How can i find ways to repay others for their help with miss 10 all the time. I’m a single mum who works 6 mornings a week from 4am-10am. (Changing job is not an option currently) Most mornings my dad takes her to school (we live with my parents) if he’s not free our neighbors whoes kids go to the school will take her and if that can’t be arranged she has two other friends we can ring on school nights and ask for a sleepover so she can make school. She often has sporting arrangements on Sundays so can’t return the favours Saturday night. Often I’ll get to come into work in the arvo and need her to go to another friends afterschool and other nights we have commitments like swimming, dance etc so can’t return favours on nights I don’t get called in. I feel bad for always asking for help when I can never return the favour - I never say no the few times I’m asked I shuffle work or my parents help out and do drop off of other kids but I feel like I’m always relying on everyone else.
27 Replies
When I help people out, I literally never expect anything in return. I do it because I can, not because I'm biding myself potential favours for the future.
I like helping people out, especially when it's something as easy as dropping their kids to school. That's no inconvenience to me as I'm going there anyway but it makes someone else's life just that little bit easier.
When people help me out I always make a point of expressing my gratitude, I feel like that's all people really want - just some appreciation and recognition.
This^^^
To me, I see a village doing what they can to take care of each other. You're all very blessed to have each other ❤️
Wow asking for a sleepover to get her to school is a huge favour. I guess just ask them how you can repay them. Let them know they are literally keeping the wheels on and your machine running.
Have a look at before and after school care, family day care or school buses for other options that don’t have you relying on other people. It does seem odd that you’re struggling so badly with one child and three adults in the house, I think at that point you have to really look at your setup as this is not working for you. I think finding the way not to need to ask if the actual answer.
Before school doesn’t open early enough- when pay allows I hire a nanny to do school drop offs but with me leaving home at 3am for work I can’t do any school runs. My parents are shift workers (police and nurses) and are on call so they can’t always help. My child wouldn’t feel comfortable home alone yet to use a bus service or she’d happily wait to go with neighbours kid so we don’t have to sleepovers.
Maybe line up a reliable teen who can come and walk her to school if it’s on the way to theirs
Sorry but I don't see why changing jobs isn't an option? Do you live in a super tiny town where that's the only job available? I was a single mum for years and I worked as well but I could never have worked those hours.
I can't speak for OP obviously but I do know it's not always as simple as just clicking your fingers and getting a new job.
Sometimes changing jobs means completely retraining or studying to gain relevant qualifications - that's not an immediate fix.
As a single mum, it has been my most biggest aim to not rely on others, to set my life up appropriately.
I work full time and have amazing parents (retired) and I don’t mind leaning on them on for out of the box problems, but not on a regular/ongoing basis.
I can’t imagine having my child sleep at a friends house so they can be driven to school in the morning.
You need to change things, gifts won’t cut it, you can’t go on like this indefinitely, are you looking for another job?
No one is saying we expect her to snap her fingers and another job will appear, that's ridiculous. But others are doing so much for her and it's not the norm to need to rely on a child to have sleepovers to get to school.
I retrained to get a job that works for me. I just couldn’t live my life as a mother without it, the stress and dropping the spinning plates all the time would be too much. And I don’t have 3 adults, there is just me. It goes on for a very long, it’s definitely worth getting set up with arrangements that work.
I did these hours for a year and then stepped into management. Sometimes the sacrifice does pay off.
I have stepped into management in my job too doing regular 9-5 hours...
You live with 2 adults and you are struggling to get her to school. Somethings gotta give. Find a new job. It is always an option to change jobs. Most of us have changed jobs before and so can you.
I think it really depends on your budget.
My MiL helped me so much when my hours were odd like yours, I'd buy her groceries in my shopping, or buy product from work for her, and gave her my car when I bought a new one.
The people that helped a little here and there weren't forgotten. Gift cards, wine, pre-paid coffee cards etc.
Poster here- Thank you they’re lovely ideas budget is normal so tight for big splurges but can do small gestures gift cars, wines etc as regular thank yous and I try to pay for their kids when I do have the chance to take them out to the zoo or movies etc just as a something
This might sound ungrateful but I am the helper of many.
I work from home and really love to help and don’t expect anything in return.
In school holidays I can have extra kids pretty much every day from a few different friends.
Sometimes I would like one of them to return the favour.
Just offer to help me.
Or maybe just not expect me to always be there because I work from home.
