My daughter just come back from being with her dad for the school holidays, the first time in 2 years he has made an effort to be in her life.
She come back and hit me with a bombshell that she wants to live with him. I'm beyond broken, heart is in a million pieces, angry, confused and Lost. I haven't stopped crying for 3 days, can't sleep.
Home is fine, the typical arguments you'd expect from a teenager.. her mental health isn't the best, but I've gone every avenue to seek help, but her dad keeps halting it. Stating she doesn't need it.
We spoke, and I must admit I yelled. I was so blind sighted I didn't see it coming - it's been her and I for 13 years through all the hurt it's always been me not her dad. Through the bullying, the first little heartbreak, best friend bust ups, when she was sick and when she got covid it's always been me.
But we spoke and I asked her to give it time to think it over, she agreed but ultimately I knew deep down she was already out of the door. She's leaving. Her sister has begged her to stay, doesn't understand this situation and I must admit I don't really either.
I know it's about money for her dad, it always has been. He can give her more than I ever can or could.
I look at her but feel so hurt and empty already, like I don't want to get close anymore just so it's easier to let go. How selfish can I be.. it shouldn't be like this. She needs me now as much as I need her.
How do I let her go? What am I meant to do?? I feel so numb and withdrawn, what could i have done better to make her want to stay..
My current partner thinks things will be normal at home between us, but this is on him, he likes to be the boss and what he says goes. Things will be different, I also hate him for her wanting to go.
Her dad is the type of person that will make sure I have no communication with her again, and the step mum is very much the same - they got together again while I was pregnant with our daughter.
I want her to be happy, and support her decision 100% but it doesn't make this any easier.
Not sure what I really want to achieve out of this post but I'm just so hurt, my mini me is leaving.
Sorry this is long, I don't really have any friends to speak it through
How do I let her go
How do I let her go
Posted in:
Teenagers, Tips and Advice
6 Replies
Don't let her go if you know contact will be cut. Go to mediation ASAP and get some orders in place and start counselling for you both. Your current partner is another issue maybe you should consider letting him go instead of your daughter.
Don’t let her go anywhere until You have the docs in place so you can hit him with a breach every time and don’t have to start a years long process when he’s already got her.
I hope she finds he’s not all that rosey and comes home. They can’t hide it for long. I bet it makes you very scared of what she will be doing. Make sure you have your custody visits in order, he doesn’t get her 100%. And don’t make it too easy for her over there, no matter how much you want to help her. Save it and make it awesome at yours.
I was that kid!!!! Now a couple things, and this is going to be harsh, so I'm sorry: no way can a parent stop a 13yo from contacting you if she wants to, don't fool yourself. Make sure she has your number written down everywhere and memorised. If she isn't calling you, she doesn't want to.
I didn't leave my Mum's house because of money. I left because my home life was shit. Mum & I fought constantly, she imposed stupid rules & would say no to me for no reason. Eg. No you can't go to that party even though X's parent will drop you off and pick you up. Because I said no, that's why.
Your partner sounds like a bit of an asshole. Maybe she doesn't want to live with him. Have you even asked her????
My relationship with Mum actually got a lot better when we didn't live together. We could actually enjoy each other's company instead of screaming about who left the milk on the counter.
Just make sure she knows your door is always open.
A 13 year old can absolutely be stopped from contacting someone.
It’s possible she wants to live there because he’s the fun parent, and being school holidays there were probably no rules and no routine. How far away does he live? Will she be able to stay at the same school? Before agreeing to anything go to mediation (let him organise it to prove he wants more contact), then request he has her consistently every second weekend for a set number of months before slowly increasing the days. Then keep it at 50/50 for a number of months to see how she copes with it. Don’t just give him sole custody when he hasn’t been consistently in her life for a number f years, particularly if you suspect he will try to cut contact with you. Get counseling for your daughter to try get to the bottom of why she wants to live with him. And it won’t hurt you to get counseling for yourself so you’ve got someone to discuss your feelings with.
I feel your pain. It was just my daughter and I for 7 years and then I met the love of my life. She asked to go live with her Dad a year later. I was heartbroken but I always swore I would not be one of those parents who refused to allow their child to chose which parent to live with. I wish I’d begged her to stay but that wouldn’t have been the correct thing to do. 2-1/2 years later she is home. It hasn’t been easy and there was very limited contact thanks to her Dad and his partner. I just made sure to message her regularly to say that I loved her and missed her. Told her that the door was always open for her to come back home.