Need some clarity on seeing “the other side” …
Partner and I have been together coming up 10 years, kids and all. Finally set a date to get married, gave everyone 12 months notice as wedding is in a remote part of country so planning and saving need to be done. It’s nearing the date and pretty much all partners family have said they can’t make it due to differing reasons - medical reasons, business reasons, expense reasons (not the no money, just more the cost will take a chunk out of bank). Now, partner and I are upset and a little angry about this as his family have been the ones asking when they get to celebrate a wedding and have been talking about coming up for the last 10/11 months now all of a sudden - nope. What they have proposed instead is that they bring us closer to them to celebrate at a later date, however that doesn’t work for us as we are taking 3 weeks off soon for the wedding and we both work full time so can’t leave and take time off later on when they’re suddenly available. Not to mention it’s not our wedding at a later date so won’t be the same. AITA for being upset and feeling like our wedding is not important to them? I feel undervalued and unsupported for myself and my partner. I’ve already voiced my feelings to them but nothings changed and I feel that we have given 12 months notice to save and plan but they didn’t organise themselves and now it’s getting too late. We already have friends not attending so it looks like it’s just going to be my family. It’s gone from about 50/60 people to less than 10. Please help me understand if I should be more understanding, I’m trying but it’s hard.
Family not attending wedding
Family not attending wedding
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
29 Replies
Oh darling. Your disappointment is understandable.
When you say remote, what form of travel would be required for the vast majority of people to get there?
Flights? Hire cars? Just to get a bit more clarity before I give my opinion. Giving that nost people who have been invited aren't able to attend
I think you should be more understanding. Weddings that involve travel are very expensive. Time off work, organising house sitter/pet sitter, airfares (or however they are getting there), accommodation, food, taxis, then the usual wedding costs outfit, hair, gift. It is a big ask and 12 months notice means nothing if you are living week to week as it is. I think if you want to plan a wedding like that you have to expect the no shows, family or not.
It's one of those things you can't control.
Throw it to the wind. Let it go. Fuck it all, you'll be married how and where you want to be and the people who want to be there will be.
Possibly have a "sorry you missed it" dinner with his family back home - at a restaurant because fuck having to clean up afterwards too.
Congratulations and best wishes for your wedding day.
I don't/can't do weddings where I need to travel, family or not.
It's not just a matter of saving (which is a huge ask of people in itself, especially in this current climate) but it's also a matter of logistics - not everyone can get babysitters, pet sitters, time off work. Not everyone has the health to travel for a wedding either. Someone wanted my 76 year old, fragile grandmother to travel to the Philippines for a wedding, it's not that she didn't want to go, it's not even that she didn't have the money to go - it was merely that the travel was too much for her.
I do feel like they should've let you know they couldn't make it sooner than a month out from the wedding but aside from that, they're not in the wrong.
My friend got married overseas and I said I intended to go but my situation changed. I could attend a wedding or just have enough money for a house deposit with my own fiance. I was upset I couldn't go, but to spend our house deposit would have been really selfish. The thing is, you can't expect people not to rethink this kind of cost. If you want people to attend, make it affordable. Even if they get a holiday, it isn't their choice of holiday. I think his family are trying to show how much they love you by wanting to organise an affordable celebration for you
When you plan a destination wedding, you know people won’t make it. They want to celebrate with you, and it’s ok for you to say no that’s too much on us, but in that case you have to choose that they can come or not come and not be mad about it.
I think the timing makes it harder too because things are only just opening up, people have been broke and grounded for a while now, they want to have or plan and save for their own holiday. It’s a shame they’re not on board for a family hol and wedding, but it is their choice.
I was in this position a few years ago. I saved for a year and a half, living week to week. I saved $1300. It was hard. I planned to drive there (14 hours away!!) Then my washing machine and fridge blew up, 3 weeks before the wedding. I told the bride I could attend, but I couldn’t stay the night before or the night of, I couldn’t afford accommodation as well as everything else.
The bride was furious.
I was just a guest. I’m glad I didn’t go…
For me it was 3 days celebrating someone else and costing me my sanity!!
I would have loved to have gone but simply I didn’t have a safety net of cash and I couldn’t live without essential items.
I went to the sorry you couldn’t come party and it was a blast, luckily I was friends with the groom, but the bride didn’t speak to me for months… until she too had to turn down going to a destination wedding - then she understood.
