Hi lovely sisterhood,
I have a rather delicate question… my husband and I have been together for over 12 yrs. Married 6 …but we have absolutely NO sex life.
He wants it all the time…. But me …. No.
We are intimidate about once a month. And that’s with him begging. 😢😢😢😢.
I just never have the energy nor want for it. And he works late every night. We have two kids 7&4 yrs old.
I am literally a single mum, raising two kids by me self. My husband owns two businesses that he manages personally, therefore the majority of parenting falls on me as well as working one day a week.
I recently read an article that said “happy long term couples should be having sex 3–4 times a week.
😱😱😱😱😱…is that true for all you long term couples ?
Maybe I need help? Maybe I'm the problem in my relationship?
My husband finds me extremely attractive, but I have a very low to nonexistent sex drive. And I don’t want this to be the reason marriage falls apart.
I don’t know what I should do or even where to go to seek help. ?????
18 Replies
Nah! We have been happily married 20 years and are lucky to do it once a month. Neither of us are phased.
I've said this before here and got shot down for it but I will say it again because I still believe it- having no sex drive is a medical issue that you should be seeing a Dr about. Could be stress, mental illness, hormonal issues, anything causing it and I don't think it should be considered normal to have no sex drive at all.
I absolutely agree. Even if the diagnosis is "you're exhausted & resentful because your husband does not to help you" - it still needs checking by a professional, be it medical or marriage counselling.
You're not a single mum so please don't say that. I was an actual single mum for years and I had to bring in the money as well as look after the kids all on my own! I worked 5 days a week full time and then did everything else too just me, I didn't have anyone else's money coming in and I didn't have someone there to talk to and turn to for support. I didn't have someone finding me attractive and wanting my attention at night it was just me and me alone no partner, no husband, it's not the same as your situation.
As for the sex, maybe go to the Dr. IMO it's not normal to only want sex once a month and I'm guessing you're quite young still as you've got young kids, I'm sure it can be fixed.
As a single mum, thanks so much for saying this, I find posts like this so ignorant.
The hardest aspect for me is the financial aspect, having only one full time wage. The lack of support is also difficult, just not having someone to run big life decisions by.
In reality she actually works 1 day a week and 4 days a week has only 1 child at home (assuming the other in school), sounds like a holiday to me.
Op go the gp, I'm assuming you're much younger than me, you should not be that exhausted.
I actually found being a single mum so much easier than being partnered in every way, even though my income lowered I had so much more freedom and control over my own finances. Being in a miserable relationship where you're treated like the house cleaner and the nanny is a hell of a lot more stressful than being out on your own.
Agree wholeheartedly ^^
Being single is so much easier, I'm not even really that much worse off financially either.
OP saying she feels like a single mum doesn't take away anything from anyone else's experience. It's how she feels!
To the first two commenter taking issue with OPS choice of words, you've actually both been really dismissive, she's essentially not allowed to feel alone and not allowed to feel exhausted without there being something 'wrong' with her that a GP needs to fix.
OP didn't say she feels like she's a single mum, she said she's literally a single mum. But she's not. I'm guessing all of you who found it easier had a lot of support around you. Not everyone does.
and their partners obviously earned shit all if their household income barely changed...
I think she probably knows she's not literally a single mum. She may very well be the sole garegiver though.
My overall point was that her low sex drive is probably not a physical problem, it's a relationship problem because something is very wrong if one spouse feels so unsupported and alone that they're practically single.
She's not the sole caregiver...she has a husband who is working.
None at all, all my family were on the other side of the country. My ex was horrid, just having him gone was bliss. And he was on over 100k a year but I never saw that.
I'm sure with a horrid ex you'd find it easier now. However that doesn't mean you were a single mum when you were with him. I'm sure he would have paid for some things and helped out every once in a while. I wouldnt believe it if someone claimed they had kids with and lived with someone and they never paid for anything in the house and never talked to, hugged, bought stuff for or did anything for their kids sorry. There would have been a reason you dated and had kids with him in the first place so he wouldn't have always been horrible. It's ok to find single mum life easier if you've done both. But it's not ok to claim you're a single mum when you're not.
she works one day a week and he runs 2 businesses, i'd say financially things would be very different if she were single.
I classed myself as a single mum while with my ex and I definitely think some women meet the criteria. Some of the hardest years of my life. I left him and became an official single mum and even though I struggled financially they were the best years of my life. Not all situations are the same. I get where you are coming from though, some women throw that out there when they have no idea how hard it is when it's just you and you have noone else to help.
I'm no expert but I tend to feel like the key to lasting relationships is a little more complex than sex 3 times a week.
The fact that you feel like a single mum says it all really - you feel alone in your relationship and as a parent. You're physically doing a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of caring for the children, running a household and all the life maintenance that involves. It doesn't sound like you have much, if any, emotional support either.
So call me crazy but I don't think you need a doctor to tell you why you aren't exactly psyched about sex!
I think what you guys need is some relationships counselling for a start, you both need to emotionally reconnect and probably share the load a bit more.
I also think you need a break. You cannot pour from an empty cup. When you're mentally and physically tired, sex is the first thing to go.
If you recharge and you guys work on the foundations of your relationship, I feel like that will solve a lot of the problems.
We have been together 18 years and we only do it every few months. Don't worry I think it's pretty normal after that long, busy lives etc
3-4 times a week, my ass!!!!!!! I’ve been with my hubby for 25 years. We do it once a month. If he’s Lucky 🤣. I’m like you, no sex drive yet he’d do it every day if I let him. There’s nothing wrong with me, OR YOU, and yes I’ve had all the tests done at the doctors, my bloods/ hormone levels are perfect. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s something wrong with you. You are the way you are and that’s it. If hubby has an issue with it then that’s his problem. You still have small kids, they take a lot out of you, who knows, over time things may change, but for now this is you and hubby needs to respect that.