Ok, this might be a bit of a long one, I guess I want to know if I’m overreacting or not,
I’ve just found and disposed of another bong belonging to my partner. He knows I don’t want implements in the house, it is our children’s home and I don’t believe there should ever be a chance they will find this stuff ( it wasn’t well hidden). I know he likes to get high to relax, I naively thought it was a very occasional thing rolled in a joint but it looks like it’s back to a daily thing. He’s angry at me because “I don’t let him just live his life”, I’m angry at him because we’ve had this same fight on and off for 6 years now, and I recently asked him if there was a bong in the shed cause it stank and he has lied and said no. He said he has to lie or I’ll keep trying to control him. I think he has no respect for my boundaries and is choosing this over his family.
A bit of back story, 6 years ago it was harder drugs and when I found them I asked him to move out. He lived elsewhere for nearly 12 months then told me he’d changed and wouldn’t do that at all anymore and would keep anything else (weed) away from the kids. He said he wanted to be at home with the kids and has been living with us since.
He also has been diagnosed with COPD, and said years ago he’d quite smoking so his lungs don’t get worse and so he could be here for his kids in the future, last he promised he’d quite before our youngest was born. Youngest is now 2.5, and as well as the bong there were so many cigarette butts and empty packets hidden, so he obviously hasn’t quite smoking cigs or weed. I’ve tried to compromise over the years and suggested he bake brownies so he can have the occasional relax without wrecking his lungs more.
I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m tired of having the same fight. Should I just be thankful it’s not harder drugs and let it slide, or stick to my boundaries about not in the family home? Any advice welcome.
18 Replies
Don't compromise on your boundaries. Even though it's not harder drugs, it's that he's lying and doing it in spite of your feelings about it (being your family home and not wanting it near your kids).
Tell him he can go "live his life" elsewhere.
He’s a stoner. He wants a shed with a bong in it. You have to decide if you’re happy for him to be a stoner and if not you should part ways.
I’ve lived with a stoner so I’m not saying it lightly, Id never ever do it again, but you’ll never change them and you’re wasting your time staying if you’re not happy with it.
6 years is a long time to have the same arguments…
COPD Is also progressive and will
Only get worse and it concerns me that he isn’t taking it seriously.
It’s either time to end the fight, or be prepared for it to continue. I personally won’t allow it in my house or in my space, each person is different
I once had a stoner boyfriend at 19, I couldn't stand it so I dumped him and we didn't even live together.
He always had little foil packages in the car and I wondered what would happen if the police pulled us over.
Would I have been charged?
He also drove stoned a lot.
He also had very little motivation, like he had a job but no ambition to get head, just cared where his next bud was coming from.
I personally couldn't be with someone like that.
I don't know how you have the patience for it.
Has he thought about getting it medicinally? Like with all medications, it needs to be stored and taken appropriately and safely.
With COPD I would suggest he use a flower vape at the very most to smoke it though
Geez don’t just be thankful, it’s only that, that’s ridiculous. You are teaching your kids it’s ok it could be something worse. You are right and I think you prob shouldn’t have let him move back in.he’s moved back in, based on lying to you. Stand up now & show him and your kids, this is not ok. He will prob be on other stuff too that he is hiding.
I had a boyfriend like that once. Weed became such a priority for him that it wasn't a relaxing puff of a joint after a hard day at work...it was him waking up, going out to the shed to get stoned before work. It was him getting agitated and nasty if he couldn't get weed. It was walking on egg shells 24/7. It was him putting it first financially. It was shit. I kicked his stoner arse out after 12 months. Best thing I did.
My sister in law very well nearly lost custody of her children due to her husband's weed addiction.
I won't go into the details but after seeing what they went through, trust me when I say you do not want that for yourself or your kids!
And all it takes for it to get to that point is a neighbour who's sick of bong smoke wafting into their yard...
Not only that, your children are actually watching him slowly kill himself.
Continuing to smoke knowing he has COPD is like knocking back shots despite being in liver failure.
That is chronically self destructive and it really shows the level of dependency he has, because his need for pot takes precedence over preserving whatever lung function he has left and it takes precedence over the fact that his family will most likely put him into an early grave if he continues this way!