I was in this position. I said yes, I paid for flights, transfers, hotels, taxi to and from the wedding, was a bit awkward there as obviously the bride was busy. I gave to the wishing well. I got a new dress. It was a very very expensive weekend for me, in money time and effort. I wouldn’t do it again.
I could sympathise with your family if they’d expressed these concerns at the start of arranging the wedding.
Changing the game at this late notice makes them assholes in my opinion!
I was thinking that, too. They’ve known about it for a year, why didn’t they say something early on if they thought there was the possibility they wouldn’t be able to attend. And it sounds like the whole extended family is saying they can’t attend, which sounds a bit suspicious to me. Surely some of the smaller family groups are able to attend, even if others can’t for whatever reason.
Sounds like they have all realised how much it will affect them and tried to offer a solution.
I planned on going to an 80th and could not get there. 80(yep Eighty) into trip car started playing up. Had to turn around..we 100% could not afford flights having to fix car to get to work every day. Some times things happen. For me every time I try to go or do something like this a massive expensive pops up.
I went to see family and ended up costing a grand as we got stranded due to issues outside our control. When you live week to week, it's super hard to spend money whether you want to go or not.
Medical reasons could be recent. I can also relate to business reasons as a small business owner, a year ago would have been fine but now I am short staffed there's no way I could go anywhere not even hospital if I needed it, plenty of other business owners in the same boat. As for financial so many things can change in the space of a year as we all know. What I would like to know is why the OP didn't plan the wedding for where most of the guests live? That makes more sense to me. I live rural too but I wouldn't plan a wedding here and expect everyone to travel to it. I would have it where most of our family lives.
It's the late notice that gets me too. They would have known this bride and groom would be planning and paying out money for catering etc. Earlier notice can understand why people would think she was maybe asking for too much from the guests but at this stage it's an a**hat move.
There's a reason weddings were usually held on a Saturday in the area where the bride and groom live..it's because YOU are suppose to want these people there so you make it convenient for them to be able to attend!
If you want to have a destination wedding then you have to expect most people won't e able to go, it's not that they don't love you but people can't just put their lives on hold or splash out their money on someone else's wedding.
If you really want this wedding then enjoy it! As long as you and hubby are there that's all that matters
My dad and his wife got married in a tiny coastal town. They had to keep the guest list to about 30 because every one of their guests had to travel and there actually wasn't enough accommodation locally to cater to more people than that.
My brother, boyfriend at the time and brother had to camp in my dad's backyard so his inlaws could have the bedrooms.
The fact that you've got friends who can't come, hubbies fam who have pulled out and it's not just a few people it's like 50 to 60, it just makes me wonder if you've made your wedding unjustifiably inconvenient of if maybe there's another underlying reason why your guests aren't willing to put themselves out for you?
A wedding is just a day. One day in your whole life. It's important to you and your partner. But may be it's really hard for other people to come up with time and money to attend. We (a family of 5) were invited to a destination wedding. We truly planned to attend but financial circumstances out of our control took a turn so we didn't go. We weighed up spending $15K on someone else's wedding vs our financial wellbeing and the decision was quite easy in the end 🤷♀️
Do your remote wedding and then have a dinner to celebrate with those who couldn't be there.
Circumstances can change over 12 months - jobs, health, commitments. You can't expect people to put their lives on hold for your event.
Over the past few years my family members have done a number of "destination events" and each one has created issues in the family and been minimally attended because of the travel and inconvenience involved for the guests - especially as all of them have involved travel into a state that was locking tourists out due to COVID.
If you choose to book and travel outside of your local area for your wedding, you need to do so with few expectations on your guests. Especially because of the world we live in now.
"12 months notice...savings need to be done."
Just a tad entitled?
She mentions it'll take a chunk out of the bank so maybe it wouldn't be cheap to get there 🤷♀️
once upon a time, the only ppl who had to save for a wedding, were the bride and groom.
i wouldnt have the audacity to tell ppl to start saving 12 mths before my wedding.
ppl these days are so unbelievably entitled.
For us, my mom wants all of us to go on an overseas holiday... before she dies. She has a strained relationship with all her family and plays the victim entirely for her behavior. She is manipulative and wants you to believe she's dying to get what she wants.
