How do black sheep of families, deal with being treated so differently to siblings.
I am always so hurt. I don’t know what else to do other than limit contact. I love family but I am torturing myself when I’m treated differently.
I have always felt like my mother resents me for some reason, like I remind her of someone or something she can’t stand. It shows in how she treats me.
Most times after I speak with her, I get off the phone and cry. She would never speak to my siblings the way she speaks to me. I’ve Always listened to her putting me down and lifting them up. It’s so painful. I no confidence.I stand up to her and we argue.
I can no longer cope and think my only solution would be no contact. Any tips? Speaking with her about it, isn’t an option.
Anyone else feel like this and how do you deal with it? Siblings are close with her so I’m out on my own here. My dad passed away 2 years ago, we were close. Does every family have a black sheep?
15 Replies
There's a difference between a black sheep and a scapegoat. A black sheep is the different one, in a family of footballers you might be the gamer. Or a family of meat eating hunters you would be the strict vegan animal activist. It's someone who is different and the rest of the family leaves you out of things or is disappointed in you because of that. OA scapegoat is someone who cops everyone's crap. Something missing, blame the scapegoat. Bad mood, take it out on the scapegoat. I think what you are is your mums scapegoat. Tell her how you feel, she may be doing this without realising as a way of grieving. Maybe you remind her of something, even herself. Talk to her and if she makes no effort to treat you better then distance yourself for your own mental health.
Thank you for this advice
I and never thought of the word scapegoat but since googling it, this is exactly right. Thanks
I was closer to my father and he passed away many years ago. My mother and siblings had regular catch ups and I was not included. Then I was attacked with my sisters garbage. It used to hurt but I did distance myself and create closer relationships with friends and we would help each other out. I think you know the answer it's just the guilt that keeps us there. It's time for you to prioritise and value yourself they way they do not. That isn't something to feel guilty about. It's now about building boundaries and making it clear about what you will and will not tolerate. They do not have the right to disrespect you no matter who they are. It's easy for us to recognise this with friends but we keep getting guilted when it comes to family. When your mum starts on you, shut it down. You do not have to be confrontational or direct. Just excuse yourself e.g. "I have to go" and eventually she will start to get the hint that you will not allow her to treat you that way or maybe she will not... but either way you will feel better x
Thank you for your advice. It’s really helpful. I am feeling quite down today. it’s nice to know that someone understands.
We actually bought a black sheep…..I know not everyone can do that, but it makes me giggle.
We stopped contact, lived happily ever after
Hahaha 😀
My mom has favorites. There's a lot of jealousy and she lies. I agree, scapegoat vs black sheep is a fine line.
Any time my mom bad mouths someone else, I tend not to engage further or give advice. Then if she continues, I tell her "I am not comfortable participating in this conversation and think it's best you speak to that person directly or someone else who doesn't mind listening to this sort of personal thing."
Or I say "look mom, thanks for the chat but I really have to go."
As the scapegoat/black sheep in my family it is hard. Going no contact means you may lose a lot of family even some family friends. I am really lucky in the fact that most of my siblings are very aware of parental behaviour that has caused me to go no contact. One sibling is just as bad as my parents and another is a little too scared as they rely on our parents for all things but I don’t begrudge either of them. It can be hard to know you’re in a toxic environment especially as the “favourite” or golden child. I know because for a few months I was once and it was heaven.
But I’m a year no contact with parents and worst sibling. It is peaceful now. I spent a lot of my life wondering if it was me. If I was unloveable. But there are people who love me. People who don’t even have to live me. They do. It still hurts sometimes. My siblings may mention something and I’m like I miss that. But I wouldn’t trade the peace and trust in myself I have now for the way o felt then just to have my parents.
I am the same. It’s time for me to let go now, mentally I can’t do it anymore. Thank you for sharing this. It reassures me that it isn’t just me. I’ve always wondered why & it hurts.
Also sibling is awful and what they say goes. I cop the brunt of it every single time. It could be plain obvious what my sibling said or done towards me and I cop it, no questions asked. I cut that sibling off.
I THINK it's been about 10 years since I stopped contact with my incubator; I don't know exactly how many years because I rarely think of it. Never got along with brother, wife beating misogynist, I stayed in contact (sporadically) with sister until maybe 12 months ago. At that time I had 2 boys, 1 being extremely close to it (remains close to this day) my dad (my best friend, biggest supporter, unconditional love, best dad and pop in the WORLD passed almost exactly 3 yrs ago) I never stopped my sons from seeing it or their aunt, uncle, cousins. Brother and brother in law used to talk about me, put me down etc in front of my boys (not surprising given what cowards they are) they stopped talking about me in front of them when the boys were older (17, 12 ish) and basically told them if they said 1 more word things would become physical (realising they would end up on their arses, layed out by 2 teens and being the hero's they are they immediately stopped) it didn't stop the entire family talking about me, they did, constantly, as long as they were talking about me, no one was talking about them. Oh the secrets I could spill but I haven't and I won't. My incubator told me I was fat, ugly, a mistake, her thoughts and she would say it often that no one should have more than 2 children and when I would point out I was the third she would say "exactly" (what a charmer!) Anyway point is after my ridiculously long post is that whilst a bit hard to get used to and I believe a period of grieving (I don't think anyone ever wants to cut contact with family, family should be a person's "safe space") it makes life so much more peaceful, surround yourself with people who do love you, understand it is not a "you" problem, it's definitely a "them" or "her" problem. Like I said at the start I don't know exactly how long I stopped contact because it's just not on my radar, I am not angry, I don't hate it, I'm pretty much indifferent. I definitely do not regret it.
I'm the only person in my family that isn't religious, its always driven my parents mental, they have said some awful things in my time.
I distanced myself for a while, but used their judgment as motivation.
I came back guns blazing, drew a really clear line in the sand about how I expected to be treated and what topics were off the table. Its taken alot of time to get where we are today. At times my parents still say stupid stuff. But because I took the time to grow confidence in who I am as a person I'm able to remind them of what's appropriate and move on.
My family is “blended”, my step parent and parent, and my bio parent passed many years ago.
I am the only child between my parents so an obvious choice for the black sheep.
I often see them catching up with my half siblings (all though I’ve never thought of them as half), hanging out with their grandkids but not mine.
Mine and my partners other sides of the family really love us- so I’ve decided it’s a them problem 😂
I’ve distanced my family from theirs as much as I can and only really catch up on special occasions. Facebook will tell you a story that we’re all very close but I’m very much on my own with my kids. I don’t have the energy to keep up the facade. You’re not alone, just a lot of families won’t admit it
I’m the family outcast! My brother is an a**hole to me and puts me down in front of my hole family, even extended family and the second I respond I’m the trouble maker! He even makes comments about me to my kids and wonders why they don’t say hi and my mum just says oh you know what he’s like he’s just a grumpy person etc.
I have a complicated relationship with my mum, sometimes I feel close to her, the next I feel it’s all fake and only to benefit her.
My other brother and I have only really started speaking the last few years and whenever I talk to him without it been at a family get together my mum gets angry or almost protective of him. Asks why I spoke to him, tells me not to bother him, like I’m not worthy of a relationship with him.
The best thing I’ve done is to only have contact when I’m ready and mentally able to deal with their crap! I refuse to be near my oxygen thief of a brother and I vent and get support from my htb,
My dad passed away many years ago. This is just how it’s always been and whilst it hurts and takes time, I’ve learnt I get to control what I accept