Hi lovely ladies, hoping for advice on relationship problems with husband...I love my husband but just don't like him as a person. He continually jokes with and makes fun of people and then when the other person reacts, he ends up in an argument. It is like he does this on purpose but he says that he doesn't. When this happens, people tend to pull away and I feel that I am losing everyone close to me. He is a hypocrite and goes off about people who do exactly the same thing as him. When I say something he says I am having a go at him when he has had a go at someone else close to us for the exact same thing. He says he doesn't like drama but all the drama comes from him. I am a pretty chilled person and feel this is going against who I am. When something happens, he just goes on and on and rehashes it over and over where I just let things go. He has always been like this but as time has gone on the more it bugs me and I feel like I love him less and less to the point where I dream about leaving for a stress free life. It tires me out and makes me sad. I have tried to talk to him but he turns it around and puts the blame on me. I'm not sure what I am asking.. do I leave? It is like one day I woke up and things were different, was I blind to love and now I can see exactly what he is really like. This is my second marriage and things have been great in the past.
5 Replies
He sounds like a narcissist! i wouldn’t cope with it. I would think about leaving if you want a life free of it. He won’t change anytime soon. Sounds like it’s him and it’s here to stay.
While I definitely agree it sounds like a cluster b personality disorder, I'm hesitant to go straight to NPD. I think asd is also a possibility, maybe co-occuring. It's hard to know with this little information. If he just changed one day and started being like this after being a certain way for a long time, then none of the above is relevant and it may be some other mental/health disorder.
OP, Google how to deal with a family member with a cluster b personality disorder (it will show you mostly about BPD, but it's still relevant), see if any of it resonates and it should provide insight and suggestions on how you can deal with it if you choose to stay.
I wish you all the best, whatever you choose x
thanks for your info
It is affecting your life so it's fair to leave if he won't change.
Slightly off topic but still the same, I have really noticed that so many men have toxic traights like this. I spent most of my teens and 20's surrounded by bitchy women so I always thought of men as more chilled, less bitchy. Then I moved to a town and I have no female friends here, only men and they are the worst! So much gossiping, dick swinging and arrogance. I think there's been so much focus on women being the bitchy sex that we are slowly improving but men can't see how toxic they are because it's only women that act like that apparently. Whenever someone says they prefer to be friends with men because there's less drama I just eyeroll! Are you sure lol.
My mum is like this, she has some diagnosed mental health issues which I believe plays a part some of it is just personality though.
She's extremely confrontational and critical of other people but she doesn't think she is. Like your husband she makes jokes that are actually personal jabs then she wonders why people are upset with her. She's also a massive hypocrite.
Recently she was going on (and I mean going onnn) about people who are always late and how arrogant it is - this is a woman who has never once in her life been on time, she got fired from her last job for consistently arriving up to an hour late but her boss was the asshole 🙄
Unreliable people are another thing that cheeses her off but she's the most unreliable person I've actually ever met. None of us will even make plans with her anymore because it's more likely she won't be turning up. She has many a time promised her grandchildren she'll come visit then not show up.
Yet if you call her out on any of this she won't hear of it or we're picking on her for no reason.
So I can relate to how embarrassing and exhausting it is but I don't think I could be with a partner like this because dealing with my mum is bad enough.
He has no intention of changing because he sees no problem. I think you need to prioritise your own happiness at this point.