I couldn't imagine anything worse than be on a plane or holiday with this self centred woman. To make things worse is she insists we holiday somewhere she adamantly wants to go and snubs her nose at anything we would be interested in doing.
As a single parent (she caused the relationship to deteriorate and the break up) I cannot fork out 35-40k to cover my expenses. My sisters couldn't justify it either because at the end because the total cost would be 100k. Costs of kennels for animals alone would be close to $1000. Insurance, parking, tickets, food, packages, spending money, tips, medications, unforeseeable issues.... it's enough to make you think twice.
And your bills at home won't stop. I virtually live hand to mouth and do have savings but they are for my house. She knows about my house savings and i bet anything she wants me to spend it so I never will be good enough and remind me of this during her drunkard meltdowns.
That aside, im sorry about your husband's family pulling out at what seems to be the ladt minute but circumstances change and it's come to a head where they probably feel that can no longer put it off telling you. I would just enjoy your wedding. You're going to be married forever with opportunities years to come.
Totally understandable that you feel the way you do. Please do not let this taint your special day. This is about the two of you and not anyone else. Many people try to cull their list as they want smaller and more personal weddings. You only really need a couple of people to witness. Please try to switch the focus back to your happiness and do not let these people steal your joy. Also if you are not available for a celebration afterwards then you are not. It's now a 'them problem' as they couldn't get themselves more organised <3
I will never understand why people think others should spend money on their wedding. It's just a wedding and frankly means nothing to anyone but yourself. You don't have to understand their reasons. And frankly they didn't even need to go you a reason. If they had just said no you should respect that. Stop with the toddler tantrum and grow up. I can't imagine being so selfish as to be upset that someone doesn't want to spend their money on me. If 40/50 people can't attend that should give you a clue. Its can't be all of them, your wedding is the common denominator here.
Serves your right for being so self entitled to expect people to save money for a year, travel to a remote location and put their lives on hold just to attend your "special day".
I had a 'destination' wedding which was a 4 hours drive from all of our family. I think you need to be understanding that not everyone will be willing to travel when you go ahead with planning a destination wedding.
You can be disappointed, but you can't hold it against them for not being willing to travel.
I find you're demands very offensive & unreasonable if people simply cannot afford to attend due to medical reasons or other responsibilities/commitments just because you don't agree doesn't give you the right to slag you're guest list.. you can't tell me you know 50/60 peoples financial status & make the assumption they can "all" afford to travel accross the country to attend a wedding.
Maybe take some accountability & realise you don't always get what we want Miss Bridezilla.
What a huge loss for them not being apart of the most important day of you and hubbys life.
You feelings are valid do not let anyone say otherwise. Being upset and angry would be part of it too.
I say marry your man and focus on the positive people in your life. As this is your day (and hubby) and the rest of your lives.
On a side note. My sister gave all her guests 18 months notice. I am honestly the poorest out of everyone who attended lol (single mum with two kids, one wage) AND I still was able to put money away for travel, accommodation for 3 nights, food and other expenses. And it was remote where she got married. It was hard to achieve but there would be no way I’d miss out on my sister and her partners day. I would sell a limb to achieve it.
It honestly sucks that these people have disappointed you but unfortunately there is not a whole lot you can do about it but respect their wishes and move on. I personally wouldn’t be planning any further wedding plans in their direction of the world and just focus on the wedding plans you already have in place.
Hope you find peace in this post and enjoy your wedding day!
You'd have sold a limb, but would you have differred seeing a specialist for a medical investigation for one of your kids because the money was set aside to travel to a wedding? Would you have risked your financial security in a time costs are significantly increasing for food, petrol, rent and mortgages? Seriously, you were able to scrimp and save because an obstacles you experienced to saving were obviously small enough to manage.
While I know your wedding is important to you, I think people are rightfully cautious about money right now. I have always hated destination weddings that require travel and a big cost regardless of how much time and notice has been given. It forces you to have a holiday somewhere you don’t want to and then you miss out on the actual holiday. Also you don’t know their budget, they may be saving for something specific or just want to have a certain amount for a rainy day.
I don’t think anyone is the arsehole, you chose to have the wedding away, that’s a risk you take. They chose not to spend their annual leave and savings going. It’s a choice from both sides.