My best friend went behind my back and hooked up with my ex husband while she was still married. We had only been separated for a month. She was the first person I told. She nursed me through my broken heart.
They are still together, living together playing happy families with my 2 boys. I have forgiven him. He owed me nothing. Do I think he’s scum - absolutely. Do I have anger towards him - not really.
Her though. The anger I feel for her is palpable. For my childrens sake (and my own) I have never abused her, called her out etc I have tried to take the high road. At the beginning we would text and I tried to get her to see the hurt she has caused. She was sorry, says she was selfish and was just looking out for her own happiness etc but I can tell she doesn’t mean the apology.
I see her all the time. I can’t avoid it. I see them together all the time. I, again, take the high road, wave and say hello. But every time I think I’m doing ok, I’ll see her and my anger resurfaces. I can’t understand how she can wake up next to him every morning and feel no shame. I can’t understand how they can show up to places together knowing what they’ve done. I can’t understand how she can act like nothing is wrong.
I see a psychologist occasionally. I will up the sessions a bit more. But in the mean time I’m after some advice. I have horrible trust issues now, I have huge abandonment issues. I have pushed away all my friends. My current partner has met NONE of them and that’s because I know deep down I’m scared it will happen again. I feel betrayed, I feel hurt, I feel confused. How do I move past this. How do I stop being so angry every time I see her.
9 Replies
To be fair to your other friends, this doesn’t happen often. She was a super kind of bitch. You can feel reassured she’s not your problem anymore, the garbage took itself out.
They're both horrible people. They won't last. They will soon be swamped with their own trust issues if not already. Be glad that you don't need to put up with any of their crap any more. Take this opportunity to find out who your real friends are.
Reach back out to your friends. It's so unfair to tar them all with the same shit smeared brush as your ex friend.
Your anger is normal, in my opinion the easiest way past it is pity. Anger and hate hurt us. Pity does not.
You of all people know what his failings are, she obviously saw them as an upgrade. Pity her low self esteem, poor judgement and the fact she's simply a bed warmer (because we all know those people that can't be alone, if he's hooking up within a month of leaving a long term relationship it's for opportunity, not love).
There's no need for you to shut everyone else out of your life. Yes, be picky with your friends, but don't shut out everyone because all it does is isolate you. Your new partner still has access to people besides you. If he's a keeper he's trustworthy with everyone, your friends include. If he's not, as painful as it is it's better to know than to hold on with a death grip to what's not good for you.
Keep your eyes open, don't let 2 previous shit people ruin your lifelong relationships going forward though. All they get is the pity.
Think of it this way.
If you allow yourself to succumb to that anger every time you see her - you're giving her power.
You hold your genuine friends at arms length because of her actions - you're giving her power.
You avoid placing trust in people, that will be a destructive force in your relationships and guess what - you're giving her power!
She does not deserve to have that kind of hold over your life so stop letting her steal your inner peace because I guarantee you are not disturbing hers in the slightest.
Look to be honest; you weren’t together. It was only a month, but who he and her sleep with is none of your business.
I wouldn’t be friends with someone who slept with my ex husband whilst in a relationship, but not my monkeys.
Also you never know, maybe your ex friend and ex husband have an open relationship?
I’d just let it go. It’s not worth the energy. It’s none of your business who they sleep with or what drama they have in their lives, you can only control yours.
Let your other friends in, they haven’t done anything.
And above all, your children will always be yours. Be reassured in the fact they both deserve each other…and you’ve moved on to bigger and better things
They were so sleeping together long before your marriage ended
That’s helpful thank you
This is a tricky one. I read a quote once that has stuck with me. It said "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
It's so so hard to do but I think in order to move on you need to let go and forgive. Remember forgiveness is about closure, you do not forgive the betrayal, you forgive the one who didn't have the strength to do the right thing. Rise above and don't look back. She was never a true friend anyway. Reconcile with the friends you do have, If they are close friends I would open up to them and let them know what's going on and why you've been pushing them away. Tell your new partner how you're feeling too. When you've been hurt in the past you build up your defences from being hurt in the future. But it's a terrible cycle that needs to be broken so you can be free from the anger and resentment and truly move on. I wish you all the best x
Don’t let them have anymore space. Keep going to therapy, get back in touch with your friends. Let them know you were feeling guarded and you’re sorry you trust them. Start living your life. They may or may not continue to live a happy life but that is out of your control. Small steps with things you can control.
Set clear boundaries. Let them know that you’ll always be civil and maintain some sort of relationship because if your son’s that is it. They hurt you and they deserve no more than a polite relationship for your sons.
Well done for not speaking badly of them around your sons. I grew up with a parent that did this and it makes it very hard for the kids..