Hi IM’s.
I wrote in a few months ago about me having a stalker in the past that involved the police and a fellow school mum triggering me by following me, copying my hair and my likes, calling me all through school holidays etc. I’ve been nothing but nice to this mum but I think my niceness was an invitation to her to message me constantly through school holidays, call me and leave weird silent voicemails, park right near me at every school pick up and if she couldn’t park beside me she would park behind me so I couldn’t leave til she did, follow me around the school and bitch to me about her kids friends and their mums. (Grade 2). Before the school holidays, she backed off. I took everyone’s advice and ignored her messages and tried parking elsewhere because she was such a trigger for me and she did back off for a few weeks. But come school holidays, she was messaging me again and practically begging for a play date. (She knew we were away and I also don’t feel comfortable with how obsessed she is with having my child over). Fast forward and we get back to school and she starts parking as close to me as possible again but this time I feel like she’s just playing games. She has started walking into the school and is now bringing my kids out with her so that I can not avoid her. I’ve told my kids they are not to leave the school gate if I’m not there and they are not to go with any other parent and this mum has obviously noticed I’m trying to avoid her so she’s now bringing my kids out so that she can follow me to my car and carry on the way she does in such a negative way. She will also stand right up at the window/door smoking and letting the smoke fill my car with my 12 month old in it. That alone makes me really angry because she doesn’t have the decency to wait or at least move from my car. I’ve had advice from others that I’ve tried to follow but Unfortunately picking my kids up from another side doesn’t always work as every time I’ve started picking them up the other side, she follows and starts parking that side too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve changed where I park and she has followed me. I even started parking behind the school where hardly any parents park (and there’s no gate that side) and she found me and started parking there too. She’s even getting her child to copy everything my child does. Hair, lunches, drink bottles, even shoes. The last 2 days I’ve parked the other side and today her child started following my child and said “mum knew you were parking this side”. I just feel like it’s borderline harassment/stalking and I’m now considering changing my phone number as I’m sick to death of the many missed calls and messages. I now feel sick when I see her car pull up and I also feel sick because I have to try to confront her about it but it’s getting to the point now that I’m finding it very hard to be nice. My anxieties are turning into anger. It’s like she’s trying to force a friendship upon us but she’s not getting the hint that she makes me extremely uncomfortable with her following and messaging and she’s now taking it a step too far by bringing my kids outside the school gates. How do I go about this? It’s not just the messages and calls and the following and copying me but it’s also the fact she’s a very negative person who loves to bitch about fellow mums and their kids and I don’t want my child at her house anymore. Please help, I would never intentionally be horrible to a fellow mum but this lady has been relentless and nasty and she’s not someone I want to associate with or feel comfortable with. You know the feeling you get about someone you just can’t seem to shake? I just want to pick my kids up without feeling so anxious.
School mum still won’t back off
School mum still won’t back off
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
12 Replies
I haven't been through this before but I used to park at a shopping centre away from the school so that I could get some exercise by walking and it was good for the kids to learn to cross the road and judge car speeds etc. The school car park was on the other side of the school so I avoided it altogether and the kids met me at a different gate. Maybe you could do something like this? Also just tell her not to take your kids out of the gate, you're trying to teach them personal safety so they can only leave with you.
You’re like me, you’re too nice and put up with too much but probably like me, you end up exploding, sometimes saying some nasty things.
So what I suggest, honestly, is not wait until you blow up (I’m trying to do this myself), say something now.
The way she has acted, you definitely don’t want to be friends, but ask her to back off a bit.
What you want is her permanently gone.
So you just going to have to say it.
The fact she bitches about the other mums is because they too have had to deal with it and put her back in her box.
You clearly aren’t alone in this problem.
So rehearse what you’re going to say and just do it.
Your kids don’t deserve their mum to be so anxious ridden and neither do you.
Something along the lines of........please do not bring my children out of school, you do not have my permission. Please do not smoke on this side, where my 12 month old is sitting. Ive had enough of your negativity and pushiness, please leave me alone.
I can tell you, this nothing she would not have heard before.
Good luck, be strong mama bear xxxx
First and foremost, I'd be speaking to your children's teachers and the principal to let them know that this woman is collecting your children from the school grounds - make it clear she doesn't have permission to do this. That's really quite alarming and the school needs to be aware this is happening as they have a duty of care!
Secondly, you might just have to be really blunt and tell her to leave you alone then block her number, block her socials and stop entertaining any communication.
Stand firm and don't let her relentless pestering wear you down.
If she continues to stand at your window smoking, leave your window up and do your best to ignore her. If she starts to block your car in again, call the police.
That might sound extreme but her behaviour is edging right into harassment territory and you've been too patient already.
