Hi ladies, I’m in desperate help or guidance. I’m sorry for the long, rambling post.
I have an appointment to get a mental health plan this afternoon.
I feel like I’m drowning. Everything in my life seems to be falling apart.
I left my ex and moved in with my parents. My stepdad has terminal lung cancer with no cure but it has stopped growing for now and my mum is struggling with this going on too. It’s been ok but it’s getting to the point where my stepdad is being nasty and condescending and my mum is not coping with things either.
I have 4 kids ranging from 20 to 3yrs old.
My oldest has issues and fights with people and can aggressive but also very sooky and cry over everything.
My second (11yrs) is a smart kid and he has a good heart. He takes on a lot to help me out and can sometimes pick on his sisters when he is overwhelmed.
Miss 9 is good too but can be a bit sooky and vague and it frustrates me because I have to push her to get moving and it then annoys my mum and she starts complaining and it’s causing issues.
My 3yo doesn’t stop, she is full of energy and often doesn’t listen and will do the opposite just to annoy me.
So…. The issue
So over the past month I’ve had to drop out of uni because my mum complained about looking after miss 3 even though she told me she would. I got to the point where I was having panic attacks and my nose bled.
My parents have made being at home stressful because of their comments and attitude and I have been thinking about moving out for a while and I’m now at the point where something needs to be done.
Nearly 3 weeks ago I hurt my knee, I’ve torn the ACL, stretched the ligaments holding my knee cap and now it moves and because of this it has damaged my knee cap. I’m looking at 4 months recovery and alot of physio.
Miss 3 has always suffered from separation anxiety but since I’ve hurt myself it’s gotten really bad, she won’t let anyone go near her.
My ex has been giving me the runaround regarding our divorce and financial settlement and I’m tired of being lied to.
So I met someone a little while ago. He was my breathe of fresh air. He is a dad with 4 kids also. We were perfect, like alot of the same things and got along like we had known each other forever. He was the only person I felt comfortable with. So a couple of weeks ago things started to change, he wouldn’t talk about himself and I felt like something was going on. Then he started having issues with his kids and and his friends kept calling and messaging because they needed his advice. He got to the point where he said he couldn’t take it anymore, he kept offloading with me and asking me for help. I was happy to help and spent most of our time together listening to him and offering help. I fell for him and started to love him and love everything about him. Then on Monday he said his boys don’t want to see him and there’s things going on but he doesn’t know what. He said he needed to think to figure things out but it wasn’t permanent. We agreed it would just be till he can fix things with his kids and then we would go from there. Then yesterday he said it’s over, said he has let everyone else down because they rely on him. I was the only one who didn’t rely on him, who actually listened and cared about him, everyone else seemed to be using him but his guilt meant he couldn’t stop helping others. He works hard and does nothing for himself and was a great partner and gave me everything I needed and wanted from a partner even though he thinks he can’t.
I don’t know what to do. I’m calling bullshit on his excuse for ending it and I’m really angry with the fact that as soon as things got even a little tough he ran. He didn’t even give it a chance and he didn’t get to know me enough before he decided it was too hard. I think there’s more going on. He is such an awesome guy and I’ve never felt this way before.
We made plans for our future together and talked about things we wanted to achieve together but it’s almost like it didn’t matter.
Please help me, I’m not coping with everything going on and this break up is killing me, I literally can’t stop crying. What do I do?
9 Replies
Look, I know it doesn't feel like it now but this break up is probably a blessing in disguise.
You've got way too much going on in your personal life to add a dysfunctional relationship into the mix. You became this man's emotional dumping ground and that's not healthy!
Let him go and sort his life out.
You need to focus on you.
Get your mental health plan in place.
Start your physio.
Start thinking about what you need to do to live independently as your parents seem to be adding unnecessary stress into your life.
Maybe think about getting some professional supports in place for your kids, sounds like your 20 year old would benefit from a mental health plan too.
My absolute first step would be writing down what you want to talk about with your doctor this afternoon and go from there.
"My parents have made being at home stressful..."
This is very selfish of you. They have taken you and FOUR kids in at a time when one is battling terminal cancer. This is the most stressful time of THEIR life and you've turned it around on them making your petty issues more important than someone dying. Daycare for uni? Why would you not do that anyway, it would have been cheap and taken the burden off your mum and step dad that no doubt have appointments and things to do in the day. You just seem so oblivious to what you living there could be doing to them. Forget about your boyfriend and concentrate on getting your own place.