Understand the frequency of asking to help.
Maybe understand I am at work too, just my office is at my house.
Our house is set up that the business.
and home life can run side by side. But that doesn’t mean I am the go to person constantly.
I fully understand its hard, but really thank those who help.
If one of them do ask, try your best to help.
I found everyone is so busy the helper rarely gets helped.
This year I have actually started to say no, I can’t. I felt like I was the easy option but when I needed a hand everyone is busy.
Also understand the dynamics of the kids. Especially sleepovers.
It changes the hosts day to day running, make sure your child is following their routine with little disruption especially if its more the once a month.
If you have swimming ect…take the other child with you they can watch or just hang out.
Just a view from the other side
Thank you for your view I try to make sure I don’t say no the few times I’m asked for favours to be returned- even if it’s my mum or dad returning the favour on my behalf (they both never mind as extra kids always keep mine one out of their hair haha) I just wish I wasn’t always relying on everyone to help to make my life work 😪
Make sure the parent is ok with this.
I am only going by my experience my kids are now in year 6 and 7, I have pretty much been the helper friend for their entire life.
Once I went to pick my child up, she had been taken to an aunts place of the minder. I was furious.
I have minded her child countless times and the one time I asked and I had to drive around the world to get her.
That was the down fall of me starting to say no.
I was feeling like the baby sitter and not the friend anymore.
Never beg…..in my downfall another friend I said no to, the lil girl was getting an attitude I wasn’t loving.
The mum told me she had no other option and me thinking well I have had this kid 5 days in a row now said to the mother “I don’t dump my kid at your work for hours”
Our reason for working from home is we have 2 kids a year apart and our family live in another state.
We made our situation work for us.
I actually would love to not work in our business but thats our situation and will be till kids don’t need us.
It sounds like a rant, but I have started to shed these people because I am just expected that its ok and after years of it, its old.
Thank you no it’s definitely not sounding like a rant I appreciate your insight :)the parents are 100% okay with it it’s discussed first and they know the option for me if really needed to stay home from work to help is an option. Their kids are never taken anywhere by my parents just the school pick up/drop off and then our house no one else’s.
I make sure I never word it as a beg or that I’ve got no other option so hopefully it takes the pressure off them slightly if they want to say no and if I do really get stuck I just tell work to suck it up and either go in for an hour or two at the end when I get to before school care or take the morning off and go sorry no babysitter option- they do meet me halfway with these hours when I really get stuck with finding an option for her to get to school- as much as I hated covid and the lockdowns it made work so so easy homeschooling for two years.
You tell your work to suck it up? 😟
What in gods name is this job you do at 4 am where you can talk to your employer like that?
Is it working at horse stables?
You sound very grateful but you also sound like you're making excuses for not having other people's kids. My SIL has a bad reputation for handballing her kids onto everyone, if it was a competitive sport she would be the winner! I don't mind helping her but it used to really grind my gears when I was very restricted on what hours I could work because of lack of support but she had a shifts first, worry about kids AFTER that. It kind of guilt trips people into doing it too, like I have nobody please help! I could never work outside of daycare hours and many mums can't. Don't take advantage of those that don't have that much support and don't like asking for regular help with their kids.
I guess it comes down to inconveniencing others for your life choices.
It’s doesn’t really seem fair.
Poster here- any time I’m asked fo help with someone else’s kids I don’t say no it’s more that I can’t offer it myself- my dad will take my neighbours kid to school 2-3 mornings a week in return and any ciriculum days or public holidays I try and have sleepovers or kids for the day I love it because it keeps little miss entertained too! It’s more I feel bad always needing to rely on others and can’t freely offer anything in return
When someone asks you for help, you volunteer someone else, that’s not you helping.
That's really bad that you have to get your parents to help with other people's kids as well as yours, come on...you know this isn't working. Go on Seek and apply for jobs that are more kid friendly asap.
Helping isn’t the same as ‘they keep my kid busy’. Helping is doing it when you don’t feel like it - same as they do for you. They’re busy enough on a school night and school morning. I agree with the others, you’re the mum asking and not giving because you seem to be ok with being that.
Maybe your friends have their shit sorted, like most, and don’t need or want your help.
The key issue I see is not you not returning the favour, but you asking for the favour all the time in the first place.
However, we don’t know your friends, so don’t know how they feel and if they are tired of it.
We can’t speak for them.