Is it normal for a married man with young kids to get a female work bestfriend, help her separate from her partner and move her into a new home, and then almost immediately start going to her house alone often multiple times a week sometimes for hours on end. Even if his wife says she's not comfortable with it and that it's crossing her boundaries and leaving her feeling insecure, disrespected and neglected, and his response is that there shouldn't be any boundaries because as long as he's not sleeping with the friend there should be no issue. He thinks boundaries are just a form of control. So he has continued to visit the woman alone and tried to organise a movie night/sleepover.
Keeping in mind him and his friend see each other regularly at work and message very frequently, almost constantly, throughout the day on his days off.
He was friends with this woman for around a year with little to no issues but has now gotten super intense and has started being kind of sneaky about it all, which he claims is because he feels controlled and doesn't want to deal with his wife's emotions since they're apparently unreasonable.
The woman is also aware that the wife isn't okay with it and is still encouraging the visits, but she is not the focus of the question.
The wife has been made out to feel overly insecure, untrusting, overreacting, kind of controlling, and kind of mentally unstable due to not being okay with it.
Overreacting or gaslighting?
Overreacting or gaslighting?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
18 Replies
I think you know you're not over reacting, but I'll say it anyway -
They're not friends. He's sleeping with her, or trying to. He's probably trying her out to see if he wants to leave you for her. The controlling talk is to shut you up.
At the very, very least his openly disrespectful behaviour & disregard for your feelings, plus spending time with her instead of you means you don't rate highly.
Even if you can get him to cut her off, there'll be another.
Get your ducks in a row and boot him out. You're worth more. Much, much more. Remember that when he's calling you names - he's the unstable one. You're just fine.
Yeah big fat NOPE. He has no boundaries because either he cheats and wants you to ‘trust him’ while he does it (don’t underestimate their gall) or it means he has no boundaries and won’t see it coming when ‘oops now they’re soul mates in love and hes leaving for her’
Whenever this question comes up, whether to be worried about husbands friendship with a woman I suggest to compare it with his male friendships. Is it the same, are they doing the same things and contacting the same as if she was one of his male friends? If yes, give him the benefit of the doubt. If no, then something else is going on other than friendship. It does all sound a bit suss and he could be very innocent in it all but she might have other ideas. Ask that you tag along if they have nothing to hide they won't have an issue.
There is more to it. He is a dirty dog.. they aren’t just friends! you already know that. Get rid of him.
Cheater alert 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sweetheart your not over reacting.
It’s time for you to leave or to leave him!
Know your worth! This is definitely gaslighting and it is absolutely not control issue. This is a boundary crossing issue. It’s more likely than not they have already slept or are sleeping together.
Take care of yourself! Try to be selfish in the way you move forward!
He is treating you for a fool and keeping you for back up, incase things don’t work out with her. He is a scumbag! She isn’t much better but he is the scumbag here.
NOT OVER REACTING BUT BEING TOO NICE. CHANGE THE LOCKS LIKE YESTERDAY GIRL AND GET RID OF THIS LYING, CHEATING, FILTH.
No man doing that would last 1 minute with me. He is playing you for a fool. Stop allowing it and putting up with it. Show him the door. Enough is enough. He is doing what he can get away with. Get tough, stand tall and strong and show this creep, what you are worth and what you deserve and it’s to see the back of him and live happily ever after.
Give the loser a helping hand.
Drop his shit off at her house, and hope like hell he fucking stays there!
Couldn't respect someone that thought I was that stupid. Without respect there no trust, without trust there's no relationship.
If he has a sleepover, change the locks while he's gone! No woman will ever think this is ok, you are not being dramatic or controlling.
You have told them both you are not comfortable with it and they are both ignoring you. Also if husband doesn't want any boundaries then set him free so he doesn't have any!!!
He’s cheating on you, 100%
Whether or not they’ve had sex (yet) is irrelevant because to me, this actually sounds worse and that they have lots of emotional connection.
A huge red flag is also that he has such little respect for you and that she takes up so much of his availability (physical and emotional).
I’m so sorry to say this but he has checked out with you and has moved on with her.
Oh no. I felt ill reading this. He is in an emotional relationship with this woman, even if it is not physical which I highly doubt. He is having an emotional affair and trying to bully you into being okay with it. He is definitely gaslighting you. Please get the support you need and do not give him one more moment of oxygen wasting time to convince you he is being honourable. You deserve to be respected, if your feelings are being hurt they come before his relationship with her! I want to scream at him for you ((hugs))
Absolutely you are not any of those things you are being made to feel.
I would feel exactly the same as you.
If you tell someone that you don't like something or that you feel uncomfortable with something and they do nothing to change their behaviour then that is not on.
You are doing nothing wrong.
I'm sorry I don't have a solution but I just want to let you know you are not the one in the wrong. Stay strong x
There is absolutely no way my husband would be spending more time with a work friend after work then he does at home with his wife and kids.
I would test the movie night/sleep over by tell him you are going to have one on the same night with one of your good male friends. So how well that goes down.
But really I would let him have the sleep over and go about changing all the locks to your house and leave his clothes of the front or even drop them over to her house
Even if he is not sleeping with her, it’s an emotional bond that he has formed!
He is showing no respect to you and your concerns!
This in itself is not ok in a relationship, so even taking out the cheating, it’s not a marriage worth fighting for.
He has shown there are no boundaries that concern you and you need to kick him to the curb!
You deserve better! He is showing you no respect
Kick his arse to the kerb
He does not respect his wife you
This behaviour is unacceptable
No one in their right mind should ever act this way
What a low act both of them not just him
Hmmm now that this is 4 months on, I’d like to know what has happened over time.