I need some unbiased opinions here.
Is this weird? I’ll try and put what I can in this post, here goes...
I’m seeing a guy. Have been for 8 months.
He’s wonderful. Handsome, loving, respectful, good good guy.
The “problem” I don’t know if it’s a problem? But it is kinda, I think?
He’s close with his ex.
And there’s boundaries with his kids.
So I haven’t met his kids and he says I won’t for at least another 4-5 months and possibly a bit more. He says he and his ex have an agreement that no one is introduced to the kids before a year of dating minimum, he has two girls and said his ex cane up with that “rule” and he thought it was good expecially since he has girls and didn’t want any guy moving in with his kids or spending time with them till his ex really got to know them. Kinda fit for tat? Ok, I can wait, seems a bit weird having “rules” with his ex but ok.
Now for the part that I really don’t get. He live in the family home. The renovated when they split, she lives in the 4 bedroom part with the kids, then aparently there’s a rental that separates them then his studio on the end (the live on land 5 minutes out of town) they agreed in the separation that if he lived there no one “came on the property” that it was the children’s home and was to be respected. Aparently she owns the home and he lives “rent free” he won’t elaborate on that but says he never chased it in the divorce because the house belongs to her. Same with their rental and he just shrugs and says one day it will be our girls home anyways.
He takes the kids to school every morning / does breakfast on her side ( she goes to work from 7) then she does afternoons mostly. They have dinner once a week an walk the family dog as a family on the beach Together sometimes. TheY spend Christmas together and the kids birthdays. And he has explicitly told me, I’m not looking to create a new family, my ex wife and I have a family, we still are a family, and if you want to be with me you are joining our family. And if your kids don’t get along with mine it will be over and if you can’t get along with my ex it won’t work. He also said we couldn’t move in together for at least 5 years as his youngest is 6 and it would need to be around high school till his girls have more of a “life” outside their family.
He’s nice about the way he says it all. I’m probably writing pretty bluntly.
He wants to introduce me to his ex as he says he’d eventually like me to meet his kids but part of their “rules” are new partners meet each other before the kids.
He clearly adores his girls, and him and his ex seem to have out their kids first the whole way, and seem to be good friends? Is it my issues that cause insecurity? He says they get along better than ever after seperating, says he made some mistakes early on that sealed the deal for a separation after the kids.
He’s not from here so when they split she promised him he would always have a family in her. He still always has dinner with her parents when they visit (and her and the kids and sometimes her partner who also hasn’t met their kids- she’s been dating him for 15 months, sometimes just her and him and her parents and the kids! But he loves her parents, then seem like a great family? )
I should add his ex seems pretty financially well off. Him hardly so. Their kids do a lot of activities and go to a private school there’s no way he can afford it doing what he does but his ex owns a business that seems successful so I think she pays for most of the kids? I wonder if that’s part of her control? He’s such a nice guy, i can see him just settling to all the rules cos she has control and power financially.
Is this red flags or how people healthily co parent with respect? I went through court so it seems Really controlling on her end to me? He’s so nice and sweet I can see him being minipulated by a women and it sounds like she has all the control?
She retained all property from their divorce? He live rent free thanks to her but has to drive the kids every morning so she can work, but isn’t allowed any women at his own house, it all just seems a bit red flaggy to me no? Or is this how good co parenting looks?
He does all the yard work (acreage) but lives in a studio??? He seems to do so much for her? And she just “houses” him in a house she retained control of in the divorce?
He says he will always love her as family and they’ve just rearranged their love and if I can’t work with her and his existing family it can’t work cos he already has a family that includes her.
He does say one day we can have a home together if that’s where it leads but that I need to be very patient because he made a commitment to a family before me an that it will be when he feels his kids no longer need Both their parents close by.
That he and his ex agrees to 5-10 years together and close friends who use to be together raising kids.
He’s so kind how he says it all, I’m para phrasing a lot, and he almost seems pleading for me to be patient for 5-10 years till he has wrapped up his existing family.
In a way I think , I have me kids ( a bit younger) to focus on, maybe it’s the perfect case? I focus on my kids and he on his, then when we’re done with raising our kids we’ll have this Beautiful long awaited time to ourselves and it will be so amazing and mature.
Is this my issues or red flags?
*edited to say I actually could see myself re evaluating what I thought I wanted. Maybe I could Just live parallel with him while our kids are young rather than joint.
Truthfully iv rushed every relationship iv ever been in. So this feels very foreign, but I also did want to stop being like that in relationships maybe this is what the universe gave me to teach me to change my ways, be patient. Enjoy dating him, not needing to wrap our lives up together.
27 Replies
There's healthy co-parenting and then there's dysfunctional co-dependency.
Singularly some of these things make sense but as a whole this very much sounds like its verging into the latter territory, in my opinion anyway.
Either way, he's made himself perfectly clear. You don't have a real future with him.
Personally, I'd bow out now and leave them to it.
