My husband expressed he's miserable in our marriage. When I ask why he expresses it is because I'm always in a bad mood, I'm angry, he's walking on egg-shells, I get triggered easily, I always act like I'm getting attacked, he worries that if he says one thing wrong, or someone else says something wrong I'll blow up, and that I'm always negative. I feel like that's not true tho, I have my moments, but I feel like he's being so exaggerative. I also feel like he doesn't see how draining being a SAHM is. Are you guys cheery and happy when your husband gets home? I feel like it's so normal to be in a bad mood after a rough day. He says he feels like my punching bag.
I've been professionally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and narcissistic traits so it is hard for me to see reality at times, and to also see other's point of view. That's why I thought I'd come on here to hear unbiased opinions.
I have a lot of trauma from my past and I will be going to a psychotherapist in 2 weeks.
I've been in individual therapy and I've tried medication in the past but it doesn't seem to truly resolve anything.
I was the "scapegoat" as a child in my family, so it is very hard for me to put my walls down, and not guard myself so strongly, also to not constantly feel attacked. My husband doesn't understand when I explain this to him.
My mom and husband are much closer than I am to her. Her and I are very similar so we struggle to get along. Whenever I talk to my mom about this she says that I am ungrateful for him and that I'll never find a man that loves me like he does.
16 Replies
No I think he’s telling the truth, and asking for home to be more pleasant, nice and positive. I think your mum is a problem though. She’s telling you you’re not good enough for him, and would be telling him the same thing - that’s not ok and there’s no way for you to stand equally while he’s doing that. If you’re not that close to her, I wonder why he is?
More understanding into loving and/or living with someone who has BPD/NPD may help you answer your question :)
Yea mum probably does hit the nail on the head and can understand what he’s complaining about. But if she’s not on side, and doesn’t know how to help, just agrees and whinges too, it’s not productive or helpful, it’s toxic.
You are still your mums scapegoat by the sounds of it. She shouldn’t say that to you. How does she know that? it’s good your husband can speak to you about things. Being a stay at home mum is bloody hard, mentally draining. They will never understand that and how much we do.
Say, "I'm sorry if I've made you feel this way. Can you help me figure out what would make me happier?"
This puts it all on the table and helps him to be more understanding instead of complaining that you're in a bad mood. Ask him for a break. Ask him to be more understanding of what your day involves and why you're not jumping for joy at the end of it. Use this as an opportunity to be heard and to get some things happening that will help your life. Tell him how you feel about your Mum and how she's treated you. Tell him it feels as though they are ganging up and you feel isolated instead of feeling like part of a team.
Living with and loving someone with mental illnesses can be really hard. Even though we know it's the "disorder" talking, it's hard not to take it personally.
I think it's a great start that he feels comfortable enough to day these things to you, without him being worried about setting off an episode.
I'm not a SAHM so I can't relate to that, but my partner and I both work long hours, in stressful jobs. So I totally understand the exhaustion at the end of the day. Even if we've had a bad day, in a mood, or flat out so tired we can't stand up, we are both always very focussed on showing the other person love and affection, and words and tone matter.
Even if he walks in the door and you say "hey baby, how was your day?" and give him a hug or kiss, it'll start the evening off right. And sitting in front of the tv snuggled up or holding hands can make a huge difference.
If you need a vent (we all do), don't start with "F'ing Sarah, she f'ing did that f'ing thing again!!!" Start with "OMG you won't believe what Sarah did!!!! Blah blah".
The first way is a barrage of negativity & aggression aimed at him.
The second way shows you're venting, not yelling at him like it's his fault.
Communication style is a huge thing in all relarionships.
I have been in your husband’s position with a good friend of mine and I absolutely felt like a punching bag. I’m sorry you’re struggling as well and I truly hope you can both work it out, but we were once best friends until she got really negative and nasty due to her issues that she to this day refuses to work on or take any responsibility for. Our friendship has never been the same because I tried to support her but in the end I had to walk away for my own peace and mental health. Just to give you some perspective from the other side.
