My husband and I have been together for over 10 years and have two young kids.
He’s a very hard worker and a great dad.
But he drinks. I’m pretty certain he’s an alcoholic but he doesn’t believe he has a problem. I’ve found hidden empty stubbies, cans and wine bottles more times than I can count. He will drink a minimum of 6-8 beers every night and they’re only the ones I see. Weekends is a lot more. It has definitely distanced us dramatically over the last few years as I just can’t stand it but I always believe him when he says he’ll ‘cut back’.
What do you think is a reasonable amount to drink every night?
If I ask him to stop completely I know he will resent me but if he doesn’t stop then I will resent him. I’m so torn with how to handle this.
I think my husband is an alcoholic
I think my husband is an alcoholic
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Relationships & Marriage
3 Replies
My husband is an alcoholic and he says the same. My husband doesn’t drink as much as your husband but would have Atleast 2-3 beers every night , it’s the fact that he can’t go without it any day, he needs it. Some days on a weekend he has started drinking at 9.30-10 am he doesn’t get drunk because he is so used to it and usually drinks the same thing. I have found hidden bottles too. He goes for a walk , he takes a beer with him. He is always needing one. Hardly see him without one. It drives me nuts! I have had many arguements and left with my kids over it. It’s disgusting and puts me off completely. I can see it affecting him and his moods. Sometimes he gets worse but he ends up pulling back because I will leave. He works very hard and I don’t deny him alcohol but when I can see the affects on him and my family, im done.
From a medical standpoint, it's recommended that a person drinks no more than 10 standard drinks a week and no more than 4 standard drinks per day.
Given that most bottled beers are about 1.3 - 1.5 standard drinks, he's drinking his weekly allocation on a nightly basis, which means he's drinking about 6 times the amount that is safely recommended and that's only taking the alcohol into consideration that he's consuming openly.
That is a problem.
Then there's the financial impact. He must be spending a lot of money. I feel like we're all feeling the pinch when it comes to the cost of living at the moment. So purchasing alcohol at such an excessive rate would really annoy me too.
Unfortunately, you'll need to decide where your line in the sand is going to be and how much of this you're willing to tolerate because addicts don't change if they dont see an issue. He'll need to acknowledge the problem and want to get help, he's far from that point currently. Sometimes it takes losing everything and reaching rock bottom before that realisation comes.
So just be prepared for that.
If you want to try it, get him to stop drinking after work but still keep weekends. Even if to get there he has to slowly cut back each night. Attend AA and AA family support meetings. Talk to his doctor, ask them to organise a catch up with him to identify any mental health issues behind it. Low self esteem, depression, anxiety etc are just the start of what could be going on in there. Cold turkey can be dangerous, all you want is recognition of the issue and a gradual reduction to a sustainable level. Even if the eventual goal is nil, it will take time.
Describe how his drinking effects your life, and your kids.
You can't go out with friends because you feel if one of the kids got hurt or fell ill he'd be unable to take care of the situation.
You can't ever let your hair down and have a few because he will never be the designated driver.
You miss out on outings together, and family outings, because he chooses to stay home and drink.
The money could cover those dancing lessons for Jenny, or cricket club for Ben that you've had to say no to.
Low intimacy. No fun in sex when your man is too pissed, you're lucky to get half a hard-on and get bored while they're pounding away for hours on end. And there's no attention to detail. "No, that's my belly button dude". Finding the clit? Forget that, he's lucky to find a tit and it's right there in front of him.
And those are just a few. Take your time. Put the twist on them so it's not about him, it's about the effects of the drinking.
If he's willing, help redirect that routine. When he gets home have stuff organised. The kind of stuff that leaves little room for thinking about booze. Play games as a family, if he needs both hands (like operating a controller, catching a ball) even better. Go out and make him the driver so he can't drink. It doesn't have to be far, drive to the exercise park for a walk.
You'll see in time if he's actually trying. The fact he's hiding empties means he subconsciously accepts that he's going overboard.