This is the ideal co-parenting relationship, they’ve done awesome for there kids and are being very sensible by protecting the children from new and short term relationships.
Is it a situation I’d be getting myself involved in? Depends what I’m looking for, I would probably happily date this guy, cause I’m not looking to move in and have more kids with someone. I’m happy to date very long term.
He isn’t someone I’d be interested in if I was looking to live with the guy (won’t happen until the kids are OLD), and I probably wouldn’t like the Xmas etc would involve the ex. Great for the kids, awkward for me, and I’m just not mature enough to be able to relax in that environment.
Thankyou.
Iv been going some real soul searching the past week. I actually think I can date him long term and not only that I think it’s what I need. It’s what’s good for me. It’s what I wanted but didn’t have the emotional intelligence to set it myself and break my patterns.
The meeting the ex will be weird but people learn to do it right? He’s told me nice things about her and she’s very well liked in the community (I know of her) everyone speaks very highly of her.
Thankyou for your response 💙 I like the way you put it as dating long term. It really made me sit up and say yeah I could do that.
Nope. Although it all sounds great for them, for you as a parent with your own kids trying to make a life with this man who is always going to put his "first family" first instead of thinking of you and him plus kids as a new family then that's going to be a nightmare for you and your kids. Be with someone who is going to put you and your kids first and on the same level as their own kids.
He does always make me feel special and wanted too. And he is wonderful with kids, one of the kids he has with her is actually his step kid and he treats her the same and he has expressed that’s why he’s also not ready to meet my kids cos he knows he’ll get attached and he wants to make sure we are solid enough to meet any of the kids. He’s expressed he will love my kids like his own when we meet them which is why he thinks it’s important we wait.
Logically all of what he says sounds right and healthy, but I just think I know so many fucked up situations my own included it seems wrong somehow? Then I think I am the one who’s got the issues why I think that a really nice guy, gets along great with someone he had a family with, wants to respect my and his kids feelings by not rushing stuff.
I mean, it’s my issues right? Lol
Why am I even trying to “rush” anything? It’s only been 8 months.
No it’s way too close. It’s with codependency, something i would never ever ever get involved with - someone still all wound up giving everything to their ex. Or they’re not split. Or decided to be open. Or at a stretch they are on a break but he wants her back and he’s trying to prove it.
The fact he can’t see a change in the future within 5-10 years would have me done. Find someone that’s single and ready to have a relationship with you. Don’t convince yourself to accept it because you can keep yourself busy with your kids, that doesn’t make it ok.
Sounds mostly fantastic for the kids! Although it could be setting them up for disappointment when mum and dad introduce them to new partners. Not sure how either of them will go with forming long term relationships with those kinds of restrictions though. If the kids live in the main house with mum, why can’t dad have a friend visit him in his home? I’m not sure I could live like that for potentially 10 years. I also don’t have an issue with him being friendly with her parents. I’m still in contact with my ex in laws for the sake of my kids. They visit me and I visit them, with and without the kids.
Run, it’s not you, it’s them.
Sounds pretty healthy to me. They have both set some good boundaries for their children that they both respect.
And he doesn’t live rent free there is an agreement of chores etc
He should want to do things for his kids.
He has been honest with you. You have to decide to respect his wishes or to move on.
Have you spoken with her? There’s no reason why you couldn’t meet her and chat about what’s going on and where it’s going. If he’s on the same page as you, that’s a normal thing to want to know if you were getting involved in this.
Much more likely you’ll wait all this time and then he’ll give you a new bunch of excuses, rules made to suit him and other people, and new timelines. Or he’ll decide he doesn’t like your kids with his and end it. It’s how it always goes when you give too much for someone.
Sounds like they are really putting the kids first and that she's also looking out for him if he's not Australian. My brother married a woman and had kids overseas and if she had been as dedicated to keeping a healthy family dynamic for the kids when they decided to desolve their marriage it would have been so much better.
I wouldn't want to be the new partner, but that would go for any man with young kids to someone else really. The fact is the ex is in your life no matter what the situation.
I think you're trying really hard to convince yourself this is all ok with you, but deep down its not what you want...
Its ok to walk away from something that isn't going to work for you.
I also think the boundaries and rules he has with his ex are fine, they are trying really hard to co-parent in a healthy way, possibly a tiny bit overkill, but thats how they're doing it. He probably needs to ask himself if he truely is ready to open his life up with another person.
You are at a cross roads. And I think which ever decision you make is hard but make the one that makes you the most happy in the long term. Xx
I think I’m feeling confused cos it’s making me think of what o actually want.
Truthfully iv rushed every relationship iv ever been in. So this feels very foreign, but I also did want to stop being like that in relationships maybe this is what the universe gave me to teach me to change my ways, be patient. Enjoy dating him, not needing to wrap our lives up together and just having our own “parts” of our lives. And sharing other parts.
