How do you start dating after a miserable violent marriage? It’s not like I can put a note in the paper: overweight, broke, timid forty year old woman seeks companion who will listen to her talk and hold her when she cries and not abuse her for existing. Non-smoker preferred. Must be good with special needs kids. Ideal intimacy frequency twice a week.
7 Replies
Just going by the way you describe yourself - you are not ready to date. Concentrate on you. Build your confidence. Find you again, join groups, change whatever needs changing in your life. If you put yourself out there now you put yourself at risk of getting into another shitty relationship because your standards simply aren't high enough and that is because of your self esteem. I was single for 5 years after breaking up with my abusive ex, I really needed to just focus on myself and my kids and I'm so glad I did!
Start by getting therapy for yourself (if you haven’t started already). Do things you enjoy, and start rebuilding your confidence.
Then start dating, not for a relationship, but to practice talking to people in a safe way. Meet them for coffee, take it super slow. Learn to to look for red flags, and learn to set hard boundaries and maintain them.
Take your time.
You don't.
You start again by focusing on yourself until your personal narrative is positive - like confident, independent, sexy. You can be those things, you are worthy of someone who sees you like that. But you won't attract someone who thinks that while you don't. You're in danger of attracting someone just like your ex & being abused again.
Address the things you dislike most - get fit, find a hobby, maybe a counsellor that will help change your thinking. Study towards a better career or find a new job. Whatever YOU need. Find new things to do with your kids. Be independent. Be you. I bet you'll find you're awesome & you might not even want a partner anymore!
I started hooking up first, found it really helped me to get some confidence back and feel like my old self, without having to tackle all those emotional issues and the worst part of showing someone the shit show that is your life. Honestly it’s been years and each year I’ve felt like it’s a bit less of a shitshow and that I have more to offer if I was to let someone see it all. And now here I am considering just how much I want to offer, how much time and energy I can give and what he would have to bring to make it worth my while and an improvement on things as they are - honestly if you’re only hoping someone will accept it then you’re setting yourself up for accepting anything and it won’t be anything good.
Love this lol my life is a shit show too :)
I think you should change your add.
40 year old resilient mother to (insert amount of children) amazing neuodivergant children. Looking for a man that does not smokes, can match my sense of humour!!
Alternatively you can focus on yourself until you believe all the things I said above to be true. Then you won’t let someone in that abuses you. You’ll know the flags and you’ll know your worth.
Thanks dear