I'm sure this has been asked many times, but I would appreciate some advice. I don't want to talk to my mother in law regarding this (she and I are very close and have a very good bond) as I feel it's not right to involve family in my marital issues. The problem is sex within my marriage, well the lack of. We are both young, late 20's and early 30's, we have two awesome children whom have just reached school age, husband has had a vasectomy that we both agreed on. We are now down to being 'intimate' once every 6 months. This has been going on for some time. I tried broaching this with hubby when it dwindled to once every 2 weeks or so and was met with anger, hurtful words and name calling. I still continued to initiate (I have a very high sex drie, love to be with my husband and find sex with him fun) I tried respecting him and not 'trying it on' as often, in case he felt pressured..this has backfired. He has completely forgotten about that side of our marriage. When asked about it, he complains that all I care about is sex. Although I think when a couple is down to once every 6 months, it kind of does become an issue. This is breaking my heart. He comes to bed alone, makes a point of turning his back on me each night, and has begun to completely shit me out in every way. Again, I'm hurting over this. I'm beginning to take quite the self confidence hit over this and I'm very worried that the longer this goes on, the worse it's getting. Now when I initiate it just ends in outright rejection and I feel humiliated.
7 Replies
Oh that really sucks. I think it's really time to head to marriage counselling. Hopefully hubby will open up about what is going on. Unfortunately though you can't force someone to communicate and I think his unwillingness to communicate is really the bigger issue because no compromise can be met! I probably would not broach the issue as a lack of sex issue but as a lack of communication issue as if he'd communicate with you this issue would be resolved and it's less confronting for his man hood!
I'm sorry but I find this totally unacceptable! Of roles were reversed and you didn't have sex with him for 6 months and refused to even give him a reason he'd probably be out cheating and his buddies would blame you. I think he can at least have the decency to sit you down and say "look I'm just not in the mood lately, I'm tired, I work hard" rather than just coming to bed late and turning his back on you. He at least owes you communication. It could be a list of reasons why he isn't interested. Low sex drive or hormone imbalance, extreme fatigue. Of course there are other possibilities but I'm sure to leave that to you to look into. Anyway I would sit him down and tell him how unhappy you are! Your a woman who has needs! Needs he is not meeting! It might sound harsh but come on I would suggest going to see a counsellor or seeing a gp to get blood work done. Are you sure he's not on any medication for anxiety or anything some meds can account for total lack of sex drive. If he continues to refuse to do either I don't know what else to say. I personally wouldn't be able to stay with a man that wouldn't have sex with me unless there were environmental or medical reasons why! I need it atleast every 2 weeks but preferably 4 times a week.
is it possible he is suffering mentally over the snip? I know its hard to get men to counselling nut it might be the go. Even if he just talks to his GP about it himself? I have a low SD and would probably go 6 mths easy without, it just gets pushed to the back and I don't even think about it so I know it can be hard to rise to the occasion when requested, but my husband would never let me get away with that. Maybe start donning some outfits to grab his attention, physical contact during the day that is not sexual, touching his arm, small kiss as you walk past. We fell into a rut where we were just so busy we were just room mates who had sex because it was my wifely duty, we had to work at it but it has improved heaps in the last few moths. Good luck!
Im so sorry that you are dealing with this. The fact that he won't even talk about the issue is quite concerning. Where does that leave you? His behaviour is very unfair. I agree with you, its a massive issue, I've been there with my partner, but he was always willing to talk, plus in my case it was medication. I know exactly how it feels to be rejected by the partner that you love, it hurts pretty bad. Maybe he doesnt know why he's not in the mood, thats why he refuses to talk about it?? but something needs to give, can you let him know how bad this is affecting you??
Hugs to you. You are not alone. Your hubby sounds like a younger version of mine. I've been in the same situation as you for 22 years of marriage. I can understand your feelings of hurt, rejection, humiliation, loneliness & lack of self-esteem - I've had them all too. I also agree that whilst sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, it is vital to keeping a relationship an intimate one & not just another friendship. We married at 21 & 24 years old and I had no idea of his low sex drive beforehand (mine is high). It started at every 2 weeks, then gradually to once a month, then slowly over the years has got to a point where it's now only once every year or two (if I'm lucky). We've also had similar arguments to yours with him saying all I care about is sex, name calling, anger etc and yes, he shuts me out too. He's voluntarily been tested by our GP for low testosterone, thyroid etc but the results always come back fine. It's just how he is, he simply doesn't have the urge and not having sex doesn't bother him at all. He had hoped I would get used to it as time passed but I haven't. He still loves me and as much as I hate the lack of sex, I still love him and, while my GFs say that I'm the one person that if I was to have an affair, they would completely understand, I haven't gone down that path yet. You will need to find your own way to cope. Counselling may help (it didn't for us), so may medication (it didn't for us) but otherwise I use high intensity exercise to burn off energy & sex toys when I need to (it's not the same but for me it's a preferred option to having an affair or getting a divorce - we have 2 school aged children). Best of luck. It's not easy or ideal, but it is possible to live with. x
It bothers me that there is a stigma around the female not wanting sex when myself and many female friends are in the same boat, our husbands and partners are the ones not wanting it! Over the last year, talking about the lack of sex life, we have come to the conclusion that he has lost his sex drive. We are now embarking on a healthier lifestyle (less booze etc) and going to go to a Dr to get some medical advice. It was difficult for my husband to open up and admit as he was angry at himself for not satisfying me, so every time I bought up the subject or 'tried it on' I would end up either rejected or in a massive fight! I have no answers for you, only to empathise and maybe when you have the answers let me know!
My sex life with my husband became pretty much non existant too. He has mental health issues. Depression, possible bipolar disorder, and definitely a family history of all the above. Hubby was also a huge drinker. Since giving up drinking and getting on antidepressant tablets, our relationship is a billion times better and our sex life is better than it has been our whole married life. Good luck!