Hi all.
I have a almost four year old son.
His father least seen him at 11 months old.
Over the past 3 years I’ve only messaged in regards to our son .
Inviting him to needle appointments, first hair cuts, milestones or medical even advising him of his son having covid.
I used to send photos also but stopped about 2 years ago.
The ex has two other children whom he has 50/50 custody of.
At the beginning he started mediation with me but covid hit and it went on the back burner.
He has never responded to any of my messages except his girlfriend threatened “legal action (avo I took it as) if I continued to message-please note nothing personal was ever messaged and they were random messages months apart, no snide remarks it was simple hi-doctors appointment 3pm if you’d like to come.
Or hì “advising he has covid” so no wrong doing on my behalf.
My question is at what point would a judge not allow him visitation? I’m concerned once my son turns 5 and can have overnights he may want some custody- despite no contact. Is there a timeframe where a court will just say mate-you have been a deadbeat you can’t just walk back in your a stranger.
Thank you
5 Replies
Unfortunately being a dead beat parent is not a reason for the courts to say no custody. If he really wanted overnight he could have already started that, there's no age on it they take other things into consideration. It would also go through mediation before court which he could have already started too. I would honestly just stop texting him, I know you're doing the right thing if he was a caring Dad but he clearly isn't. He doesn't deserve the updates.
No if he tried he could get it Because he’s the father and the kids always want their parent to act right, they’ll give them a million chances. But he won’t get it instantly, he’ll have to be introduced and it’ll need to be through supervised visits building up slowly and if you just leave that all to him to work out and don’t help at all, it’s usually too hard for them. Especially if he lives far away then he can’t really do it anyway.
And if he does, then he will have proven he’s capable and reliable and responsible and him being present long term will actually be in the child’s best interest.
The losers know they won’t keep it up and don’t bother.
So don’t stress yourself, I know it’s something that is very scary, but honestly theyre usually all talk but rarely do it.
It’s time for you to stop trying to involve him.
If dad decided he does want we relationship they don’t just get to start overnight visits. It’s done in a systematic way. So supervised in a park for an hour or so, then gradually building over time.
It doesn’t sound like he wants a relationship though, and I’d keep all the records that you’ve tried to get him involved, just in case. But stop trying now.
I'm not sure where you got the "once son turns 5 and can have overnights" comes from. He could have from the beginning. But he didn't. And he more than likely won't. Going through family court is hell. I spent 4 years through it. Its never a simple yes or no answer. There are twists and turns and confusing unexpected results.
IF your ex wants any form of time spent with your son and you're not in agrreance, mediation is the first point anyway. You are better off figuring it out in mediation. BUT worry about that hurdle IF it happens...I doubt it will...he clearly isn't interested in a relationship with your son.
It's really hard to have any kind of visitation rights revoked. I know some dads who were/are perpetrators of DV and some who are still in the grips of addiction and even they are allowed supervised visitation.
Unfortunately your ex's lack of involvement isn't enough to cancel out his parental rights, he could decide to go for custody tomorrow if he wanted to. Now, it's really unlikely any judge would simply hand him 50/50 or overnights immediately but he would allocated some visitation, probably with the expectation that visitation would increase with time as their relationship develops but they aren't just gonna be like "Sorry Sir, you're a deadbeat so you can't see your kid".
Please consider getting some proper legal advice though.