I have 3 children to my ex husband. We were together 21 years, married for 13 of those. My ex was an alcoholic, and we have suffered through domestic violence. 6 years ago, he left and moved interstate. He did not attempt to keep a relationship with his children. The phone calls were few and far between. 2 years ago, he commit suicide, leaving me to raise the kids on my own. They were 14,12 and 10. My middle child has been asking alarmist daily to change his last name to mine. I changed my name back to my maiden name after our divorce. My son is now 14, almost 15. His reasoning is that his father never tried to have a relationship with him, and he is not “one of them” (in relation to his fathers family). He has changed his name on his social media accounts (Xbox games and snap chat) to have my last name. He has printed out forms for a name change. He is adamant. My thoughts are I’m confused. I married their dad, we created a family and we all carried his name. His father would turn in his grave if he knew his son didn’t want to carry his name any more. Do I allow my son, who is almost 15 to change his last name? It’s been a daily conversation for over a year. I am torn. What would you do?
EDIT: All 3 kids have had intensive counselling. All have finished their sessions, as they and councillor have decided they are strong enough to not need sessions. I have not discussed this with the councillor.
My son wants to change his last name
My son wants to change his last name
Posted in:
Teenagers, Tips and Advice
21 Replies
Change it.
If it’s causing that much conflict and concern, change it.
My son has my name for a similar reason (but always has).
He associates the name to a person who treated him like absolute crap. Imagine his children having the same name and it being associated with such horrid memories.
Or every time some days Mr.X he is reminded of his father.
I’d take him to counselling and change the name.
Whenever this subject comes up I say don't do it but in this situation I think you should let him do this. For one, I can see you're not trying to brainwash your kids because only one of them wants to do it, secondly you're not using the whole "I want my kids to have my new bf surname so we all have the same name" and lastly, this seems to be really affecting him mentally and he needs the name change to separate himself from a traumatic childhood caused by his father. It's also coming up to the time where he will be getting official documents organised like bank cards, license, his own Medicare etc so it will be so much easier if it all has his preferred name on it to start with rather than having to change it all at 18.
Why would you worry what his dad thinks? You told a horrendous story about him and what he did, then said but I created a family with him so even though he’s gone I’ll give him more say and thought than my son who is damaged from all of choices and right in front of me. You’re going to have to face you didn’t make a family, it was awful and he wasn’t a good dad to them and honour that, put them first.
Because at the end of the day, they loved each other and the children are his.They only get one dad and he is no longer here. She would be so torn what to do. He obviously had issues but there is still a part of him that she will love because of their children, they are part of him. He probably wasn’t always abusive. It’s not about giving him More say. It’s being torn between the man she once loved and created a family with.
She really shouldn’t be torn by now. She has in front of her a child who lives through dv and An ancoholic parent because of him, he then left and cut contact. She has to stop enabling this man to have power over this poor kid. Look at the child right in front of you and of you can’t actively support at least listen to him.
what do you expect?
she didnt even leave due to dv to protect her kids, he ended up leaving them.
she chose the abusive father every step of the way and even now, in death.
there will come a day when her kids look back on all this....
Absolutely. All the kids should have been in therapy a long time ago, and I’d suggest it for the OP definitely. The kids well-being has to be number one who fucking cares if that guy would turn in his grave I hope the children never hear that over anything they ever do, he doesn’t get to judge them and definitely not in absence through you.
And you know you don’t only get one name change ever. If it doesn’t fit or he decides no then he can change it again. I think it’s much more important that you are not the one standing in his way especially on behalf of his absent father, after all he’s done.
She was a victim, she had kids to this man and you say she shouldn’t be torn still: I’m sure she will be torn for the rest of her life. This poor mum. Have some empathy.
Having empathy does not mean blowing smoke up her ass. Who I feel sorry for are the kids, and who she needs to change her thinking for is the kids. She might me still unable to make a decision without worrying about what he would tell her to do but that is just plain toxic on those children.
i would let him change it, because he is driving it and it is psychologically damaging him.
Most want to do it because they have a new bf and want to erase child's history and be "one" ridiculous family.
i also think he needs counselling (if he isnt already) because changing his name won't make the pain go away, like i suspect he thinks it will.
He is still you and confused and hurt and grieving. I would suggest you get him professional help to help sort through all the emotions and this issue. They will explain things to him clearly for him to understand and help him with grieving. I don’t think it’s about his dad or the name but maybe more so he can forget and try to move on from it and the pain if that makes sense. He probably thinks by doing this, he can detach from it. He def needs to see a psychologist and go from there, once he gets a better understanding of his feelings and his dad. Get to the bottom of why he wants to do it.
Young and confused I meant
you do know you can edit your comment
instead of clicking reply, you click edit
No, I don’t know how to do this or where even people do this? I comment via the link.? Not sure how to find other wise
google imperfect mum, then click q and a forum, will bring you to the page.
the ones on fb are usually a week or two ago on the site, so you'll need to scroll down.
Oh right thanks I never knew this.
Wait until he's 18. If he's still certain, then by all means .
Change it. He needs to close a chapter in his life he finds unpleasant.
Whilst under 18, the father still needs to consent to the name change. The best you will get is having your name added to his so he has both last names.
Father is deceased so mother can do it easily no problem there at all.