I have been separated for 15 months, marriage was over long before that.
My ex is and was not a nice person with significant narcissist traits and was and still is abusive.
I met a guy who seems lovely but the rest flags are popping up for me but I am not sure if it’s me who over analyses everything due to my past or if they are valid.
He is quite full on but it comes across as caring. He wants to spend time with my kids and is lovely in the way that he wants to include them and make sure that they are apart of what we do.
However I am not comfortable with my kids knowing this person at the moment they have been through enough to then meet someone and then not see them if it didn’t work out
On some level I feel like I am being smothered. I have a busy career and a 100% single mum so I am busy with kids and I also like to catch up with friends.
I feel that I am expected to change my life back to a situation where I am with this person all the time and have ongoing texts during the day, phone calls at night and all social things involving him
I had a weekend recently away where I caught up with friends and the messages while I was out drive me insane there would have been at least 30. All nice and lovely but I am not one to be on my phone all the time and it’s the same when I am out with my kids.
My ex would do the same but they were nasty abusive messages which is probably why I am freaking out
If I was reading this I would say back off red flags but again it’s more my past
Any advice would be great
11 Replies
I'm reading between the lines (and 100% could be wrong) but it sounds as though you don't want, and aren't ready for, another serious relationship. You seem to be doing quite well, enjoying being free of abuse and not having to consider a partner. I'd suggest you consider just being you and your kids for a while.
The new man could just be needy, a clinger, a FOMO, or could be abusive. I can't answer it with any certainty without context so don't take this as a diagnosis, but more a warning. The behaviour is called 'love bombing' and often leads to abuse. I've seen it first hand and wow is it effective.
You don't seem ready for a relationship and that's understandable. I was single for 5 years after separating from my abusive ex, I really just wanted to do my own thing after so long of being controlled. How your new guy is acting is not red flag behaviour for a new relationship, I think it's normal to be head over heels at the beginning but you are not ready for that.
I think you are best to just enjoy time by yourself with the kids and end it with this guy.you are doing the right things here and he needs to back off, especially with your kids. Protect them, they have been through enough. Be on your own, have your career and kids without the extra headache for now.
If you don’t know but feel it is, that to me is enough to quit because you’re not ready for a relationship. Don’t get into one that starts with you already feeling flags and not knowing which way is up or down. Haven’t you had enough of that? Just wait.
whether the messages are mean or lovely, they have the same effect, distracting you from spending time with others and keeps them on your mind.
he can't send the nasty ones yet, too early in the piece, you aren't hooked yet.
rushing things, especially with kids, smothering but loving, sounds very much like love bombing, just as another poster said.
listen to your gut, always.
if you dont trust yourself and your instincts, you should not be dating yet, its too risky.
^^^^ this
Go with your gut, if he gives you red flags then you need to listen to it. You have kids to protect, that have already been through enough. You know the signs to look out for now and you are being smart about this. Good job Mumma!
I am the poster
Thank you everyone for the insight
I think today was enough for me when he wasn’t happy I wouldn’t accept an phone call from him as we are with family
I didn’t see the signs of the love bomb scenario with my ex until it was well to late and despite stating the best relationships start off as nothing more than people with things in common and taken slowly it hasn’t sunk in
It feels a bit fake that there is the expectation that they will be featured in my kids life . Their dad is a deadbeat but it’s still dad and they don’t need another one
It also has made me see we as a family are nowhere near ready for someone serious in our lives
Appreciate all that was said
Regardless of what ever happens down the track, if it were me I’m not sure I would ever move in with anyone or have them move in with me. You loose a somewhat amount of independence and you have to answer to someone. Live your life with your beautiful kids and the right person will come along when the time is right.
Run. When they do this as soon as you say no or put a boundary in place they tend to become nasty. Get used to doing this with some men. I found a nice one but I had to wade through some unpleasant personalities first.
I left a bad marriage and had an even worst separation and had Lots of DV counselling. When I decided to reenter the dating world i was given the best piece of advice!
Draw a line in the sand! What is acceptable and what isn’t, Make a promise to yourself never let that line become fuzzy and excuse it as We survivors once did.
With out anyones input if it is over thinking it or not, ….. my Queen ask yourself does this cross YOUR line?