I totally agree with this. This is the worst time of their lives and you’re cranky because your mum won’t look after your very full-on 3yo (I have one too I’m not judging the kid) they’re also putting up with 3 other emotional children and their emotional mother when they should just be able to focus on themselves in these last moments together. That is so selfish of you. YOU should be helping THEM! Making their lives easier. Then you go in to say you’re upset because your boyfriend needs time out to fix his own family??? Again, this is incredibly selfish of you to be angry over this. Let him go and focus on his own children. It seems from this post that that is what you should be doing too. Focus on your own family. Move out of your mothers house and get your divorce sorted. Then you can start looking outside with regards to uni and relationships. You need to simplify your childrens lives. The poor things. Their parents just seperate, they lived house, they’re watching someone in their family die, their seeing their grandmother upset over this, their mother has a new boyfriend that comes with issues and you’re fighting with their dad. Sort out your own basket first before you add anything to anyone else’s.
I’m sorry, I think I need to clarify something about my living arrangements. My parents took us in, yes, and I appreciate it a lot but the dynamics have changed. I now take care of them. I do the running around and taking them to things, I do the majority of the housework and I’m their support person. I have always been there for them and done everything for them and I wouldn’t change that. The part that makes it stressful is that they are bullying myself and my kids, they expect me to do everything but then speak to us badly.
I have my youngest in daycare 1 day a week but can’t get her in for more than that. My mum said that she wanted to look after her and that was why I enrolled.
You have to remember that before you moved in things like housework would have been minimal as it is with couples. You being there with 4 kids housework quickly becomes a major thing, as it does with a family of 5, so you and your older kids probably should be doing most or all of the housework anyway. It sounds as though they have had enough. I think you need to move.
That’s so true, my parents house is immaculate 24/7 since I moved out with my child 😂
I also did the bulk of the housework.
I can’t imagine with 4.
The boyfriend might have been a good escape from reality, but the breakup will make you focus on what’s really important, getting your own place, helping your kids settle and make roots after the break up. It would also be intense for kids to live with terminally ill grandparent and their grandmother would also be pretty beside herself, probably not great for them.
He and you are in no place to be starting a romantic relationship, he absolutely did the right thing, he is prioritising getting his life/kids on track. You should support him on that and do the same. Focus your energy where it should be.
Oh and FYI, terminal ill people usually have erratic behaviour, he’s dying.
I'm sorry you're so broken up over this man; but remember, time heals. That's so chintzy, but it's true.
Now, you're right in calling bullshit on his reason for breaking up with you - the flat truth is, he just doesn't feel the same way about you. He tried to let you down kindly by making up a crap excuse rather than just say "sorry, I'm just not feeling it".
If a man is in love with you, he'll walk through fire to get to you. No matter what else is going on in his life, you will be the #1 priority.
It's no reflection on you, so don't go off thinking "I'm not good enough" or anything else stupid like that. It's not YOUR fault, in any way. He simply doesn't feel the level of connection and emotion that you do. It's life, it happens, it's shitty.
Honestly, I think the relationship with him was a great distraction from your own problems, and that's what you miss so much.
You say you spent most of your time together helping him sort out his problems. That's not a relationship. That's an unpaid counsellor. You also say "he didn't even get to know me". Honey, you are not in love with this man. It might feel that way, you might be a little obsessed with "what could have been" - but the fact that he cut and ran when it got a little bit hard - you do not have or want a future with this man. Your problems are too big to try to hitch your wagon to a man who won't stand beside you through the tough times.
Now re the ex - get legal advice ASAP. Get the settlement / custody / whatever sorted out. Get a solicitor, legal aid, mediation, whatever it takes. Get it done so you can put that behind you and move on.
Also, move out of your parent's place ASAP. The stress will kill you all.
And re-enroll in uni, even if it's just one unit part time online. Keep doing SOMETHING. Or else you'll never go back (take it from someone who has half of 4 degrees and drops them when it gets boring).
I disagree with the number one priority and walk through fire, when you’re older and have kids, your kids become the priority.
I’ve known people recently split, start something, realise they have too much shit going on, put their kids first and end up seeing that person a few years down the track successfully.
It’s not all Disney romance in your 30s, 40s, 50s, we have baggage and other priorities.
We aren’t all selfish and put our needs before our kids.
Op, who knows wha may happen in the future when you’ve both got your shit together.
The last thing you want is to go from parents to partners house, very important to stand on your own two feet for a long while first.