Its recently been brought to my attention that some parents believe that kids bring bullying on themselves by being "different" or "weird"...
I was talking to a group of parents about a young teen in my daughter's year level who who was being bullied by others and another parent piped up "yeah but she is a bit different". When I questioned her on what that even means she said her daughter told her the girl always talks about an anime show and wears socks past her knees and has a my little pony backpack and she draws attention to herself by deliberately dressing differently.
I couldn't believe the attitude I was hearing!
So it made me wonder how many other parents actually believe that kids bring bullying upon themselves by not following the trends or who dare to stand out and be themselves.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
11 Replies
That is why bullying is so hard to stop, it starts with the parents. Kids that are different are lucky today though as they usually can find a tribe, if it's not at school it's online and that helps them feel less alone. Anime is huge with kids today and there's plenty that like to dress differently. I don't know this girl but I'm proud that she's still doing her own thing despite the bullying. She will grow to be an amazing adult that everyone will want to know.
This attitude incenses me! Imagine thinking a child is responsible for being bullied because they have a sense of individuality!
It's also not true either because I can remember some kids I went to school with tried so hard to follow all the fads and trends just so they could fit in, only to be bullied mercilessly for being "wannabes".
Bullying is never justifiable.
I think that some parents and people believe this. I don’t.
As the victim in high school, I was bullied for a variety of reasons. A lot of them were out of my control (bigger breast size, having a special skill). I’m sure there are people who thought I deserved it for being good at something and not ‘hiding’ my breasts. I also believe if I’d miraculously changed those things the bullies would have just moved on to another topic.
I think the ultimate thing with individualism is you do it to feel like ‘you’ or to be different.
So obviously you will get attention with that look. That’s bound to happen. That person is different from the pack.
Does bullying someone for their look mean it’s right? No. But that’s why it happens, usually a pack of people or a person trying to fit in with a pack of peers pick on the weakest member to show superiority.
It happens in the animal kingdom, and it happens here.
The best we can do as humans is to educate that just because someone is different doesn’t mean we can bully them. That human is still a human with needs and emotions and empathy.
I was bullied through out school when i just wanted to fit in. By the my mom thought i needed to make an effort to fit in at 12, i had given up. I had no friends, was vulnerable and lonely. I went online when chatrooms were a thing and was victimized by pedophiles.
Parents need to remember that different kids are vulnerable and bullying makes it worse. So victimizing vulnerable children creates a vacuum and a cycle of violence.
Your example of parents is what makes my blood run cold.
When I was 13, my best friend wasn't allowed to be friends with me anymore because her mum didn't like my expression of individuality (I wore a lot of black). Her mum said I'd drag her daughter down and she needed to find a more popular group of friends.... I was heartbroken.
Fast forward 22 years, I ran into this said mum in my old home town upon a visit. She remembered me immediately
I took great delight in striking up a conversation with her, telling her about my wonderful career, husband, children and property. She was extremely uncomfortable.
I wanted to highlight to her the expression of individuallity of a 13 year old child did not deserve her judgement and I grew up to be a successful and wonderful women...who btw, is somewhat quite comfortable in her own skin. 🤣
She probably didn't reflect on her behaviour over 2 decades ago but it made me feel better.
There are children who lack social interaction skills so badly that you can have a whole class ready to give them their hundredth chance and within 2 minutes they will be bickering and upsetting every body.
And even then, do they bring bullying on themselves? No. You have to tell your child they are responsible for their own behaviour and they had better be better than to bully anyone. Especially for being different or having a weird hobby or out there fashion sense. I tell my kids those free thinkers are the fabulous ones, I have a soft spot for them. You don’t have to like what they like or even like them, just leave them to do their thing.
Kids don't 'bring it on themselves' by being the odd one out... but it is more likely that they will either be viewed as a trend setter or uncool. As a parent of kids that are into anime etc, I've spent a lot of time encouraging my children to be aware of being able to hold conversations with a variety of people and not only be able to converse with people who have the same, specific interests that they do.
And I think it doesn't hurt to be aware of developmental norms. E.g. my son is ASD and when he really freaks out, cuddling a soft toy helps. But he's too old for a teddy at school. I line his school pockets with teddy material so he can calm himself down without drawing attention.
Unconditional tolerance and acceptance are ideal, but people aren't always ideal. Life is happier if you find your people... but being able to engage with others that aren't the same as you is an important life skill
This attitude is just beyond ridiculous. A children's appearance, interests and beliefs are NOT an open invitation to bullying. This is just disgusting and doesn't help with systemic bullying in schools. Sporty kids, academic kids, popular kids etc all can and do get bullied.
We want our kids to be nice and not pick on other children, but yet it starts at home with the parents!!
Good Lord. That makes my blood boil!!
You are at a crossroads - either stand up to this attitude and correct them, or find better friends!
Seriously - this person is everything wrong g with the world.
Yes and no sometimes my kids say stuff they shouldn't which leads to bullying them but it also comes down to how they communicate with others as asd adhd kids they lack some stuff around social and communication so I say yes and no cause sometimes they know what they are saying and sometimes not have a clue also not everyone teaches kids to accept people for who they are or find out why they said or did something or if their is an issue most kids want go straight to the person to ask them if they said something or sort out issues it becomes a Web with lots of people involved I belieave teaching our kids to communicate directly to the person they hear others say that that person said about them or ask then why they don't like them yes they are kids but it's never to early to start teaching kids a mature way to deal with issues