I need some help with how to address a situation with a friend. Sorry it's a bit of a long one. I am not the best at dealing conflict or speaking up and in general have struggled with friendships and social situation my whole life so I'm asking for genuine advice on how to address it with my friend.
I am a single mum to 3 children (aged 2-6), a friend of mine L is also my neighbour and a single mum to 1 child who has behavioural issues (3). L has started working recently and asked my to help take her daughter to daycare twice a week (as she starts work at 7am) Originally saying she would bring her daughter over at 6.30am. I was fine and had no issues with it as drop off isn't out of my way for my children's school.
However I am struggling to handle her daughter in the house in the morning. L has been dropping her daughter off at 5.50 not 6.30 . L's daughter is a handful in general( I love them both and this is not a judgement) often combative, aggressive and lashes out at my children or myself. Will throw toys, push, scream and kick about getting dressed eating breakfast etc etc.
I have stopped allowing her into my older sons room (4&6) because she was breaking things on purpose or ruining pictures they had made etc.
L has confronted me about not letting her daughter in my older sons room (I just shut the door and let her play in the playroom instead) sayings her daughter was upset by it and it wasn't fair. I explain why and she said I should just move everything so she can't break it. I think that's unfair and unrealistic.
Given all of this over a number of weeks I no longer think I can help her in the morning. It is becoming very frustrating for me on the mornings I do it and I'm really struggling to cope on top of my responsibilities and going to work. I feel like a shit friend, I don't want to ruin our friendship over this.
I know I'm going back on saying I would help and it would be frustrating but I cannot deal with the behaviour on top of having to get ready for my day at work and my kids ready for school as well.
What would you do? How would you approach it?
7 Replies
You're not a shit friend, you're a very patient one!
Your friend is taking advantage of you.
She's dropping her child off 40 minutes before the agreed time, as a parent of a child who has challenging behaviour I would never do this. I would also completely understand if my child was restricted from bedrooms, I wouldn't be carrying on about how unfair it was!
I also would completely understand if a friend of mine could no longer provide childcare for my high needs child and I'd make that clear from the start, it is a huge ask.
I think you're well within your rights to say "I'm really sorry to leave you in a jam but doing drop offs is becoming too much for me. I'm happy to help you our for another week/until you can make other arrangements".
Tell ber take her child to the before school care program. She's using you as a free nanny service she's a user and not your friend
Your friend isn’t your friend, she is taking the piss out of you.she knows her daughter is hard work, that’s why she drops her to you earlier. What a selfish cow. There is nothing innocent about what she is doing. She knows what she’s doing to you. Who could put that on a single mum who already has 3 kids. You need to send her a nice message and tell her that you are sorry but you can no longer have her daughter in the mornings as it’s too much on you and your kids.
If she doesn’t like this & has no more to do with you, then you have done yourself a favour and got rid of a using bitch. Get rid of her.
If she understands and apologises then you have a great friend who respects you and is a genuine friend. Keep her in your life.
This is where you find out who your friends really are and what their real intentions are.
Don’t hesitate in sending her a nice message. I’ve been too nice like this in the past. Never again.
Stand up for yourself and your kids, without feeling bad about it. You can say no and you should without feeling guilty.
I don’t work, because I had kids and I would never expect anyone else to have my child so I could go to work. Yes help now and then but this is taking the piss!
I think you've hit the nail on the head!
If she's a real friend, she will understand.
If she cracks the shits or stops speaking to OP, that says it all really.
Wow, you’ve covered everything, what an awesome response.
What is the reason for the 5:50 drop off?
I'd speak to your friend and say you can no longer have her until 6:30 and expect her to be dressed and ready for tbe day when shes dropped off because you're struggling to get another child and yourself ready on time. Of your friend is unhappy with those conditions she will have to figure it all out herself.
Oh hell no!! Being upset because you stopped her out of control daughter from entering parts of your house because she breaks things!!! Is she for real!! .a true friend and frankly a decent person wouldn't be taking advantage or failing to express gratitude for your help..not to mention agreeing her child should have limitations in someone else's house! let her know it just doesn't work for your family routine and allow her to come up with another solution 🤷♀️ if she's offended which I'm sure from what I've read she will be then so be it..I feel like she'll get over it in time as I'm guessing she's somewhat dependant on your friendship 😉 good luck.