Am I wrong for telling my husband his work is making the family miserable?
Background - husband and I have 3 children age 2-6. I work part time at a great rate and hubby works full time night shift making great money.
My husband has been working nightshift for a company for about 8 months now. He has been with the company for years but 8 months ago a new role and a new night shift opened up and he was asked to run it. He agreed. Working Sunday - Thursday 4pm-2am (he actually finishes at about 5am most mornings by the time he solves issues through out the shift). We live an hour away from this job too, meaning he leaves at 3pm and is home often at 6am. I would have no issue with this, if when he was home from work, he was actually home from work. Instead he is answers calls from the boss yelling at him, answering messages, overwhelmingly stressed and unable to sleep. By the end of the week his so exhausted physically and emotionally he spends Friday and Saturday sleeping instead of being with the family. Then if we are lucky and his not needed in early on a Sunday we will get a few hours to have lunch together as a family, beyond that we will see each other maybe 4 hours through out the week. Which means all responsibilities of the house running, the kids, extra curricular activities etc etc all fall on me. I mean in every single way. My husband won't even wash a dish or put on a load of laundry now. While I already work 27 hours a week and have 2 or the children home 2 days a week.
For me and the kids this is all exhausting. I feel unsupported and made to feel I just need to suck it up. Yes financially it's great but what's the point when my husband is miserable, my kids miss there dad and I miss my husband. My husband's mood is so down all the time it affects all of us, even when I try not to let it. Before he took the role we were financially very comfortable already, we could go back down to his previous salary with no concerns, as I have had a significant payrise recently.
After my husband staritng his day again with the first words after he woke up not "good morning babe" or anything about us or the kids or me but about work and what's happening at work, I snapped. I told him if work was making him this miserable how did he think we all felt? I never see him anymore and even when his home his not here because his so stressed. I told him me and the kids miss him and I haven't seen him happy or energetic in months. I told him we don't need the money if this role is making our family so miserable. He yelled and called me ungrateful for the sacrifice he makes and unsupportive of him. Which really felt like a slap in the face considering I wash his work clothes make him fresh dinner every night to take and organise his snacks for work because if I didn't he would just go to work in dirty clothes and hungry. I have my own money and do not rely regularly on his in my day to day life. We fortunately own our house out right after i received an inheritance last year. while my husband's finances contribute hugely to our family running comfortably, I don't think it's fair that everything else is falling on me, this isn't what I signed up for or what we discussed when he took this role.
AITA?
3 Replies
Something has definitely got to give, the guy is effectively working 15 hour days if you include travel (and we do include travel as being "at work" even though technically it's usually not). Then he has about 9 hours at home where he's supposed to be sleeping but it does take a while to wind down, plus having young kids wouldn't make day sleeping easy. Then eating, showering. You should be saying something but maybe your approach came off as a little selfish to him as you've said how it all affects you without too much thought into how this is all affecting him. How it affects you and the kids is important but he has basically been living for work for the last 8 months and probably feels a bit undervalued for the effort he's put in especially since he's not getting any appreciation from his boss. Tell him he deserves better, show him other jobs he could apply for that have a similar income but better hours for families and tell him how things would improve if he changed jobs.
Nope. There is an impact on you here, it’s pretty huge and it’s ok to say this can’t go on. Spend the money on cleaning and deliveries and laundry and childcare so you can’t spend your time together and enjoy a bit more
I would try and approach it without the anger. Maybe message him how you’re feeling and how much you miss him and love him.
We just recently moved states. We can survive off my wage and it allowed my husband to think about what he wants to do and take a few months off. The change is amazing. We’re both much happier.
Let him know how much it is affecting you and how much you miss him and him being happy. Let him know he can quit and everything will be fine. Give him permission to not be the income earner. Flip the roles for a while. My husband supported me through uni and then my degree had allowed me to earn significantly more than he was so now it’s his turn to do what he wants to and I support the family.
Good luck, it’s a hard situation