So one of my husbands mate cheated on his wife. :(
It brought about a conversation with me and my husband. He thinks they should stick it out for the kids, 4 young children together and zero support etc. I think if they are both (clearly) unhappy, they should just seperate!
He went on to say about how his parents separated and his mum took his dad for ‘everything’ but were two poor homes, not having a bed to sleep on or a blanket a night at his dads. He had to go without a lot!
The revolving door of terrible partners they both got, and going to his dads for the weekend and he’d moved in another new partner and her kids etc.
which I agreed, he’s got some childhood trauma and the whole situation sucked! Plus the people who his parents ended up dating added of whole new level of suckiness to the situation too!
He strongly believes his parents should have sucked it up and stayed to together for him and his siblings. That they where miserable together but at least financially better off.
Meanwhile my parents did the ‘staying together for the kids’ and it was horribly toxic (not violent but manipulative, emotionally toxic, cut the air with a knife type feeling all the time) I remember pretty much begging my mum to seperate from my dad maybe at the age of 14? They stayed together until my youngest sibling left the nest and honestly it was so relieved feeling, and they are so much happier now, living their own lives! (I do have to say my youngest sibling did struggle with coming to terms with the seperation but everyone else was stoked 😂)
So this has me now concerned that if he was unhappy in our marriage, he would just suck it up for our kids and himself because it’s the easy option???!
I did questioned him on this and he said he would let me know if he was unhappy and wouldn’t stay in an unhappy marriage with me.
I did say that if we ever separated we would work together for the kids and I would never leave him without anything! That’s never been in my nature and he should know who I am.
His response was he knows how much of a b**ch I can be and what I’m like when we argue, and imagine having those arguments when not being in a relationship with someone.
We both can be bad at communicating effectively but I am definitely not that bad!! He just deflected the conversation at that point so I dropped it..
But for the best of the last two years I have seriously questioned his happiness, I don’t think he is happy (he has been extremely stressed with work, to the point he wants to throw it all in etc)
I feel like he avoids coming home in the afternoons and will go to the pub to ‘destress’ before coming home. Then when he is home he’s yelling at the kids and criticising me.
I will ask him if he’s happy because it doesn’t feel that way and he will then have a go at me for questioning him and if I continue to question him, ‘“I will put thoughts in his head that maybe he isn’t happy”. ???
He works hard and we do laugh alot together and we do have fun moments as a family too but just the day to day moments, I honestly feel like he’d rather be at the pub and is angry with us??
I don’t know what I’m really asking..
how did you know your husband (or you!) where unhappy in marriage?
6 Replies
My parents were extremely toxic together and they were toxic apart! Things still sucked when they separated they just sucked in a different way.
I think the real defining factor is that some parents just can't put their bullshit aside for the sake of their kids, that goes for coupled parents and separated ones.
I still pretty firmly believe that staying together for the kids doesn't do them any favours. They might have nice things but they usually end up with a skewed or unhealthy view on relationships and often some resentment towards their parents because that tension and misery doesn't exactly make for the most relaxing home environment.
It's really sounds like your hubby has some childhood trauma he needs to work through to be entirely honest.
I’d make it really clear to him you won’t be staying for the kids and you don’t expect him to, it’ll be over before you live in misery. He needs to know that he is responsible for his own happiness in life and in your relationship, he chooses to put the effort in at home or give it elsewhere, maybe something he needs to look at right now?
I didn't know anything *was* "wrong" in my marriage. We didn't fight; he played outdoor cricket every weekend - winter and summer - and socialised with the team after the games generally all coming back to ours; he played indoor cricket every weekend; he regularly went for drinks.
One day, he said he was leaving. No discussion; no counselling; no opportunity for me to adjust or ask questions. Just out and left me to explain it to a 2.5 and 6.5 year old.
At least you have had some kind of discussion...
I've been there where I felt that neither my husband or I was happy in our marriage. We've been together 20 years amd yes there is kids involved. I was almost ready to leave.
Due to unforeseen circumstances we had to be at home together. We actually spent time together doing things we both enjoyed . And you know what our marriage isn't perfect but it's a lot better. Maybe reconnecting as a couple may help at least you'll fond some answers perhaps as tonwhat you both want . Just a thought. .
I found out the following from my counsellor. (See the end paragraph)
Background: My partner has just said he wasn't happy and not getting what he needs from the relationship and basically had a 15 minute conversation about how he doesn't know what he wants...but not us apparently. Best part of decade just gone. Again, refused mediation or further discussions. I am still beyond devastated and that first week was brutal. Subsequent weeks not much better to be honest.
There is/was an issue and yes I got that totally. (I wanted that to change as well)
No clue whatsoever he was feeling unhappy about our current situation.
I started counselling as our child doesn't understand its forever and I just don't know how to function. I need help.
At counselling I feel I was open and said I knew what bothered my partner (the stuff that would irritate him) and the counsellor (male as well) said men can be confident and assertive but passive. They have an expectation that their partner will take a lead in parts of the relationship but they won't say no if its not what they want to do or suggest other ideas. Simple, everyday things to big relationship issues. That then builds resentment, and then the lack of understanding/empathy is directed silently towards you. It comes down to a minute they want out straight away. It's got all too much for them and as they may not have considered how you are, only how they feel, they have lost any feelings towards to you and leaving is easier. If they/you don't feel anything you don't have to deal with it!
If you google "passiveness in a relationships" you will find some great sites that go into more detail.
My partner had an affair in 2017. It was during a point where my mental health was extremely low and I had shut him off completely. Although I DO NOT condone what he did, a part of me can understand him seeking affection somewhere else, and it was a wake up call for both of us. In saying that, it took a long time to forgive but I'll never forget the pain it caused me. And I still fear it happening every day. It extremely hard to move forward and to do so, both of you have to really want to save the relationship.