No, there’s a huge difference between not rushing by choice because you’re making sure everything is right along the way over time compared to this idea of hanging in limbo on his terms. This is still you kind of rushing in, way overcommitting to someone who is not giving you that same commitment and won’t be able to even discuss it for years ahead. That is not you taking a relationship slow and steady.
They have an arrangement that works for both of them & a brilliant situation for the kids. I won't comment on if she's controlling or helping him because that's impossible without knowing the whole situation.
But, you have been clearly told his ex comes first (kids should, obviously), you must slot into their rules with no say, no flexibility & one minor issue & you're out. You'll always be in last place.
I don't necessarily think they're red flags to the man you're seeing. He's been very upfront with you. You need to ask yourself - do I want to accept this? If you're happy with casual dating, no problem. If you're looking for long term commitment & a real partner, you won't get it from him. That I think I can safely guarantee.
Yer na that’s all to much for me stuff that! I couldn’t even read the rest. Get rid of him he’s talking shit and using his kids as an excuse.
He is calling the shots and keeping you where he wants you. All sounds too weird for me. Something is suss about him being too nice about it all and calling the shots on your future when it suits him, based on him and his exes agreements. What ever. I’m not buying it.
Yep imagine the gall to tell someone I’m not going to meet your kids or you meet mine for 10 years, and (of course!) if it doesn’t work out then I’ll be out. I mean you should be saying the same thing back - I can’t commit until I know you work with my kids and I work with yours, and they work together, and we work out sharing life together without limitations.
He isn’t over his ex and he is making sure it doesn’t work out with her. He’s talking shit.
I'm not going to share my opinion on their living/co-parenting arrangement because I don't think that's really the point here.
The real problem is the fact that he's setting all the terms and stipulations for this relationship with you.
It's on his timeline, at his pace, he can pull the plug if he doesn't like your children or if at anytime this isn't working for him and you'll always be secondary to his first family. Absolutely no regard for your preferences, life goals or feelings.
He's being quite manipulative about it too, because he's essentially telling you "I'm in charge of this situation. I say jump, you say how high?" but in a way that sounds polite or even reasonable.
That kind of imbalance of power really isn't conducive of a healthy relationship. You won't be an equal here, you'll just be along for a ride that you can be ejected from at any time.
Totally agree. A good person would not do this to somebody.
I'm going to go against the grain. I think there are red flags. His ex sounds controlling, controlling of him and his relationships, financially controlling. 15 months and her partner still hasn't met the kids (does the partner even exist)? Why did he get nothing and she got everything financially out of the relationship? I'd be moving on, there is going slow (fair enough), but this seems a bit ridiculous and your partners ex appears to be controlling your relationship too, not cool.. wishing you the best of luck.
Holy Cow! While I really admire the commitment to the children thing. The rules that you are expected to live by completely remove your input and choice in this relationship. Wouldn't you jointly like to decide when and where you move in together?! There is no way on hells earth I would live my life according to my partners ex rules. Your input deserves to be respected and if he truly values you he will understand you don't want to wait around for 5 or 6 years for a situation that may or may not change. What if you find out your incompatible after finally moving in together. Live your life and don't wait for his rules to say it's okay. We have a family made from two broken families and we are incredibly happy living together and raising our children. We have firmer boundaries with our exes and all coparent. Kids can have two happy homes. You don't have to sacrifice your own happiness for that. You are willing to do so much for him already. Does this sound like he is going to put the same amount of effort in when all Im reading is you come last?? I can tell you care for him deeply or else you would have already ran away! Admire their effort but it's overboard.
Firstly how long have they been separated and why did they split?
What are you going to do about sleep overs etc? Does this mean you can't stay there or he has to come to you? When you are with him does she call a lot?
Personally, I was in similar experience and the wife used to call constantly and it ended up driving me crazy. I wouldn't go there!
They split about 4 years ago.
He always comes to my house after my boys are in bed or we met in school hours.
Once I meet his ex and it goes well and have met the kids and it all goes well for a period of time after that he said I’ll be able to sleep over his but that living together he would need to move out and that won’t be able to happen till his youngest is in high school at the very least.
No she mostly never has called while we’ve been together? Maybe a handful of times and it was “child is sick can you bring some neurofin” another time was asking for a financial document he had to email to her by a certain time that day. All normal kind of things? One of them was over car Bluetooth. So I could hear her.
He’s really being trying to talk through some of these big issues this month cos he said he wants me to meet the ex soon. I want to beleive all this but worry I’m justifying it? Why would he be so keen for me to meet her if it was bullshit?
I really do think iv just got trust issues I need to resolve 😞
My ex husband and I co-parent amicably, wonderfully I would think, and none of this is involved. Which doesn’t make it wrong, but it does make me cringe lol. My partner is also divorced and coparents - not amicably - he wouldn’t want to do this if he could and for me there’s no way I would be dealing with this. We have boundaries, our exes do not dictate our lives and vice versa in any which way, especially above our relationship. As a divorcée who has gone on to find love again, I would be running from this - 8months ago. It’s up to what you want - will this life suffice?