access to phone gets checked nightly, and gradually as theyāve proven to be safe thatās been stretched out until random checks until that stops. Depends on the teenagers skills etc.
My teen is a little younger but he goes to bed 10-10.30pm and gets up at 7.45am for school. Has phone until 10pm weeknights as I used to do the 9pm cut off but all his mates used to send texts etc up until 10ish.
My teen also does well at school, plays outside sports and does go bike riding with his mates on weekends. We haven't put a limit on tech as long as he is being active. He prefers to hang in his room also. Very typical teen behaviour. We do try and watch a family movie or a footy match or something he enjoys altogether once a week. He does often go outside and shoot hoops with his younher brother.
I do check his devices every now and then but he knows, it's not a secret. Also teens use snap chat alot so messages/pictures disappear. So far we haven't found anything inappropriate luckily.
My 15yo has to bring her phone out at 10.30pm as she isn't home most nights until 9pm from activities. She gets up at 7.30. Phone goes in the kitchen for charging.
No phone in room for an hour on study days.
It sounds laye but Teens body clocks are a few hours behind ours and in a couple of years they change back to earlier times.
As for checking, it's known that they may have checks periodically but that's rare as I have no concerns.
Mine also takes dinner to her room and doesn't join us much, that's normal teen behaviour
My 15yo has to bring her phone out at 10.30pm as she isn't home most nights until 9pm from activities. She gets up at 7.30. Phone goes in the kitchen for charging.
No phone in room for an hour on study days.
It sounds laye but Teens body clocks are a few hours behind ours and in a couple of years they change back to earlier times.
As for checking, it's known that they may have checks periodically but that's rare as I have no concerns.
Mine also takes dinner to her room and doesn't join us much, that's normal teen behaviour
Is the teen a boy or girl? My mum used to take me on one on one days at that age and we would go shopping or something like that. If itās a boy can they do something with you or hubby that they would consider fun? I think at that age hanging out as a family was mostly on hold. Canāt even remember why I didnāt want to hang out with all of them. Lol. Maybe switch the wifi off at a certain time for the internet issues?
Honestly. Thatās typical teen behaviour. My sons nearing 18 and still is a hermit š . Only āhangsā out for food, when we see family or to do his chores. It might be your only opportunity to give him a bear hug lol.
The phone rules donāt apply much anymore As heās practically an adult and has proven himself. Plus heās in TAFE and working.
When he was 15.
1A: 8:30-9pm. Latest. My son has always needed (even now) 8+ hrs to fully function š. He would get himself up by 6:30am and get himself to school. I would already be at work. He got his first mobile at 12.
2A: Iāve always trusted my son and he has proved from an early age that I can do so. Device would charge on his bedside table.
Iāve only needed to threaten him Iād remove his phone from the bedroom if he uses it whilst heās meant to be sleeping only a handful of times.
3A: Absolutely no. How can we demand respect if we are invading theirs. Respect and trust is shown. We are the example for them. I feel itās important to bring up conversations about Porn, cyber scams, sharing nudity, bullying and so on. That way they can be well informed and it then is their decision to make the right one.
We do share the same Google history if I want to really know but how boring as majority would be YouTube videos of other people playing video games š š„±
4A: Well. Answer 3. I personally wouldnāt be looking through their content. Instead education them about the cyber world. But let me prepare you because from my experience āthey already knowā š. I remember having a D&M with my son about Porn and how unrealistic it is compared to sex in the real world. I said sure itās fun to watch and enjoy but separating real sex to fantasy is very important. The sex you see is going to be different from the sex you have. With that subject I then gave him further content about safe sex, STD, pregnancy (re the other party), respect to yourself and the other person, setting boundaries, etc.
Do you happen to be friends with his friends parents? It could potentially be your door to see if anything like bullying etc is being conflicted to your child. And tred carefully but take action with of course your childās knowledge. If itās just a normal teen day or about person heās keen on just keep assuring him you will always be here to listen and your opinion will only be given if he asks.
I Assure you. Him being a hermit is 1000000% normal for teenagers. Gosh I did the same thing. Parents are lame at that age and with the technology we have now he continues his friendships through there.
Maybe once a month or fortnight dedicate a day or a few hours and do something together 1:1. With my son we; go to an amusement park, have breakfast for lunch, movies of his choice, sushi train, get some new kicks, check out the gaming computer store and he lets me know for future reference what he has his eye on. You know. This way it gives you both together time. Your doing exactly what theyāre interested in. I personally wouldnāt talk much about his personal life at the beginning because I can guarantee you he will open up to you when he is ready to. Teenagers are know it alls and they think us āadultsā have no idea lol. Little do they know.
Raising teenagers is honestly a tough gig. Iāve been super blessed my teenager is a good kid but his moods are next level. Soooo moody. I find picking your battles important. And pick them carefully. Because something are just not that worth fighting over. Teenagers like negotiating. Most the time I just put an idea out there and leave it alone. He will either come back to me and go for it or negotiate it. You know itās all about allowing them to make decisions and allowing them to have somewhat control. Negations are a brilliant thing with teens šš¼
My teen is only 13.5 but her phone stays in the lounge room we use to allow it in the bedroom during the day but stopped due to her searching inappropriate things, she isn't allowed it in her bedroom unless I say so for an alarm but this is very rare, bed time is 930-10 Sunday - Thursday, Friday Saturday she can stay up as long as she doesn't take her over tired moods out on everyone.