Sure, it could be worse but Hun, it could also be a hell of a lot better. I think deep down you know it's time to make this situation better.
No, No, No! It wouldn’t be around my kids at all in any manner. That is not OK. Stand firm on that. He’s a dirty liar and a sneak about it too. That is not OK. Then he justifies his lies because “you’re controlling”? He is using manipulation and it’s 100% time to take the reigns here and if he doesn’t like it he needs to go “live his life” somewhere else…
My ex was on harder stuff at one point too, that ended our relationship and likewise I took him back when he got off that and was ‘only’ on weed.
Needless to say we separated again soon after (over 12 mths now) because the weed basically became a substitute for the harder stuff.
The ending formally came when he wasn’t watching our son properly, because he was high, and our son slipped and fell into a friends swimming pool right next to his dad (dads back was turned and he was in the water) my son went in right next to dad and I was able to see it happen, move (a few steps away), jump into the pool, get my son and remove him from the water all before his dad even registered our son had fallen right next to him.
He said I over reacted and he would have ‘noticed’ he fell, but I say he under reacted and took my child and left that day.
So that’s kinda my advise…. What’s a child’s life worth of the worst was to happen and you needed him to react
What? Of corse you are going to react quicker to something you saw over not seeing it. There's been lots of studies done on reaction times for sight vs hearing. Being high literally has no baring on that situation. At a party when a child falls in the pool, is everyone who didn't react the quickest assumably high and a negligent parent?
My tolerance for illicit drugs is zero. My tolerance for legal/prescribed drugs us based on whether it impacts on them n negatively
I live with someone who was just likes to have a smoke in the afternoon, and it was all chill until there wasn't any at home, or he was stressed, or he was an adult and want to do his thing, it natural bla bla bla. I have this person an ultimatum, our family or weed. I didn't give a fu!k what he chose but it ended that day. He got clean (it was a super shitty process) it was hard but our lives are so much better, we can be out , on holidays whatever and ther is no time bomb waiting to go off. You don't have to stay, it's not okay with kids. Never let him drive with the kids or anyone in the car. My observation is most play with this stuff as a break from reality, i think my person has ADHD so weed calmed the mind, he sometimes says he would like just one go, i reminded him that's not an option and has now taken up exercise as a way to work his body. Keep your boundaries stick to your guns and take your path, let him have his shitty path. Make sure you have this documented when you go through custody so he never drives with your babies high. Good luck you will be free for being true to yourself
You are being controlling.
I’m no way into drugs at all. I too would have rules around my children and myself. He is a grown man you can’t tell him to quit smoking or drugs. Smoking I can handle but drugs I don’t like at all. The more you control him the more he will hide it and lie about it.
By you controlling him and telling him to quit it is not his decision. It needs to be his decision for him to be able quit. Maybe try and help him instead of controlling him. Do your research.. it’s an addiction. You can’t just give up because someone tells you too. Ask him if he wants to give it up.. if yes.. help him seek ways of helping make it happen. He’s probably doing more drugs because you are on his back. Stress relief. Ease up and work with him.. don’t push him.
My father was/still is a weed smoker. 7 out of 7 kids hate the stuff. We all may have experimented but none of us can stand it.
We all knew growing up. It is hard to hid.
The horrible smell, his always red eyes and his abusive moods when he didn't have the money to buy more.
We never had friends stay over, it was horrible. I would not have weed in house now or ever and I never want it around my children.
Speaking from experience
He will never change
Life is to short to settle for unhappiness
There are plenty of nice people out there who are not drug users and liars
Separate
Let him live the live he wants and you live the life you deserve
No you don't be thankful for anything, drugs are drugs, you set your boundaries and he doesn't care. Soft drugs, hard drugs, no its just drugs. I've been there living with that and its an excuse for everything, you and your children deserve better.
Oh this post frustrates me on so many levels.
You are trying to control him. When you say you’ve had the conversation for 6 years now. It sounds like it’s you barking at him to quit and he goes along with it. I get why he hides it. He doesn’t want to give up. You need to work together and stop barking orders at him. Addiction is a real thing.
You need to work out why he smokes and does drugs in order for him to stop. It’s not just a matter of you saying jump and him saying how high?