I've been with 2 men with severe mental health issues and one had BPD and I did feel like an emotional punching bag with both of them but even more so with the one with BPD and when I told him that he completely dismissed my feelings and acted like I was crazy for even suggesting it. I think it's great he's been honest with you. I think your mum sucks for saying that to you. Have a very honest and open talk with your husband, find out what he's struggling with that you can change and go from there.
Have you tried seeing a psychologist together. It may be a great way to learn the skills you need to both be considerate of each other's feelings and your own behaviours that are impacting the other. Xx
It sounds like its a rough time for all of you, you are trying to navigate through some tough health issues.
My opinion is it doesn't really matter if we think someone's over exaggerating something, if they have expressed feelings about something, those feelings are valid, just like your struggles are valid. I struggled alot with this in my marriage, my husband would say something and I would instantly get defensive and dismissive, it was hard for me work through that, now I try my hardest to take 5 seconds before I respond, I thank him for his honesty and I make real effort to be a little more understanding. In turn he tries to change the way he communicates those issues to me so they aren't so triggering.
I think you are on the right path though, you are seeking help, you are seeking a professional to talk to, this might help you have an outlet that isn't your husband. Sometimes getting the right medication can be an ongoing thing, keep pushing forward with that.
All the best ❤
As the child of a woman with BPD and NPD and some histrionic in there too, potentially munchausens.. I would honestly tell your husband to go.
Please get a lot of help and understand that you must take responsibility and that his experience loving you has probably also been traumatic.
When mum was diagnosed the psychiatrist told me to protect myself. He told me that these disorders were very hard to treat as the person with them cannot see how harmful their behaviours are.
I would hope that the fact that you’rereaching out means there is hope and that you and your husband can actually find a way through this.
Sending you my very best wishes. Please seek the help and probably for life.
Sorry but I think if this was written the opposite way and the shoe was on the other foot and you had said that you had approached your husband about about the issues and he had dismissed them the way you have people would be telling you that he would be narcissistic and to leave if you have already tried to talk to him and he won't list 🤷♀️
I think if you hubby has take the step to open up to you about what is wrong, that is him reaching out to fix the problem. It's really sad to read that you have dismissed these feelings of your husbands, maybe you could ask your physiologist if you could do a session and involve hubby so that he can express to them his side of what is going and then they maybe able to work with you for the problems that hubby brings up.
If it plays on your mental health so much and drains you so much to be a SAHM then maybe it's not for you? It isn't for everyone and that ok, maybe you should start looking for a job?
If hubby is miserable by your actions the kids would be feeling very similar and they would be feeding off all of the mixed emotions in the house.
I feel his being honest. Work on your own happiness get a job get your kids into childcare I think it would do you the world of good.
The way your husband described you is the exact way my ex husband was, to a Big fat T. I was miserable and it was a horrible way to live. He probably dreads going home like I did. Every time I tried to tell him how I felt, it triggered another mood and was all my fault. Unfortunately we are no longer together and we are both happier apart.
Sorry to hear about your past trauma. That’s great that you are seeking help through a psychotherapist.
Maybe once you have built a relationship with your therapist and you feel comfortable, you can bring your husband to some sessions to work through this together.
In the mean time though, I am also a SAHM and no I try not to take out my frustrations on my husband even if it’s been a hard day.
Some things I have found that have helped when I have felt wound up - is texting him before he gets home telling him I’m a bit stressed and I’d like to go for a walk or to the gym or something once he’s home. Then we make a plan for a time I can get some me time.
It doesn’t have to be excersize- you might like time to go read a book or have a shower, whatever it is that helps you feel good and relieve tension in a healthy way.
Good luck, working through trauma isn’t easy and you might have a long road ahead of you but it’s definitely worth it xx
Search up ‘crappy childhood fairy’ on YouTube… I have found her channel really helpful in learning how to calm myself down when I’m triggered… I have a lot of childhood trauma and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder… I can see now in retrospect that a lot of my borderline personality issues were ways I was coping with unhealed trauma…