I know a mother her name starts with B who was like this, it sounds exactly like her, it gives me the creeps. once people cut her off she would move on to the next one. Change cars and all, like other mothers. Tell her striaght do no smoke near my car. Do not bring my kids out, even though you may have good intentions, do not do it. Start getting your kids to go out the other way and park on opposite sides. Speak with the school. This mother may be crying out for some help too so tread carefully, she could be in an abusive relationship and trying to find a friend to confide in, anything. Be very honest with her though and cut it.
Thankyou ladies, unfortunately every time I’ve started picking my kids up the other side, she follows and starts parking that side too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve changed where I park and she has followed me. I even started parking behind the school where hardly any parents park (and there’s no gate that side) and she found me and started parking there too. She’s even getting her child to copy everything my child does. Hair, lunches, drink bottles, even shoes. I just feel like it’s borderline harassment/stalking and I’m now considering changing my phone number as I’m sick to death of the many missed calls and messages.
Weird! I think you may have to be blunt with her so she gets the message. If you find it hard to do it face to face do it by text.
I haven't been through this, but she may not understand it and she requires you to flat out tell her you don't want to be her friend.
Perhaps you've been too nice to her (like I would have been) and she's now taken it as you're besties.
Is there a kiss and drop at your kids school? Try that. That way, you don't get out of the car and your kids stay with a teacher until your car arrives to pick them up.
I would definitely be speaking to the school principal first. They may be able to give you some insight if other parents have had to deal with this.
Have you got someone who you trust, who you can set up a meeting with this other woman and your friend in a coffee shop and be very frank? I think it’s important that you’ve got support to do this
If you do do this, I think it’s important that you do tell the school your plans so they can be aware of any nastiness towards your kids, both by this mother and her kids
I am writing this anonymously as I went through a similar thing years ago. This woman took an instant like to me, we had a play date as both her kids were the same age as mine. Her kids were really lovely. The red flags went up when she opened a bottle of champagne and proceeded to get drunk at 2.00pm in the afternoon, encouraging me to do the same thing. When I left, she said 'talk to you tomorrow hon'.
Then the constant text messages and phone calls started and invitations for dinner, movies and girls days out. I kept telling her I was busy but that never put her off. I ended up blocking her in every way I could, and then she would ask a mutual friend/school Mum who hadn't yet realised what she was like, why I wasn't speaking to her. The best thing was that she never knew where I lived. She would get her kids to ask my kids for a play and I ended up having to tell them that I didn't feel comfortable with their Mum. She would constantly ask them over for sleepovers. If she got drunk on a play date, imagine what she would be like on a sleepover?
How I ended up getting away from her? We moved schools, not because of her but we moved suburbs.
I am like you and never want to hurt people's feelings. Most of my friends said 'Tell her to back the f@ck off!' I actually had to do a lot of visualisation and meditation around this as my anxiety levels were so high. I text her saying that I am very busy and not available for the type of friendship she needs. I told her that I have friends I have had for a very long time and I don't see them often and they understand this. I wished her luck. After this, she rang straight away and text and text. I realised at this point that she would never get it and wad completely unstable. I told the school and also warned the kids to never go with her, and ignore her if she spoke to them. I re-blocked her and thankfully have not run into her since. It helps that we just moved interstate.
I was once that school mum. I think I was in love with this other woman and no matter how badly she treated me (which I know now was her avoiding me) I kept forgiving her and tried to be as loving and caring as I could. When I finally had the courage to tell her how I felt I realised not only did she not love me but she did not even like me as I made her so uncomfortable. Please please please have an honest conversation with her. Tell her clearly you do not want to be friends with her. Tell her she makes you uncomfortable. Tell her you want to be left alone. If that does not work then involve the school and police in that order. All the best x
Tell the teachers and principal that your not friends with this lady and she has been taking your kids out of the school grounds without your permission. And that she IS NOT a designated, signed off etc person to pickup your children. Get the school involved and say that you do not want your kids going out of school grounds with her..or anyone else for that matter and that you want your kids supervised by a teacher until you pick them up.
Unfortunetly your going to have to stop being nice and set your boundaries even more. You need to tell her off…and who cares if she thinks your a bitch or something….better to keep you and your kids safe. Remember she’s not a friend to you so don’t let her opinion of you affect you. She CLEARLY has the issue, not you.
Good luck! Xo
I hope you are okay! This woman sounds scary!
Any updates?
Have you spoken with the school?
I would honestly be making that my first priority that your kids do not leave their classroom without either school staff, or you.
I would be asking them to help by having your children brought to the office every afternoon for a few weeks.
Also, what time of day do you get to the school for pickup? I find it more convenient sometimes to wait until 5-10 minutes after the bell when lots have cleared out already. This way could help so you're avoiding having her come and find you. You can then park away from her because you'll be able to see where she is parked.